'AITA for siding with my dad in my parents divorce even though he cheated?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for siding with my dad in my parents divorce even though he cheated?"

Hi, I listen to a lot of people read stories but I never used the platform myself but I'm in a situation where I feel I have no one else to turn to so I made this account and I'm asking strangers on the internet.

I edited this down a lot as a lot of it was venting and most of it was about my rants about growing up and extended family BS. Sorry if it isn't coherent. It's also still long. I (15M) am the oldest of three. My brother is the middle (11M) and my sister is the youngest (8F).

My family had always been kind of messy and I knew that from that beginning, but growing up I always felt like an outcast from my mother and her side of the family which is mostly just her sister since my moms not close with her parents. I noticed this mostly has my brother and sister got older. It was like night and day. For example at school if I made some crappy painting my mom wouldn't even look at it.

But I noticed now with my brother but more so my sister anything she makes is like it was touched by the hand of god itself and its get displayed everywhere. My aunt (mom's sister) would never ask how my day was or anything, hardly talked to me, if I wanted to tell her something she didn't care, but with my brother and sister she's the warmest person.

So nice. So kind. So much fun. But never that with me. My mom would sometimes not set a plate for me at the table and I had to get my own, in a family Christmas card one year she used a picture without me in it. I used to hear my mum and dad fight about this a lot.

Especially when I was younger. My dad would always just ask her to 'try' and I thinks its finally clicked for me now and I am the reason for this divorce partly apart from the cheating. My dad and his family were the opposite of this. They loved me, I have a great relationship with my father. He's the best father ever.

(Sorry this is all over the place this part was really long I tried to cut it down). About a few days before my parents told us about the divorce, I got in a huge fight with my mom (and kinda my dad but he wad just kind of there) over unrelated things but during that I kinda asked her why she didn't love me.

And I think in a moment of anger she admitted she didn't want me and I was failed termination (I don't quite know what went wrong but in my state it isn't legal so I guess it was her being young and not having a lot of proper access or something).

At that moment my dad just basically exploded on her and sent me to bed. I think I shut down after this. I just remember being pathetic and crying in my bed that night. I knew I was a teen pregnancy but I thought my mom and dad pushed through that and even though I was a teen pregnancy I thought they still loved me and worked hard to pass high school and take care of me.

When my parents sat us down and informed me and my siblings they were getting divorced I felt numb to it. My siblings were so distraught but I felt numb. I still feel numb. My aunt was there and was telling me and my siblings to get ready to leave and that we were gonna go stay with my mom for awhile.

In that moment I got really upset because I did not wanna go live with a women who wanted to have me aborted and then proceeded to treat me like crap throughout my life, and clearly did not love me (I didn't mention that initially). So I told my aunt, mom and dad that I didn't want to leave the house I grew up in go to go stay at my aunts house with my mom.

My mother just looked sad but I walked out of the kitchen and to my bedroom to go be alone. My aunt followed me and wanted to talk to me, she seemed very upset with me, she said that my siblings look up to me (that's very true I'm basically a third parent) and I need to be there for my mother in this hard time.

I told her something like "I don't wanna be there for that jerk" and my aunt got really mad and told me I didn't understand and that my dad cheated and I should support my mom (thats how I learned he cheated).

In that moment I honestly didn't care he cheated (looking back I think it was shit my dad cheated on my mom) and I got really mad and brought up the abortion and asked her why I would support someone who doesn't love me and didn't want me, I brought all the things throughout my life that felt big to me.

My aunt basically told me that it was a complicated situation when it came to me and that I couldn't resent my mother for it. At this point my parents came up cause we were yelling and I was then left alone in my room when they got her to leave.

Its been a few weeks since then and I'm staying with my dad. My mother wants to talk to me and I do not. I feel especially pathetic in regards to my siblings. I feel I've failed them, they really look up to me and I'm not with them to help them through this hard time and I've basically abandoned them.

I feel pathetic crying about all this when I should be trying to be proactive, calling my siblings, texting them constantly but instead I sit there and cry. My sister also overheard my fight with my aunt and her being 8 didn't understand half of things we fought about but she looked it up and now she thinks my mother tried to off me and she won't take any explanation my mom and aunt offer her.

My sister is also distraught and thinks our mother hates me and is trying to separate us. My brother and me haven't really talked but I think hes taking it the best out of all of us. According to my dad, my mom and aunt want to explain to my sister that she did not try to off me and that my mom does not hate me.

My dad does not want me to hate my mom, he wants me to talk to her because he wants me to have a relationship with her. In regards to how I feel about it. I don't know how I feel about the pregnancy stuff. I don't see it as her trying to off me exactly.

I do understand it was a teen pregnancy and its a complicated situation. I think I more so care that she treated me so terribly growing up. I don't think looking back on it all I don't think I can hate her for the attempted termination. She was a scared teenager. I think I just hate her for treating me so differently and rather badly from my siblings growing up and I don't wanna talk to her again.

As for my dad cheating, he was a piece of garbage for it. But when I look at him I can't bring myself truly to care. And I know that makes me terrible, but I feel so conflicted. I love my dad, he's been nothing but support to me (in the best way a father can) but I don't wanna talk to anyone. I've hardly spoken to any of my extended family.

