'AITA my SIL and her children moved in with us... now I’m ready for them to leave.'
"AITA my SIL and her children moved in with us... now I’m ready for them to leave."
Like the title says, my SIL and her children moved in with me, my wife, our sons and my father. She was leaving a bad situation and we wanted to help her, but now I feel it’s causing my family to be in a bad situation and my wife and I are on the rocks.
Her first month here, she helped around the house, a lot. But the past few months has been nothing. She sulks in her room, leaving my wife to tend to all of the children while I am at work.
My wife is a SAHM, so it isn’t too big of an issue— however our last child will be starting school this year, and she plans on getting back into the workforce once that happens.
However, SIL ultimately still decided my wife would be her main source of child care once she begins working. My wife doesn’t want that, and I don’t want that for her. She’s been a SAHM since our oldest was born and she’s been ready to go back to work.
I think it would help my wife mentally to even start a part time job and have a life outside of motherhood. We love our nieces and nephews, but my wife didn’t work all these years because child care would’ve took her entire check anyway. Now that our children are all school aged, like we had planned, my wife feels like her dream is gone again.
We agreed she’d pay a certain amount each month— she paid the second month, paid far less the third and now she says she has nothing for the upcoming month. And frankly? I’m tired of footing the bill for a family bigger than our own.
We’ve been as accommodating as possible. Moved children around to make everyone comfortable. Every child has their own bed, but it’s crammed. Our children don’t have their own rooms anymore, nothing is their “own” anymore. Their cousins take over. But, I don’t know how to approach the situation without being the AH.
Just a few minutes ago it came out that she’s been speaking to a mutual “friend” of ours, basically trying to vent about my wife and I. That she’s tired of the “pressure” we put on her.. but we haven’t? We haven’t even mentioned anything i’ve stated in this post.
I basically walk on egg shells in my own home, trying to keep the peace. And I don’t know what else to do? They have nowhere else to go, except maybe a hotel. But even then, if she cannot afford the small portion we asked of her here— I know she cannot afford that.
My dad’s tired, too. He’s not her dad, and they’ve never been close nor is he close with her children. But he tries to be. He feels bad and like he excludes her children a lot, but he cannot keep up with all of them. Which in turn, she gets mad that we “favor” my children.
I don’t— no child is treated differently with my wife and I, if one goes, they all go. But my dad is different and has no relation to any of them, so I don’t think it’s fair of her to hold that onto him.
When her children go with their dad’s family, I don’t expect my children to go with. I left a lot out. I tried to be as vague as possible, as I know if she comes across this she may know who I am.
My wife is tired, too. But that is her sister and her blood, so she feels badly. She’s stuck between trying to keep us happy, while tending to everyone else. She agrees with me and every point I’ve made— but knows it would cause a shift in her entire family dynamic. How can I approach this cautiously without it blowing up and causing my wife to be hurt?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You and your wife need to grow shiny new backbones and tell SIL she needs to find somewhere else to live, that your wife will NOT be her childcare, and that SIL needs to pay the rent she owes. You are allowing this nonsense.
There is no way she's not going to make you the AH when you take away her free ride and make her be an adult. Get over it and get her out. If she doesn't leave voluntarily, you need a lawyer because you've let this go on long enough that she probably has tenant's rights. Any friends or family who give you a hard time are offering to take SIL and the herd into their own homes indefinitely and you should 100% tell SIL that.
You need to tell them they have 30 days to get out. IN WRITING. It's your family or your marriage. I know which one I'd pick.
NTA. Draw up a contract with your SIL. Staying is not an option. Tell her that she has three months* to get on her feet, then she must leave, and until she leaves, she needs to pay rent and be doing chores around the house. Extra people means extra work and she is putting stress on what was once a functioning and happy family.
You are supporting two families on one paycheck which isn't fair to you. Your dad deserves to be Grampa to his grands. If SIL wants to be "fair" she needs to consider that YOUR kids deserve their home back, thier Grampa and parents back. Your SIL has had time to get out of a bad situation and process it, and now she needs to gain her independence.
*I am being generous with three months. Another comment says 30 days which is probably better. A happy medium would be before school starts so she can't complain about needing to switch schools.
You will not be the AH. You and your wife should sit down with SIL and say exactly what you did here. She has become way too comfortable with the situation. You need your home back. Don't wait too long though. It will only be worse. Good luck.