'AITA for telling my grieving sister-in-law I wont invite to her to things if she keeps up her attitude?'
"AITA for telling my grieving sister-in-law I wont invite to her to things if she keeps up her attitude?"
I (51F) have been married to my husband Albert (60M) for almost 24 years now. We have two kids, Josh (22M) and Jessica (20F). My brother is Alex (49M) and his wife is Anastasia (48F).
My husband's brother, Levi, passed away last October at age 61 of cancer. His widow is Christina (69F), who has always been very bossy, rude, will do favors for people they didn't ask for and be annoyed at them when they aren't overjoyed, and if anyone dares to call her out on anything, she refuses to speak to them for some time (included Levi at times).
She had an unhappy first marriage and moved to the US from the UK about 28 years ago to try dating over here (and left her then teenagers over there with their dad), and when I was pregnant with and later had Josh, she genuinely pretended that Albert and I didn't exist, or would make snide comments, and unfortunately, Levi never asked her to stop.
They moved back to the UK in 2005, came over to see my in-laws and us once every six years or so, and then back to the US (Nevada) in 2022, and these past few years have come to us in Oregon for holidays.
One Thanksgiving she yelled at me that she wasn't being "acknowledged" enough by Jessica, which made me mad because I know for a fact Jessica said hi and talked to her a bit.
Nowadays: Levi's death has been hard on Albert. I miss him as well, as does his mom Joanna (88F).
I genuinely do feel for Christina in this regard.
But last Xmas, Christina made rude comments on Jessica's crop tops, saying "Oh, look whose stomach's out again", and right before she left, she told her "your stomach's out again, and it's getting chubbier too!". I was so shocked in the moment I didn't know what to say. Jessica was pretty upset and wished I had said something, and I should have.
Now Christina's up here to visit for 3 weeks, saying she's "bored now"; we don't know what to do with her because Albert and I are both employed and our kids are in school, but anyway, the conflict:
Our kids, plus Alex and Anastasia were over last night, and Christina told Jessica at dinner because of her tank top that she could see her "huge shoulders & arms" and that the food would "keep adding to it".
I confronted her about that right then and there, saying that I get that shes grieving, but it doesn't give her the right to be rude, and that we won't invite her to stuff if she has this attitude. She gave me a look of anger, got up and left the table, refused to speak to me for the rest of the night, and went back to Joanna's house (where she's staying).
Albert says he agrees with me calling her out, but says I went too far by saying I won't invite her to stuff. Alex and Anastasia disagreed and said that she has been needing a reality check for a while (as both love my kids a lot). Albert is frustrated though because he feels that Christina was his brother's wife for 24 years and thus deserves some grace.
It's just such a messy situation, and maybe I did go too far.
She's here for the next few weeks. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA - The fact that she lost her husband has nothing to do with any of this. She’s a mean person and I would never spend time around someone who speaks to my children like that.
I didn’t realize there was a 6th stage of grief called “teen girl food shaming”. Does that come before or after “acceptance”. NTA. Read her the riot act and kick her out if she even looks funnily at either of your kids. Your daughter is owed that.
NTA but you describe her as someone that's always been rude and bossy, why did your comeback have to be about her grieving as well? You should have just said "that's a rude comment, we don't tolerate body shaming in our house. Keep your comments to yourself.
NTA I’m pretty shocked at your husband’s lack of loyalty to his own children. Wow.
A close family member of mine has literally died a few hours ago. I've called the funeral directors, they've taken the body and now I'm doom scrolling to distract myself. I've so far managed not to body shame anyone. The woman can sod right off, stand up for your daughter. No one should be treated poorly. Grief is no excuse.
NTA. Body shaming her niece won’t bring back her husband. It is rude and uncalled for. As her mom you’ve done the right thing to stand up for your daughter shut down Christina’s comments.
NTA. I feel like you’re being too graceful by ‘justifying’ her mean comments as an expression of her grief. That’s not it - she’s just a mean woman, who makes mean comments. Good for you for standing up for your daughter, and I do agree with your brother and SIL that this is the reality check your SIL needed.
I do feel sympathy for your husband, losing a sibling has to be one of the hardest things, but he also has to realize protecting your daughter is more important than protecting C’s feelings.
NTA. If someone made rude and demeaning comments to my daughter about her body, she is getting reprimanded, widow or not. She can still be invited to family events but it should always be on the condition that she must be kind to her extended family at these events.
Grieving and snapping or being extra sensitive or short tempered during the grief is one thing; but as someone who has lost loved ones and grieved deeply, it never caused me to fat shame someone.
NTA. Your number one job is protecting your children, above all else. She came after your kid, and the fact that you didn’t smash her face with a clothes iron the first time she did it is all the grace she gets. I’ve grieved. Millions of people have grieved.
It’s not a license to be cruel to anyone, much less children (I know 20 is a legal adult, but come on.) It may be a license to be anti-social or withdrawn or blue or exhausted, but never, ever does grief excuse cruelty. Full stop.