Hardly spoken to my siblings and I feel so lost but also right in the situation but also like a total AH because my dad's a skumbag for cheating but he doesn't act like a skumbag and I'm supporting him even though he cheated. I'm sorry for how long this was, am I TA? I need someone to give me the cold hard truth.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Temporary-Bid3341 wrote:

NTA. You sound to be in a very tricky situation and I'm sure it's very complex. However at your age, choosing what's safest for you is the best call. Try to keep in touch with your siblings at least as it sounds like they care for you. As for your dad, him cheating makes him a bad partner, but that doesn't necessarily mean he automatically is the worser parent.

From the experiences you shared, it sounds like you felt more welcome with him so you staying with him is fine for now. And your mom, it's hard to really understand your relationship with her through a reddit post, from what you have specified it doesn't sound that good especially with her side of the family.

I'd say give her a chance since it sounds like your father wants you to maintain a relationship with her as well, but if you don't feel comfortable with her then it's best you avoid her for now. This is all very surface level though, you could try talking to a trusted friend or a therapist to get better advice.

OP responded:

I know its surface level but in my house we hardly ever talked about feelings. We fought with each other then things just went back to normal. I don't think I could physically bring myself to ask my dad to put me in therapy and then sit there and cry like a pathetic mess to a stranger about my problems.

I don't think I could even talk about this with my friends, we don't really have that kind of friendship and once in a blue moon when we talk about feelings its never mine. I always find it awkward to talk to friends about their feelings I don't think I could talk about how I feel with them.

Content_Print_6521 wrote:

Okay, #1 -- you are not responsible for anything your parents did in the past, are doing now, or may or will do in the future. Do not beat yourself up about your dad cheating. Maybe she treated him as badly as she treated you. I can fully understand you being alienated from your mother, and I'm having a really hard time understanding why she wants to talk to you.

She really needs to give you space to sort everything out, and you are perfectly entitled to resent the way she has treated you throughout your life. But it's not that unusual for a mother to treat her oldest differently, even though they usually don't go to the degree she did.

So keep your distance from mom, cut your dad (and yourself) some slack, and start reaching out to your siblings, a little bit at a time. They need you and you need them. After you start doing this, you'll start to feel better and be in a position mentally to move on from this awful time.

OP responded:

I want to reach out, but I'm scared they'll ask me hard questions. I also want to see them and I don't. I'm their big brother, they really look up to me and I don't went them to see me with my eyes swollen from crying and clearly upset.

I feel that would only make them more upset cause when we go through something hard or they get scared I always put on a brave face and do my best to protect them but I don't think I can pretend I'm not scared, and unaffected, and that everything is okay this time.

I feel bad texting my sister cause she keeps asking me all these hard to answer questions and I basically ignore her on those because I don't what to say. My brother is really just texting me asking me about my day, and good morning and good night, and when we call its just about how our day was and stuff. I don't think I've actually really talked about the divorce with him at all.

Beneficial-sort4795 wrote:

NTA. You ‘sided’ with the parent who has always loved and treated you well versus the one that has ‘othered’ you your entire life- makes total sense. And you have every right to not want to see your mom right now. You were ‘third parent’ and, if she’s missing anything right now, it’s likely your labor.

Two kids is a lot and it’s about time she found that out. She’s resented you all your life while you loved her all of yours. That’s a hard thing to forgive and it’s best you don’t try right now. Talk to your dad about having your siblings visit you at the house- I’m sure they miss it and you. But also talk to him about the affair, what exactly was his intention?

Was this a one time mistake on his part or did he eventually plan on moving this woman in to the house? Cause him letting your siblings go makes sense because they’re underage and I assume he works. It just seems odd your mom gave up rights to the house by moving out and intended to take all of you with her- that was either to punish him or by his request. You need to know which to plan accordingly.

OP responded:

She moved out because (I don't know the logistics) but its either my family doesn't actually own the house and we just live in it and my grandparents on dads side own it, or he owns half of property. Either way its a inherited property from my great grandparents and as far as I know my moms name isn't on any documents for it so I think that means my grandparents probably own it.

A part of my believes I am only a third parent to her and another part wants to believe that she misses me weirdly, cause like someone else commented that maybe me laying it out to her made her open her eyes. I don't really want to know the logistics of his affair but I'll definitely ask if the women will be moving in cause I don't think I'll feel good about that.

As for why she excepted to take all of us, I think in terms of how close we are to the parents I'm close with my dad, my brother is extremely close to my mom, and my sister is kinda caught in the middle.

I think its also just typical (or at least from what friends have said) kids go with the mom till custody arrangements are made. Either way a lot of people are saying to talk to my father about moving forward and I think I will. Thank you for your advice.

A day later, OP shared an update.

A small update from the original post. I hardly slept last night and I felt terrible at school so my dad picked me up and we went out to lunch, then when we got home I finally had built up enough courage to ask him questions about what was on my mind and things brought up by people in my post.

The conversation was surprising productive and honest. I mentioned in a comment on my original post but in my family we never really talked about hard things or feelings.

