'AITA for refusing to let my SIL attend my son’s funeral after she brought her baby to our house the day he died?'
"AITA for refusing to let my SIL attend my son’s funeral after she brought her baby to our house the day he died?"
This story centers on the tragic death of a child.
Hi. I (34M) lost my son, Jacob (5), two months ago in an accident at home. Writing this hurts, but I need to know if I was truly wrong in how I reacted. Jacob was everything to my wife (32F) and me. He was our only child. Bright, funny, always asking questions.
Two months ago, we were babysitting my sister-in-law’s baby, Olivia, for the afternoon. My wife’s sister (we’ll call her Sara) had asked us on short notice. We said yes—Jacob loved his cousin, and we figured it would be a good distraction on a quiet Saturday.
But our home wasn’t fully baby-proofed anymore. We’d taken some gates down since Jacob was older now. At one point, Sara dropped off Olivia early—without telling us—and left the car seat on the porch. She texted after she was already gone. We weren’t even home yet.
By the time we came back, Olivia had been crying for who knows how long. Jacob was upset and tried to “help.” He must’ve unbuckled the seat belt, because when we came in, he was trying to lift her out. He tripped over a dog toy, fell backwards down the front steps holding her, and hit his head on the concrete.
He was unconscious immediately. I called 911. He had a brain hemorrhage. He died in the hospital later that night. Olivia was unharmed. Our lives stopped. My wife blamed herself, and honestly—I blamed myself too.
But I also blamed Sara. Not just for being careless, but for not telling us she was leaving Olivia so soon. For assuming we'd be fine with it. For not calling. For treating us like free childcare.
Sara kept trying to contact us afterward, but I ignored her. My wife wasn’t ready. When we planned Jacob’s funeral, we agreed we couldn’t have Sara there. My wife didn’t want to see Olivia, and I didn’t either. We asked my in-laws to pass that along.
Sara showed up anyway—with Olivia. I lost it. I told her she needed to leave immediately. She started crying, saying she deserved to say goodbye and that Jacob “was like a son” to her.
I said, “You lost a nephew. We lost our child. Don’t pretend it’s the same.” I told her she was selfish for bringing a baby to the funeral of a child who died trying to save her.
She left, sobbing. My in-laws later said I was cruel and that Sara was devastated too. That banning her from the funeral was “disrespectful” and would cause a permanent rift in the family. But I honestly don’t care. We haven’t spoken to Sara since. So… AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You just lost a child, time for therapy. Can’t believe anyone would just drop their baby off on your porch in a car seat without you being home . That’s a dealbreaker there.
Yeah. I try not to be too judgmental but I cannot think of a circumstance under which I’d be willing to do that. Not with my 15 year old kid, never mind a baby.
no, absolutely nta. I would go absolutely no contact with her and she shouldn't even have a kid if she thinks it's okay to just drop the kid off without confirmation that anyone is even home. Also, I'm sorry for your loss☹️
Who in the heck leaves their kid at a house without the sitters being there and having brought them into the house? Sounds like abandonment. What happened if the sitters had a car accident on the way home? SIL is an idiot. I don't know how this could ever be forgiven.
TYA Your sister may have been thoughtless and screwed up, but what happened to your poor little son is not to be blamed on poor little Olivia and even her mom. This is kind of a "stuff happens" scenario where several things took place for Jacob to die.
Your poor son!! He was trying to help Olivia and such a strange series of events took place. If the dog toy hadn't been there, he wouldn't have tripped, if only Olivia hadn't been in distress, if only it hadn't happened on the stairs, if only Jacob hadn't gotten to Olivia first...
Your sister may be at fault for just leaving Olivia on the porch (?!) but she certainly didn't anticipate that such a horrible series of events would take place. Your sister is grieving, too, and the guilt she will always feel and that even Olivia will feel (although it certainly isn't her fault) will be a terrific punishment, too.
If you cannot let this go, for her entire life poor little Olivia will be blamed for Jacob's death and do you really think that is fair and reasonable. Jacob was trying to save her, after all. He was trying to do a brave thing.
You need some therapy. This was a horrible accident but blaming your sister and her child is too much. I am so sorry. Grieve but get counseling.
Therapy, therapy therapy…If true, my biggest condolence, but the story makes no sense. You come home, the baby is someplace on the porch crying after being left there alone. No adult helps the baby, but the 5 year old has plenty of time to get to the baby, picks her up, and they both fall down the front steps. Where are the adults?
NTA. You’ve really been thru it. My heart breaks for you and your wife. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I wouldn’t care what other family members think about any of it. It never would have happened if she’d been a responsible parent and NOT dropped a baby off on your porch! That’s a crime imo. Who does that?!