Twins choose deadbeat dad over stepfather. When they beg for forgiveness, he rejects them. AITA?
"AITA for siding with my husband and not with my kids?"
Okay, I know the title sounds bad, but for some context I (36F) have twins with my ex (42M), a girl, Olivia, and a boy, Enzo, who are now sixteen years old. My ex is one hell of an AH.
We ended our relationship because he had cheated on me while I was pregnant, and not happy with that, he never paid child support and was absent from their lives most of the time, only coming back once or twice during the year to play the fun dad, but well, of course his absence affected my kids a lot.
Anyway, when Olivia and Enzo were a year old, I reconnected with an ex from high school, Ian (36M), and we started dating. The main reason we had broken up is that I wanted kids in the future and he wasn't sure, and since two seemed more than enough for me, that problem was out of the way.
Ian wasn't involved at first with Olivia and Enzo, but after we moved in together over two years later, he begin to help me with them without me having to ask, which I was really grateful for, and they eventually formed a bond.
We got married, and Olivia and Enzo called Ian "dad" for as long as I can remember, although they always knew he wasn't their biological father. Ian and I make the same amount of money, and we live in a house I inherited from my father, and Ian only earns a bit less than me, there's not a big difference.
With time, my ex went from showing up once or twice a year to not showing up at all for a couple of years, which is when their bond became even stronger, and Ian told me he wanted to adopt them because he saw them as his own kids, and he truly felt like their father. However, that never actually happen because it was a legal mess in our country we didn't want to get into.
Now, last year and out of the blue, my ex showed up again, claiming to be a different man now and wanting to rekindle their relationship. They fell for his act despite Ian and I warning them about not trusting him completely, which is okay I guess, they have a right to want a relationship with him.
The problem started when they began to ignore Ian, it's as though they were treating him like a replacement they no longer needed, and of course my husband noticed this.
One night, it escalated because they were having a really dumb fight that started because Enzo had not cleaned the kitchen after cooking. We have this important rule in the house that pretty much means that each one is usually responsible for cleaning their own mess.
Well, Ian just went inside their room to tell him he needed to clean, and Enzo begin to yell at him, Olivia joined in and they were telling him how exhausted they were about Ian treating them as if he were their real father, that they had a father and he shouldn't act like one just because he didn't have kids of their own.
I remember Ian just left the house that night without saying a word, and I told Olivia and Enzo they had made the wrong choice treating Ian like this, and when their "real dad" leaves again, I didn't want to see them crawling back to the one who actually took care of them and was always there.
Ian came back the next day, and he was incredibly upset. I did my best to comfort him, and he told me he felt disrespected and that there was no coming back from this. It was hard to hear, but I told him that if he no longer wanted to be involved in the twins lives, I wouldn't be angry at him.
He cried a lot that night, and cried himself to sleep during the next days. It was awful to see him like this and I couldn't do anything but try to comfort him. I tried to talk to my kids, to tell them they really needed to apologize, but they refused completely, saying they had a dad and didn't need them, and it made me question what kind of kids I was raising.
As predicted, from one day to the other, left the city and never called Olivia or Enzo again. When they realized what had happened, they were devastated. I was there for them, but it shocked me how they wanted to pretend everything was okay between them and Ian, calling him dad again.
Ian simply told them he was not their dad and would clearly never be. This has been going on for a while. They were thinking Ian would change his mind eventually and forgive them, but that has not happened.
As a last card, they came to me and told me to speak to Ian, and I told them we had talked many times, and it was clear Ian would no longer be involved in their lives, which is what they wanted anyway, so I don't know what the problem was.
They were shock with my response, and kept trying to convince me, but I made clear that my husband is a human with feelings, not a wallet and a replacement for the pathetic man they liked to call "real dad", and that if they thought they could disrespect people that care for them without any consequence, then they were very, very wrong.
I told them there was no going back from this, that things would not be the same and they had themselves to blame for that. They shouldn't have taken for granted a person that was always there for them.
They went crying to my mom after that, and she told me she understood why I was upset with them, but couldn't side with my husband in this, that they are kids that made a mistake a second chance, and I should try to solve things.
And to be honest, I don't think I can. I love my kids and they will always be my priority, and this has not changed my love for them, but I also love my husband, and he's such a great man who stepped up when he didn't have an obligation and was such a support for me and for the kids.
He was the father they never had for so long, and even if I try, I don't think I'm even close to know the amount of pain that can cause you to have the kids that you raised as your own for years to tell you you're not their real dad and to treat you as literal trash.
As much as I want them to make up, I know my husband is so hurt and they caused that over what? A man they had seen barely like seven times in their whole life? Ian is now convinced that Enzo and Olivia don't love him and only saw him as a replacement.
He thinks that if their "real dad" ever shows up again, they would treat him like crap again, and well, although I don't think my kids would do that, I know he has every right to feel that way, and if Ian no longer feels comfortable involved on my kids life, then I don't think I can contradict him. They just broke the relationship.
Ian is usually a pretty reasonable man, and he has thought a lot about this, so I know that he's sure about his choice. I know he has been crushed with this, and now he wants us to have a kid, but I have told him no because I believe he just wants to replace Olivia and Enzo.
Despite respecting my husband's decision, I don't want my kids to lose the man they've seen as their father ever since they can remember. I know it's gonna crush them and it will affect them even more in the future, and sometimes I wonder if I should listen to my mom and try to talk Ian into trying to repait their relationship. But I don't know, AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Have they apologized at all? If not, there's no way you should ask Ian to accept them back as his children. They need to grovel to him, and have a deep and meaningful conversation about why they did it. In other words, they need to accept that what they did was wrong and share their understanding about it with Ian.
Then Ian can decide what he wants to do. Family counseling may be helpful in doing this, but until the kids apologize, I wouldn't go there if I were Ian. Apologies first. Oh, a and NTA.
Exactly. Instead of writing it off as a complete "no". I'd ask all parties if they would got to some family therapy, and see if they could work through things. Of course if Ian is a strong "no", then that needs to be respected.
NTA. Ian stepped up when he didn’t have to. He acted like a father for years, and your kids threw that away the moment their absent biological dad showed up. Actions have consequences.
Its not about choosing your husband over your kids, its about standing by someone who was loyal, present, and deeply hurt. They disrespected him, and now they’re facing the result...
NTA.
I feel for the kids because it sucks to be rejected by your bio father and i have a strong hunch he was talking crap to them about your husband.
This is a good lesson the you can’t treat people like garbage and expect them to automatically forgive them and go back to the way it was. Teens are massively selfish and ah. They def need to sincerely apologize to Ian and perhaps over time their relationship can be saved but they have to do some work.
No I don't think you're in the wrong here. It sucks for the twins, but I guess this is something they had to learn the hard way. Maybe after things have settled, they can try to rebuilt a relationship with Ian slowly.
I know people say that teenagers say and do dumb things that they may not always mean or understand the depth of and that's true, but that doesn't mean that those dumb things that they say can't make people feel sad or upset. This is something that the twins need to understand, you can't magically undo an action and undo someone's feelings.