'My SIL showed up unannounced hours after my traumatic birth and held my baby before me. AITA?'
"My SIL showed up unannounced hours after my traumatic birth and held my baby before me. AITA?"
I (24F) and my husband (23M) had a baby in October last year. The birth was as traumatic as the whole pregnancy. From the beginning I felt something was wrong and this being our first baby I worried more than I probably should have, but because I have PCOS we never thought I could get pregnant anyway and we were preparing to never having kids of our own.
After getting that positive pregnancy test we scheduled an appt and everything went fine, until, we were at the 20 weeks appt and our Dr told us that I needed an emergency surgery if I didn’t want our baby to be born premature or loose him.
After crying and Drs explaining things I don’t even remember till this day, I had a cerclage put in, which basically prevents my short cervix from dilating before 37 weeks and having a miscarriage.
This was just the beginning. After that I couldn’t stand for even short periods of time or force my body to do anything that required lifting more than 20 pounds. I felt useless at home and at work.
Later on, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and had to be put on 2 different types of insulin. I had to inject some in the morning, after breakfast, lunch and supper and before bed, not to mention avoid sweets at all costs.
For our baby shower we had something small because we had bought everything we needed with exception of some things. My SIL got us 1 box of every size diapers, a big box of wipes, a mamaroo swing (around $200) and on top of that she bought everything for a onesie making station and her husband cooked a brisket, which they also paid for. She really went all out. We were very thankful.
Because we were never able to regulate my sugars I ended up being induced at 37 weeks. When my baby finally came and they put him on my chest he didn’t cry and I had around 20 people in my room crying for me and him trying to figure out what was going on.
When they finally got him to cry, I was able to take him with me to my recovery room and hold him for the first time. It was the most beautiful moment of my life. When feeding time came around, nurses checked his sugars and his sugars were very low. They told me to feed him again and that they would check his sugars again in 1 hour.
After they left, my husband gets up his chair and says “I’ll be right back”. As I sat there taking everything in when he comes back and right behind him is my SIL. I had no words. I had given birth almost 2 hours ago and was in no condition or mood for visitors, something me and my husband had talked about.
I even had my parents, who flew all the way from Puerto Rico stay in a hotel until we were home from the hospital and ready for visitors. She walked right passed me and sat on a chair staring at our newborn.
She had driven 2 hours and didn’t notify us once. From the pressure I said she could hold him, but inside I was impatient. She even took pictures of him, something I didn’t agree with.
The nurses came back in and checked his sugars, unfortunately his sugars weren’t up so they took him to the NICU right after that. I didn’t even got to hold my son again before they took him, the nurse gave him to me for 1 minute so I could say goodbye. I was heartbroken and this complete stranger had held my son more than I had.
She left and me and my husband had my very awaited conversation. He said he was sorry and that she never told him she was coming, she just decided it was okay to show up unannounced and we would be okay.
When I was finally able to go to the NICU I had a Dr greet me and explain what was going on. My son had a traumatic birth. His shoulder had gotten stuck, he was very bruised and he was put in an incubator because he wasn’t able to hold his temp. No one really knew what was going on.
Maybe a day had passed and my husband calls asking where I was (he had driven 1 hour and 30 minutes home to feed our dogs) I was at the NICU. They had done ultrasounds on him, checked his sugars every hour and done a bunch of lab work; they still didn’t know what he actually had going on.
The doctors kept running test after test because something wasn’t adding up. I was devastated, all I could do was cry and pray that God would shed some light to the situation.
When my husband comes in, he’s a little too quiet, so I asked him if everything was okay, to what he says “My sister is here”. I tried to argue I wanted to stay with my son, but he convinced me saying I couldn’t be at the NICU all day and night, that I needed someone to talk to. I agreed. I went to my room.
I still hadn’t even showered, brushed my hair or my teeth.
My priorities in that moment were my son and his well being.
