Single mom refuses to date single dads, 'I have reached the Promised Land.' AITA?

"AITA for being a single mom in my 40s who doesn't want to date single dads (40s-50s)?"

When I was 22, I had two kids under the age of 2 with my ex-fiancee. I came home from work one day after picking up the kids from daycare to find my ex had left. Took all his clothes, our emergency money, and every piece of electronics from our apartment and left.

I called everyone we knew for months to try and find him. All I got from his parents was he was okay and he would contact me when he was ready. Finally, after about six months, his sister admitted he had been cheating on me for years.

His affair partner had graduated from college, got a job offer across the country, and he had moved with her. My oldest was 1.5 years old, my youngest was about three months old, and I was a single mom by the ripe old age of 22. We haven't heard from him since.

Honestly, the relationship was shit and it wasn't a huge adjustment to being a single mom. I finally realized he was truly gone and tried to date again. I had strict rules on dating men. They wouldn't meet my kids until we had dated for at least six months and were seriously talking about a future.

I would only go on a date after the babysitter and I put the kids to bed at 7:30 and had to be at home by 11 to relieve the sitter and go to bed to be up in the morning with my kids. I had 100% custody 100% of the time. I couldn't just leave to go do anything spontaneous. And I certainly wasn't going to spend the night anywhere. As you can imagine, this didn't go well.

I usually got three responses to my dating rules. One, I didn't put enough effort into the relationship. Two, the men weren't ready to be dads in their early to mid twenties. And three, they didn't want to parent another man's kids. Which, even then, I thought was fair enough. Rarely did I go on a date with a man more than a couple times.

At 25, I came to the realization a relationship just wasn't in the cards for me. I quit dating completely, went into therapy, and started taking night classes at a community college instead of spending money on sitters to go on dates.

I pretty much focused on giving my kids everything they needed and most of what they wanted. Those years were crazy. I scratched my way up the corporate ladder. I got a higher education. And when I wasn't at work or school, I was with my kids.

My kids and I did everything together. If I wanted to go to the movies, we went to the movies (age appropriate of course). If I wanted to get my hair done, we went and got our hair cut/done. When I went to therapy, we went to therapy.

I took the fact that I had to be both mom and dad very seriously. My social life was basically zero. If I couldn't take my kids to an event, we didn't go. We called ourselves the Three Musketeers.

I also became what my therapist called "hyper-independent." I cleaned my house, mowed my lawn, did all of the repairs, took out my own trash, etc on my own. If I didn't know how to do it, I learned. I put a lot of pressure on myself to not need anyone for anything. My kids and I were our own island. Very rarely did I ask for help with anything.

My kids grew into wonderful people. They're adults now and have "adult jobs." They're both in long-term relationships (4 years and 2 years). They are smart, responsible, and the two most amazing people I have the honor of knowing.

But, like most adults in long-term relationships and good paying jobs, they moved out. We still talk every day/two days. We still hang out once a week or so. But I am very cognizant of the fact they need to live their lives. I'm not their everything anymore. They went and grew up on me.

About six months ago, my kids had a "come to Jesus" talk with me. They were worried I spent too much time alone and wanted me to start dating again. I agreed that it might be nice to dip my toes back into the dating pool.

The issue I'm having is I state pretty clearly on dating sites my children are adults and I'm not looking for more kids. For some reason, many men take that as I'm not looking to give birth to more children. But no. I'm not looking for any children at all. But for some reason, this is getting lost in translation and I predominantly match with men with younger kids.

The men who have contacted me have children anywhere in ages 4 to 14. I explain that I'm not interested in dating someone with minor children. They get angry at me since I'm a single mom and I should know how hard it is. And they're right. I am a single mom. I know how hard it is. And I'll be damned if I do it again.

They get mad when I state basically the same things I heard as a single mom in my 20s. They wouldn't have time for a relationship. I don't want to go back to a parental relationship. And I don't want to parent another woman's children.

I get the pushback the kids are with their moms half the time. That means half the time their with their dad and I don't want a man ditching his kids to go on a date to hang with me.

One dad was like, "But I only have them every other weekend!" Like, dude, do you think only seeing your kids four times a month is a turn on? Especially to a single mom? Or they're like, "You won't even meet them the first year!"

So that means at a minimum if it goes anywhere, I'll have to deal with a teenager for a couple years. They can't seem to understand that I'm done. Like done done raising kids even on the perimeter. I did my time. I'm on parole. I have reached the Promised Land.

I don't want to have to cancel dates because a kid got sick. I don't want to go to recitals and concerts of kids who aren't mine. I don't want to sit through sports stuff, wash uniforms, or figure out what healthy stuff to make for dinner. Even though I am a "baby momma," I don't want to deal with one even if they're a lovely woman.

I don't want to figure out schedules or plan kid-friendly stuff on vacations and such. Because even if a guy says I wouldn't have to do any of that, I don't know how a man would simply split his life totally in half and still be a responsible parent. In my eyes, if you're a parent Wednesday through Saturday, you're also a parent on Sunday through Tuesday even if the kids aren't with you.

One man got really mad at me and said I must hate dads since my kids dad left me. I asked him if when he was in his early 20s would he date a single mom? He said no but this is different. I said, "Just because you were 24 and I am now 44, nothing is different.

The same reasons why you wouldn't have dated me, I don't want to date you." He called me a hypocritical b*tch. I blocked him but it bothered me enough I'm awake late on a Saturday night thinking maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe I'm not giving them enough of a shot.

Or maybe I should get a dog and wait another ten years and try again when most men's children are adults, too. So that's that. Am I an ahole for not wanting to date single dads even though I am a single mom? I don't think I am but am now second guessing myself.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Greenfrog2023 said:

NTA. Date or dont date whoever you want. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

greenisler said:

NTA the way I see it, your requirements seem to be doing a terrific job of weeding out the idiots. Looking back at what you know now, about all these guys, would you have wanted any of them? I'll bet not.

Keep your boundaries, it's working. Just because you are getting kickbacks, doesn't mean you are wrong, it just means you're seeing what these guys are really like, early. That's a good thing, surely?

Foreign_Fall_8266 said:

Please, please, please stay this unapologetically true to yourself it is so refreshing. You are not doing a single thing wrong for knowing what you do and don't want out of life, and I pray you find someone with the same goals and understanding as you have.

Salty_Chip_5 said:

NTA. anybody who argues that you have no right to reject their romance is an AH. An entitled, controlling AH. Please be thankful for the wonderful blessing of having some boundaries that helped you weed out these AHs.

tomram8487 said:

NTA. Stop arguing with the guys. They see your profile that you don’t want to date fathers but they don’t care. As soon as you find out they’re a dad - unmatch and move on.

OrchidComprehensive1 said:

NTA - You’re entitled to choose who you date based on your preferences.

loligo_pealeii said:

NTA for your stance. I think you need to start looking at men in their 50s. Men your own age are mostly in the thick of parenting because most people wait until their late 20s to 30s to have kids.

So the issue is not that you're wrong, it's that you're in the wrong dating pool. Men in their 50s will also be done with the child-rearing part of their lives and will be much more sympathetic to your feelings on the matter.