But basically me and my dads conversation was like this: I asked my sad about his affair partner and basically what happened there. This was something I wanted to know but also didn't but still decided to ask in case she would be moving in.

My dad explained that his affair went on for 5 months, he felt drained with my mother and made a terrible decision. He said the affair was discovered not from my mom going through his phone or something but him confessing as the more it went on the more skummy my dad felt, he felt like a terrible father coming home to his kids after cheating on their mother as he put it.

My dad says he is not gonna be talking the women anymore at all and plans on not dating or marrying anyone new until me and my siblings are all adults.

The next thing I asked about I didn't really mention in the post but I wanted to know his part in my mom trying to end the pregnancy and stuff. He said he actually didn't know she was pregnant until about 1-2 weeks before I was born.

He also explained the gist of what my mother told him, my dad doesn't know the nitty gritty details so everything I say here is all he also knows. My mom found out she was pregnant at 16-17 years old and told my aunt, they sort of panicked but my aunt tried taking my mother to get an operation but my moms parents found out and did not allow my mother to end the pregnancy.

Even after that my aunt still again tried to help mom get a termination but this second attempt was found out and after that my moms parents sent my aunt to live with relatives until after my mom gave birth. That's what happened. So I think that means I'm not technically a failed operation just a prevented one. I don't think it makes much of a difference though.

On the brighter side, my grandparents are gonna take me and my siblings out on the weekend to do some fun stuff to take our minds off all the chaos. I am looking forward to that as I hope with my grandparents around I won't have to answer many questions and of course I get to see my siblings. I am also feeling better.

Writing my feelings out even it was for strangers helped. I did not broach the topic of therapy with my father like many people suggested, but I am going to write my mom a letter and start journaling. Despite what many people said. I am going to have a conversation with my mother after I give her my letter and she reads and processes it. I don't when that will be. But soon probably.

I wanna thank everyone who commented on the original post, I don't think I even read through half the comments but almost all of them I did read had great advice. Many people told me to update them so here it is. I don't know if I did the update correctly as this is my first time using this forum.

The internet continued to be invested in the update.

Janus1981 wrote:

This is a nice update. I’m glad you had a good conversation with your dad. This is another sign that you’ve made the right decision for you. He’s clearly a safe space for you when your mum isn’t.

On that note, did you ask him about how her neglect of you affected their marriage? You indicated in your last post that you saw it so I was wondering if it came up. I suspect it is at the root of what pushed your dad to the affair. It wouldn’t excuse cheating but it would be a very understandable explanation.

OP responded:

We did talk about that but I didn't wanna make the update to long and it was mostly my father just apologizing a lot. He didn't mention it being the root of the affair but I don't know what goes on inside his head. He didn't really give me a reason for the affair but I think I'm okay not knowing one.

Isabelsedai wrote:

If you are talking to your grandparents of your mother's side, do let them know what impact their meddling caused. They traumatised your mom and she treated you like crap because of that.

OP responded:

I don’t really talk to my moms side other then my aunt. I suppose I now know why. But still not close with my mom’s parents. We’ve only really ever done things with my dad’s side of the family.

NomadicusRex wrote:

Well, your mom was 100% wrong for treating you like that. It had to be hard on your dad, who clearly loves you a lot, to see you being mistreated by his wife, your mother. She literally would "forget" to make a plate for you at Christmas?! That's just cruelty for cruelty's sake. You didn't ask to be conceived, or to be born. You were, and are, entirely innocent in all of this.

Stay with your dad, he loves you, and don't let your mom continue to parentify you. Even though I have never cheated and absolutely don't agree with it, I can see why seeing his wife mistreat you for years, and other things I'm sure she did, no doubt eroded his love for her. He probably stayed for you kids.

That said, I think that he should be encouraged to find someone new once he's healed from the divorce, and not wait until you are all adults. He deserves some happiness from romantic love eventually too. And, as a dad myself, I can tell you that you and your little brother and sister are probably his greatest source of joy in this life, I know that my kids are for me.

BigConfidence1563 wrote:

Yeah dad is a saint. Because he wasn’t the one who was forced to give birth and forced to love someone she didn’t want. And then possibly forced to be with a person who made her birth because"„that’s right thing to do”. JFC…now dad's coming crying but where the hell was he earlier to not address it and drag his wife to treat CLEARLY trauma?

OP responded:

My dad’s not a saint but he didn’t force my mom into anything. Most of the ‘forcing’, was done by mom’s parents. My dad didn’t force my mother to marry him. And because my dad didn’t force my mother to do things, he didn’t force her to treat any trauma. I empathize with my mom, being a teen and pregnant is hard. But she also had 15 years to figure things out. I get it was hard for her.

But I don’t care at this point how she feels about it 15 years later at 32 when she spent my whole childhood hating me. And from my eyes, the one telling the other parent to stop screaming during arguments so the kids don’t hear was my dad.

My dad was the one suggesting they don’t argue and take time to cool down, my mom was the one who would not take the time to cool down and follow him around to keep fighting. I don’t think my dad’s a total saint, but compared to my mother I think he is.