'SIL expressed I don't 'deserve' our new house. Now husband's family is melting down.' UPDATED
"SIL expressed I don't 'deserve' our new house. Now husband's family is melting down."
My husband (38m) and I (33f) just bought our first house. My husband has a pretty high paying job, I work and make a decent salary but our budget to buy our house was definitely influenced more by his earnings.
We had his family over last week- generally I loved his parents, they've always been really good to me and they're fun. I have not spent as much time with his sister outside of holiday gatherings, but we do have her son (husband's nephew) stay with us for a week over the summer the last few years so I know him well too and love him.
So everyone mentioned above comes over and we show them around the house. At one point I'm showing SIL a kitchenette in the basement and I say something like "its great that our house has this space now, so if you want to visit us you'll have basically a separate apartment."
And she goes "Our? Is it also your house?"
I'm immediately confused but also I guess she could have assumed my husband bought it on his own.
I said, "Yeah, we bought it together."
And she goes "Do you think you deserve to own half of this house? I don't know, I just think that's crazy."
I was shoooocked and I mostly panicked, said "well I do, yeah." And fled the basement. I immediately told my husband (away from his family) and he in turn immediately went to talk to his sister.
I went to hang out with his parents and didn't say anything to them, but then we heard shouting outside. My husband and his sister were yelling at each other, I know people are different with their siblings, but I've never really heard him yell before. I could hear him tell her that we don't have a prenup, and she called him an idiot.
I had to tell his parents what was going on, they went and intervened and left pretty quickly with his sister and nephew (who didn't hear any of this through the magic of video games I think). His mom said sorry to me on the way out.
I did touch base with my husband and he was livid, like way more angry than I'd expect. He told me that before we got married his sister was the beneficiary of his life insurance and he thought she was angry over essentially being removed from all his assets (but we've been married 3 years!)
She apparently had texted him about being added on to the house paperwork a few weeks ago during the buying process and he'd just ignored her. His parents have reached out to me and have been very sweet/apologetic but they really want to fix things and have asked if I'll talk to SIL.
I'm trying to step away from it and just say it's now between my husband and his sister. Is that fair? Of course I'm a bit hurt by her saying that, but at the end of the day if she has problems with how he's handling his assets that's between the two of them- right? I feel really bad because his family has always been so sweet, and I really love his nephew so I also want things to be fixed...
The OP then returned a few hours later with more.
Wow this blew up a bit. I will make an update, we have plans to chat about it today and speak with his patents and figure out how we want to go forward. I agree with essentially all of you, and I'm not planning to discuss it with her until she apologizes. And to answer some common questions...
Nephews dad is not and has not been in the picture for a long time. SIL has been in and out of relationships with not the best types of dudes. She is younger and there's no other siblings.
Yes, there's been a pattern of her getting more help from their parents, but it's because she really needs it with being a single mom, and my husband has always been pretty independent.
I promise I don't tell every person on the street about our lack of a prenup! My husband did come into the marriage with a lot of assets, so I think when his friends and family expressed curiosity about a prenup it was coming from a place of concern/ care for him and I love that, so it felt appropriate to share how we made that decision.
No one ever pushed back. I've never talked to his sister about it, and I think she didn't know, but my husband sort of yelled it at her in anger in a "we don't even HAVE a prenup!" way.
We are planning on kids, but could still keep up what we currently do for nephew even if we did, and he just became an official teenager, so the college fund is close to complete at this stage we don't add much money to it anymore it's just accruing.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
What could you possibly say to your SIL? I think you say that the issue isn’t really about you, it’s about how SIL thinks everything that is your husbands is part hers. That’s something your husband needs to set straight, not you. You just sit there and stay pleasant. You handled this perfectly. It’s not your battle and your husband has your back, clearly. SIL sounds insane.
Cat-drama (OP)
I know this is right, but it's just really frustrating. we've had the awkward conversation of explaining why we don't have a prenup to some friends and family, and I really don't mind getting into those topics or talking about those things.
I know this is different because she's not coming from a place of curiosity or just wanting to understand but it's wild to me that it jumped this quickly suddenly when we bought a house.
You shouldn't have to explain to anyone whether or not you have a prenup.
Your instincts are spot on. This is for your husband to deal with. Don't get involved. You will be painted as the bad guy. In the meantime, just ignore her.
Your instincts are spot on. This is for your husband to deal with. Dont get involved. You will be painted as the bad guy. In the meantime just ignore her.
And just why does his sister think she's more entitled to your husband's and your assets? Where's her husband/significant other?
Cat-drama (OP)
She's been really unlucky in relationships (been with some real terrible dudes) and the kid's dad is totally off the map and has been for years, which is partially why my husband has his college fund and pays for a bunch of his extra stuff like camps and sports. When he comes to stay with us it's for a private baseball camp thing.
If all her relationships have been "unlucky", SHE'S most likely the problem. I feel for her son. At least he has you two.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
After talking a bunch with both my husband and his parents we figured out a few things. He didn't tell her that he's replaced her as the beneficiary on everything because he assumed she would know that.
So she had texted him during the home purchase "hey do you need my signature on anything for this new house?" He had messaged her back "no???" She then essentially asked if the house was an asset "set up like his life insurance."
And he'd told her that everything is set up fine and that I'm on all of paperwork and she's responded "ok! :)" so I do think part of this is her truly not knowing how marriage is suppose to work and she seems to have expected there wouldn't be any change.
I found out she also mentioned this with their parents, her main concern being that if "something happened" to my husband, I wouldn't help her son like we've been doing as a couple. MIL and FIL say they told her not to worry and that I love our nephew, but that was what was going on behind the scenes before all this.
MIL and FIL also admitted that they may have unintentionally encouraged this, because they've always really encouraged their kids to support each other- but due to the various dynamics at play what that ends up being is pressure on my husband and a sort of "your brother will always be there for you" message to his sister.
This was particularly strong in the last few years before I met and married him because his parents thought he was planning to be a lifelong bachelor (they're not wrong in this- he definitely had that mindset at a time) and so then he and his sister really were, in their eyes, each other's lifelong person. So the last few years there had been this level of fallout I wasnt even aware of due to that.
I also learned SIL is in a not great financial situation, and due to past issues the whole family essentially refuses to give her cash but will do things like buy groceries or pay a phone bill. So she's been struggling and I think feeling a little desperate and jealous.
Oh course none of this is an excuse and I'm not speaking to her until I get an apology. My husband has also said he needs at least a week or two before he speaks to her, but he does plan to.
His parents are totally in agreement and understand, they are going to tell her that we talked about the dynamics at play and that she needs to acknowledge what is going on here and take accountability for her part in it- so hopefully that will Kickstart things in the right direction.
Being "too understanding" and "too flexible" has been a difficulty for me for a long time. Having feedback about how truly messed up that situation was was really helpful for me, so thank you! For me there's a fine line between being unbothered and being a doormat, and I'm definitely working on differentiating those two.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Glad that it has been talked about. You fully deserve that apology from her. Her being broke isn't on you, and the family need to stop enabling her by helping. Update me.
It's also wild that her whole plan was to just leech off her brother and foist her kid's expenses on other people? Like, get your shit together lady. You decided to have a kid, you're way too old to be this much of an insufferable loser.
It sounds to me that she is mad you are getting her payout. She thought she was getting everything of his until you came. Very entitled.
So it’s not that they are both supposed to be there for each other it’s just that he’s constantly supposed to be there for her? Either way stand your ground and good luck op. UpdateMe!
Um .. ew? Your husband is gonna need some therapy to unpack all this weird enmeshment.