'My SIL asks a lot of stupid, annoying questions so I gave her a brutally honest answer. AITA?'

"My SIL asks a lot of stupid, annoying questions every time she is told no. So I decided to answer her honestly. AITA?"

I (28F) have 2 older brothers: Paul (30M) and Ben (33M). Ben is married to Ellie (32F) and Ellie is a lot. At her age she still does not understand boundaries, personal space/time or the difference between reasonable questions and stupid ones.

Ellie can't for the life of her get that people are entitled to their space, time and to say no and when someone says no, she will follow up with a lot of stupid additional questions somehow trying to make that person feel bad for refusing her. Some examples for you to better understand.

She does not drive so whenever she wants to go shopping she will ask me to go with her for a shopping spree (aka me being her personal driver for the day). I say no, she goes Who in this world refuses a shopping session with another woman? Ben and Ellie were planning to do some remodeling to their house.

Ellie asked Paul So you are free this weekend to come work with Ben on everything that needs to be done, right?. Paul said no because he had to work during that weekend so Ellie went Can't you just take the weekend off? Why can't you prioritize helping your brother over work? It's just a one time thing, you'll have other weekends to work.

Both Paul and I talked to Ellie and to Ben as well. We asked Ellie to stop with this habit because it's honestly annoying. She is not entitled to our time, she is not entitled to question us about our reasons or to insist on things.

Basically we tried to tell her no is a full sentence but she doubled down and said she is not doing anything to annoy us but that she naturally is a curious person and this is why she asks follow up questions. No need to mention that nothing changed and she continues to do her thing. So I decided that since she is a curious person and needs to know everything, I should answer her honestly.

She once asked me to watch their kid on a weekend so they can have some time for themselves, I said no, she went What can be more important than spending time with your nephew?. So I answered her Honestly, there are multiple things more important for me than being a free babysitter on demand, things like my time, my sleep, me spending some quality time after an entire week of work. Stuff like that.

The next time she decided on a Thrursday to plan a family weekend and invited me, Paul and my parents to go to a cabin for the weekend, meaning to leave to the cabin the following day after work and return on Sunday.

None of us was able to go on such a short notice because (surprise) we already had things planned so she once again asked what other plans can be so important that we can't reschedule them for family quality time. Once again I answered honestly Personally, attending my best friend's birthday party and spending time with people whose company I enjoy is more important than spending quality time with you.

I am aware I am a b***h, believe me I know. However I can't bring myself to feel bad. Paul followed my lead and started doing kind of the same thing but he is a little bit more polite than I am.

We both have a good laugh each time we need to be brutally honest to answer her curiosity. But Ben is pissed. He claims we are intentionally humiliating his wife. We told him she is humiliating herself by not being able to respect boundaries and if he wants us to stop he can tell her to stop with the questions. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

NorthernLitUp said:

NTA. Look, you don't move in with someone after 4 months of dating, first of all. Second, he's not asking you to move in because he wants to build a life with you and doesn't want to be without you.

He's asking you to move in because he views you only as a solution to his financial problems. This is indicative of things to come with this guy. I'd carefully extricate yourself from this mess before it gets even messier.

Salt-Lavishness-7560 said:

Good grief. NTA. How can anyone write this out and fail to see what a trainwreck this relationship is? Honey. I’m an old mom, so I’m gonna mom you. Step away from this relationship. Your BF is drowning. And drowning people grab onto others to keep from downing, and just pull them down into the depths.

You are at a completely different point in your life than your BF. He’s struggling to get his shit together and now he’s pulling you in. DON’T DO IT. Don’t move in. Don’t pay his rent. Don’t get pulled into mothering his children. He’s trying to replace mom and grandma WITH YOU.

FFS. Go live your best life. Go to college. Meet a boy who doesn’t have umpteen kids and no damn plan besides suckering sweethearted girls into supporting him. Buy him a big box of condoms as a farewell present.

Horror_Tea761 said:

This is waaaay too soon to move in, and he has way too much baggage for you to be dealing with at 22. He's wanting you to move in because he can't get it together financially, and it sounds like you would be a de facto parent. There is no upside whatsoever for you to do this. I recommend you wait a year before revisiting this. I bet that things will have changed tremendously in the meantime.

Find yourself a fellow your own age who can meet you where you are at this point in your life. Have fun. Don't worry about someone else's rent or babysitting.

DomesticPlantLover said:

He's looking for a full time nanny that pays him to care for his kids. RUN. Like you life depends on it. Only a fool would move it with a father of two after 4 months. You're not a fool.

Lizzydeathstar said:

NTA. NO is a full sentence - full stop. And I absolutely LOVE how you're handling her BS. Your brother is mad because shes "embarrassed"? Good. She should be. She needs to grow the fuck up and act like an adult, and learn to take no for an answer without "being curious why" (which is utter bullsh!t in itself).

Edited to add - if she continues with this, I'd switch it up a bit too. "Why cant you babysit?" Would be met with "why did you wait until the last minute to ask someone? Why dont you find an actual sitter to pay for their time? Why do you feel entitled to everyone's free time, and why are you so self absorbed?" If she gets upset, tell her you're a genuinely curious person.

ABiggerTelevision said:

So here’s the thing: Ellie for whatever reason does not pick up on social cues. Your brother doesn’t get this because he does. If Ellie were going home and crying for an hour every time something like this happened, she’d stop doing it.

So, not really the AH, but also not doing any good either. Mostly just pissing your brother off. Maybe start answering the first followup question with “I’ve stated my position and I don’t wish to discuss it further.” More followup questions should be ignored completely, or have you yelling for your brother to come explain it.

OP responded:

Hmm, is she really not picking up on social cues or is she willingly deciding to ignore them because getting her way is more inportant than respecting the others? In other circumstances she picks up on social cues just fine so I find it very strange that only in these particular situations she is unable to

woahwombats said:

This isn't her asking stupid questions and you giving honest answers. It's her asking passive-aggressive questions and you giving her passive-aggressive honest answers. NTA but Ben ought to recognize how passive-aggressive his wife is being and that you are not the ones starting it.

And OP responded:

I know. The problem is she is not asking her questions in a clear malicious way if it makes sense. She does not raise her voice or sound pissed. She oftentimes even uses the deer eyes for effect and somehow is putting things in a very innocent way.

The part that Ben fails to see is if you do something, someone directly asks you to stop because it bothers them and you keep doing it, there is no way in hell you are still doing it innocently. There is clear intent there to annoy the other person