'AITA for siding with my daughter and not my wife over adoption and what she calls her?'
"AITA for siding with my daughter and not my wife over adoption and what she calls her?"
I (35M) have an 11 year old daughter Hayley with my ex. My ex died when Hayley was 2 but I was already a single parent to Hayley at that point. Hayley knows about her mom, knows in an age appropriate way about her mom's struggles and that she wasn't in her life prior to her death.
I had a therapist help me navigate those talks and Hayley still attends therapy at times so she can work on any lingering questions she has or any lingering sadness/grief about the way her mom's life turned out.
I met my wife Amy (33F) when Hayley was 4. Hayley was 6 when they first met. I admit it took a while. I was cautious and didn't want to risk Hayley getting attached if things didn't work out and I wanted to be sure Amy was aware of what she was signing up for by being with me.
A huge part of me worried Hayley would struggle. But they got along great the first time they met and it was amazing to witnessed them grow closer. Amy was great with Hayley and Hayley enjoyed having Amy around.
Hayley was 7 when Amy and I got married. After the wedding Hayley asked Amy if she could call her Suds, a nickname Amy's family uses for her. Amy was thrilled Hayley wanted to use that nickname.
Things were good. There were some questions asked on Amy's side about what Hayley would call them. She uses first names for most people and nicknames for a few people who have them used most often.
There was some grumbling from Amy's parents at one point about not being grandma and grandpa but Amy told them the decision was Hayley's and they should hope one day they earn those titles.
Things changed when Amy was pregnant with our daughter Summer (7 months). Suddenly Amy was more hurt by Hayley calling her Suds or by her first name and she was bothered by the fact Hayley would say Amy was her stepmom or her dad's wife depending on the people she was talking to.
Stepmom was more common but at times she'd say Amy was my wife. Amy and I talked about it. I told her nothing had changed and she told me that was the problem.
She was giving Hayley a sister and it bothered her that she hadn't earned the title of mom in Hayley's eyes. Then she said she'd be home with Summer so doing more for Hayley and it stung to think she'd be acting as a mom but not recognized as hers.
We spoke to a family therapist together at my request and after several sessions we brought Hayley in for a little bit. The therapist told Amy not to worry and Hayley loved her. She didn't need to be mom for their relationship to be good. But it didn't settle Amy.
We're now at the point where Amy has not let this go. Without saying anything to me she asked Hayley to let her adopt her. Hayley's response that she loves Amy but didn't want to be adopted by her.
I found out about Amy asking from Hayley. I was upset. Amy was upset that I was upset. She told me she doesn't want to continue with the way things are. She said she wants Hayley to call her mom or some variant of mom at least. She wants to adopt Hayley too and make their relationship more than just guardianship which she already has.
When Hayley told me what happened we talked and she was honest that she didn't want to be adopted. She was sad Amy was upset and didn't want to hurt her feelings.
But Amy's feelings are hurt and she's upset that I chose Hayley's feelings over hers. She told me I should at least tell Hayley to call her mom. I told her that should be Hayley's choice just like she told her parents.
She said she really believed those titles could be earned but that belief has died. I asked if that was such a dealbreaker for her and she said yes because she hates hearing Hayley use her name or her nickname and she always calls me dad.
Amy has confided in her parents about everything and they told me I was doing Amy wrong by siding with Hayley over her. They said it's about respect and not just feelings and it's disrespectful for Hayley to not call Amy mom after all this time. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. Go back to family therapy. If Amy can’t let this go things are going to get really ugly.
Content_Fact6970 (OP)
That might not be a terrible idea for just the two of us. I worry Hayley being there will make things worse right now.
That would be best. Just you and Amy. She’s the one with the problem. Hayley has grown up during her most formative years without calling anyone ‘mom’ so maybe it’s just not natural to her. Maybe subconsciously Hayley thinks if she calls her ‘mom’ Amy will end up like your ex. Who knows. But knowing that she loves Amy should be enough.
Disregarding a little girl’s feelings for the sake of an adult’s means she still hasn’t earned the title. I bet when Summer starts using ‘mom’ it may trigger that response in Hayley. Maybe not. Good luck. NTA.
NTA. Amy needs to poor herself a nice tall glass of Grow-The-Hell-Up. You did the right thing by protecting your daughter instead of catering to your wife's insecurities.
Content_Fact6970 (OP)
I wish her mindset from before could return. She even used to say as long as she wasn't the wicked or hated stepmom she was happy and now she's unhappy with anything other than mom.
You are NTA at all. I think having a baby brought up things Amy has felt all along and was sure would change so she didn’t discuss them. She was happy to “play along” when she thought your daughter would come around and see things her way. Now that hasn’t happened and she’s angry. It was not her place to ask your daughter about adoption.
That was a conversation she should have had with you first. That was a major overstep and just shows how bothered she is by this entire situation. It’s time for Amy to put on her big girl pants and act like an adult. She is your wife. She is your daughter’s step mom. Period.
She can’t force the relationship to change just because it’s what she wants. And she has a daughter too. Yes, she is your older daughter’s sister but that doesn’t mean Amy gets to demand changes in your oldest daughters relationship with her. She needs to back off or she’s going to have no relationship with your oldest daughter at all.