'AITA for asking my SIL if she wanted to hurt my son just to prove she could get him to not have an allergic reaction?'
"AITA for asking my SIL if she wanted to hurt my son just to prove she could get him to not have an allergic reaction in a specific restaurant?"
I (33m) am a SAHD (stay at home dad). My wife and I have three children. Cal (7), Tillie (4) and Roe (18 months). Cal is close in age to two of his cousin's, aka my SIL's, kids.
One is in the same grade and class at school as him and the other is just a year old. My SIL typically takes her kids out to eat after school on Friday's and she takes them window shopping and to an arcade.
My wife and I let him go one time and at the time my SIL said she didn't really know where they'd go to eat. We asked her to avoid this specific restaurant for Cal's sake. He has nut allergies and has different levels of reactions depending on his closeness to them.
This particular restaurant uses nuts in basically everything and uses a lot of nut oils while cooking. We went there as a family a little over a year ago for the first after being told they took allergies very seriously and had substations and very good standards for keeping allergens away from meals when needed.
But the exposure while we were there still caused a reaction and we left without eating because it wasn't worth it. We explained this to her but she still took them there and said she was extra careful but he ended up being sick while there as a result of the allergy.
It wasn't anaphylaxis but it angered both my wife and myself. SIL apologized and said she truly didn't see it being a big issue. My wife told her sister we had already explained we'd gone there and he had a reaction.
My SIL said she figured she could take extra precautions and my wife told her sister she should have accepted the fact we didn't want him there and found somewhere else or not taken him.
Turns out my SIL and her kids always go to this restaurant. They know it'll happen even though she asks about 4 or 5 other places nearby. Which is why I don't want my son to join them on Fridays for their Friday expeditions.
My SIL told me she wants to start taking Cal again and her kids would love it and since they're all so close in age it makes sense. I told her I couldn't allow it because I know where she takes them to eat and it's not safe for Cal.
My SIL argued that they could end up somewhere else and she learned her lesson. I asked if that meant 100% she wouldn't go to that restaurant or order food from there. She said she didn't have to. I told her that wasn't a definitive confirmation that she's avoid it.
She talked to my wife about it and my wife agreed with me. My SIL said we're denying the kids precious cousin time and Cal would be well taken care of. We said the safety of our son is #1.
My SIL said I didn't give her a second chance to prove she had learned. And I told her she thought she had learned how to avoid it last time too. I said we don't have a lot of rules for taking our kids but the healthy and safety aspect is something I won't ignore.
I told her she could have always taken him for the window shopping and arcade and dropped him home if she wanted time but safely and she said she would feel like a monster leaving him out of the meal and she could figure out a way to make everyone safe and happy.
I told her I didn't trust her to avoid that place and she wasn't winning my trust on that with anything. I asked her if she wanted to hospitalize Cal just to prove she could take him there without a reaction while we can't.
She called me a ba$t@rd and said I was making it sound significantly worse than it is. That all she wanted was to include him and she was willing to find a way. She said I was basically calling her an evil monster and it wasn't fair.
She tried to complain to my wife about what I said but my wife backed me up and told her she wasn't reassuring us well and she had the same concerns. My SIL complained to her husband next and he told me I went too far and saying she wanted Cal to die was unfair.
Maybe it was but since she ignored the concerns we had and the past two incidents at the restaurant I can't stop wondering how serious she is taking this.
AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Am I missing something? After the first '"mistake", all she had to do was categorically promise you that she would not take your son to that restaurant again or order food there. Instead, she gave a non commital answer and no reassurance for you. This is on her. You are NTA. She is, though.
Sounds like she’s one of those people who don’t believe allergies are serious. Sadly there’s a lot of them out them, who just assume “ah it’s just a rash, it won’t kill you”.
Not sure why you're asking, My SIL is a c-word, and her husband backs her up without knowing why.
Agreed - when a normal person realizes they’ve hurt someone, the normal reaction is to apologize and promise never to repeat the action. The fact that SIL refuses to even verbally commit to not endangering a child again tells you all you need to know. She’s not a good person, and she has basically told you that your kid’s basic safety is not something she cares about.
NTA as a parent of a kid with tree nut allergies i am in complete agreement with you. any restaurant where your kid had any sort of reaction is a place to avoid at all costs. your SIL clearly has no concept of cross contamination or doesn't care so keep your kid from eating out with her.