'AITA for not wanting to be an aunt to my sister-in-law's kids?'
"AITA for not wanting to be an aunt to my sister-in-law's kids?"
I 29F have 2 older brothers and this is going to be related to James 34M. Sometime around 3 years ago James met his now wife Aria 33F and they got married the following year. Aria also has 2 kids from her previous marriage but I'll come back to it later.
Ever since they started dating Aria has been very clear about her boundaries when it comes to our family. She claimed her previous marriage was a disaster because her ex husband was a mommy's boy, her ex MIL was very involved in their lives and she refused to have the same happen with James.
James, I assume being in love with her and wanting to start a family, basically agreed with everything so the result was him getting isolated from our family. My parents were never crazy, my mom was never an evil type of MIL and this can be confirmed by my other brother's wife who has an amazing relationship with mom.
To be honest we would have expected more from James, at least to defend us a little in front of his wife or try to keep a closer relationship with us. But he didn't so we spoke to him once, voiced our concerns about her being a controlling nightmare and that was it. We left him do whatever he wanted.
Ever since Aria joined our family, our relationship with them is disgustingly sterile and fake. We only see them for certain events like Christmas, Easter and birthdays and everything that comes from them is so formal I guess.
I don't know how to explain it but they never share anything with us. The only thing they talk to us is small talk like, how are you, how have you been blah blah but that's it. A recent example that comes to my mind is that my brother got a big promotion and somehow it slipped during a dinner we had.
They never mentioned him getting that promotion, it was something like yeah now with my new role, my schedule changed a little bit. I tried to make a joke and told him wow, good job keeping it a secret bro and Aria told me it was not a secret but they are a private family and don't feel like disclosing financial information. Like wtf, no one asked about finances or money.
Aria's sister recently passed away and now she suddenly expressed that my SIL and I should be more involved as her kids' aunts. I told her I am sorry for her loss but I only am an aunt to my other brother's kids, not hers.
She told me this is wrong because we are family and I mentioned that I personally don't consider her or her kids my family. She is my brother's wife, her kids are my brother's step kids but that's it and honestly I barely consider James my family anymore since we are now only related by blood and nothing else.
I am not going to take over a role that I don't want for people who I barely know. Apparently my words affected James who asked me if I mean what I said. I told him yes, I mean it.
He asked me what can he do to make it better and I told him I don't know, how do you fix 3 years of treating your siblings and parents like garbage because of some strangers that entered your life in your 30s?
He claims he is willing to try for us to go back to how things were but I told him I am not interested. He can continue playing happy family with his wife and her kids, he doesn't need me for it because I am not a clown to entertain his wife's kids when she feels like it.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Aria needs free babysitters to replace her late sister. NTA, Aria would not have wished any changes in her relationship with you and your SIL otherwise.
100% this, she wants free childcare now that her original victim has died.
James chose his wife and her version of privacy over staying connected to you. That was his choice. Now he is dealing with the results.
WARN YOUR PARENTS she’s going to try to weasel her way into their lives, after 3 years of isolating their son. And if her sister was still alive, she’d continue to be distant. She just wants free childcare.
NTA. Keep the same energy. SIL is just a user.
I'm guessing Aria's sister was a doormat and babysat all the time and now she needs a replacement. NTA.
NTA She set the limitations and boundaries you’re respecting them. Because for me, it would be too little too late also.
She let her trauma from her first marriage taint her new one. It’s not fair that she gets to call all the shots and y’all are just suppose to what? Go with it? Condolences to her and her family but she made it clear how she views your relationship with her and her family and she just doesn’t get to change it at will. It’s not only her feelings and her needs she has to consider. I don’t blame you. NTA. This just sucks all around.
OP added this in the comments:
My oldest brother has kids as well. We have this family tradition that if anyone's birthday falls on a day we can't meet in person, we call each other to wish Happy Birthday and stuff. Guess what James did after meeting Aria. He never calls anymore instead he sends a Happy Birthday text message including for the kids.
even send more personal messages to my work mates than James does for his own niblings. Fun times making up lies to the kiddos that uncle Jamie is out of town or is busy and this is why he can't call and instead texts. Aria has never shown interest in the kids but hey, we should play happy aunty with hers instead, right? Yeah, no thank you