She came in and to my surprise, she had brought her husband and her 4 children. I felt like we were at the zoo, but my son was the main attraction. Her husband, my husband and I talked for a little while, but she stayed quiet. It was obvious she didn’t care about me or my husband.
She wanted us to offer to take them to the NICU to see him, but I was not going to offer something I wasn’t comfortable with, plus the NICU is for babies who are sick, babies that need 24/7 attention to get better and 8 people in that small room was not in my mind at the moment, specially with them wanting to hold him.
After 15 minutes they left and after a few hours she deleted my husband (her brother) from Snapchat. She was just being petty. My husband reached out to her, but didn’t get a response.
A few days had passed and we had gotten some information about my son. He was no longer in an incubator, but he was on IV fluids and sodium because he couldn’t keep anything down. They did more ultrasounds, x rays and a CT scan.
They had found a little vein on his brain that could bleed out and harm him. His platelets were down (this helps cloth the blood) so this was even more terrifying than not knowing what was going on. Also, his spleen and kidneys were enlarged and were pressing his intestines making him throw up.
No news from my SIL until maybe day 4. She had sent my husband a long ass paragraph that summarized in “You guys were disrespectful and I just wanted to be there for you guys because no one was there for me”. That’s when I learned about postpartum rage :)
After a week and two of the most amazing NICU nurses my son was able to come home with us and my parents were able to hold their first grandchild. I was a very strict mom tho. I had hand sanitizer in every room and I specifically requested that they wouldn’t kiss my baby anywhere. I didn’t want him to get the smallest of sicknesses and end up in the emergency room.
Fast forwarding to now she didn’t call my husband on his birthday and has been ignoring us since. I received my baby shower pictures just recently and decided to send the ones she was in, but got no response. She posted on Facebook 40 minutes later, so I unfriended her on social platforms and just kept her number for emergencies. So, AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA - You had no obligation to take them to the NICU when they visited and she decided she didn't want contact anymore.
Also four kids who have germs and everything. Absolutely not. Your kid hasn't been vaccinated yet to those germy people. Also In some Asian societies you don't have visitors for three months. It came from health concerns since the baby is vulnerable then and the mom has to rest.
My mom always masked up With my babies till they were one and even then. She's a doctor and my dad also a doctor would do so. My husband would strip in the garage shower and everything before touching the babies. And he's a surgeon. But your husband has a problem. He may have let them and knew you couldn't protest. She may have informed him and not you.
NTA but your husband is. Twice - TWICE - he let you down in your most vulnerable state because he didn’t have the backbone to say no to his sister. WTF is wrong with that man?!
I’d be having a really serious talk with him and being ironclad about boundaries moving forward. And spell out consequences. If he betrays you again, he needs to go away and get his head on straight somewhere before coming back with absolute commitments to you and his child.
I was more angry at the husband than the SIL. He failed to do his one job, and he failed it miserably. And who gives a crap that their sister deleted them from Snapchat when their newborn is critically ill!?!
Your SIL is acting very entitled. She should have known better. It's up to your husband to handle this, and I suggest he let her continue to block him and keep your distance.
Yes, she was generous with gifts, but she was very intrusive at a frightening and difficult time. You didn't do anything wrong and if she contacts you or your husband again, tell her she won't be seeing any of you until you receive a sincere apology. She was rude.
You and him stop contacting her. She completely overstepped first of all for showing up without telling you both or asking if it was ok. She just wanted to do what she damn well pleased regardless of how you felt.
Your husband was wrong to walk in with her and put you on the spot. I would have been angry about that. He should have come in alone first and told you she was there. This was a way for you not to object and I would have really been angry. You don't put someone on the freaking spot.
She didn't know what the hell was going on and she totally crossed a serious boundary. Then showing up with her kids. Way out of line. She has a lot of nerve to say you were disrespectful? Because you didn't bring out the welcome wagon?
This woman has some nerve and neither one of you run after calling her. She was so out of line it isn't even funny. You need to talk to your husband and tell him not to ever pull that crap again.