Sister blamed for hurt feelings after forcing unwanted adoption reunion with the child her mother gave away. AITA?
"AITA for telling my sister she had no right to make promises on mom's behalf or mine and all hurt feelings are her fault?"
Please tell me if I'm a total AH to my sister or not. A few months ago my sister found out that our mom had given a baby up for adoption when she was a teenager. She told me and went to confront mom about never saying anything but mom shut down.
Our dad told us that mom had gotten pregnant years ago. She wanted a termination but her family prevented her from getting one. They wanted her to raise the baby but she didn't even want to touch her and refused all contact in the hospital and said she wanted the baby to be adopted out.
Her family tried to stop it but mom threatened to reveal who the father was if they made her keep the baby. She was kicked out not long after when all this happened so it was deeply traumatic for her and something she still doesn't like talking about. She only told dad once and they never talked about it again. That's why dad told us.
My sister told her she was in touch with the person mom gave up for adoption. That this woman wanted to meet her and ask questions and wanted to meet us all. Mom said said wouldn't meet this woman and would not answer questions.
My sister didn't listen and she told this woman that mom had agreed to meet her. She actually went beyond that and lied and promised that we all wanted her to be a part of the family as a daughter/sister and that mom had loved and missed her and thought about her every single day.
Then she brought her to the house during a family dinner. Mom fell apart when she realized and locked herself in her bedroom. Dad told my sister she had to leave and had to take "her guest" with her. Dad went to check on mom while I made sure my sister actually left.
My sister wanted me to leave with them and go to lunch and that's when I found out about her promise for a relationship with everyone. I told my sister I wasn't going and she left super pissed at me and at our parents.
My mom isn't talking to my sister right now. My dad told my sister she had no right to pull the kind of stunt she did and my sister keeps trying to pretend I'm on her side when I'm not.
She keeps talking about how hurt the woman was that we didn't want to meet and know her and that she was treated like a criminal when she isn't to blame for how she was conceived. I told my sister she had no right to make promises on our behalf. And I said all hurt feelings are her fault for lying in the first place.
My sister said it should be how we feel and I said it's not. I said the fact is it'll never be. I said she can have a relationship with her if she wants but she can't force mom into it after everything mom went through. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Is your sister a regular in online discussions? Most of the regulars here have no problem telling people how they should feel. I know it’s tough to face but your sister is an entitled b-word. You have my sympathy.
NTA I can’t help but feel awful after reading this, your poor mother was ambushed and traumatized all over again. Please talk to your dad to get her some therapy and go low contact with your sister.
Mom doesn't want therapy because she doesn't want to talk about her past again. Dad said he has tried suggesting it a few times but she just isn't interested. So he tries to be there for her when she needs it.
For the most part she does really good. I know we didn't notice anything before. But this will be a huge setback for her and my sister is too busy worrying about herself and the woman who was adopted.
NTA. Your sister made promises on your behalf, without your knowledge or consent. She is the AH and everything that happens to her as a result of it, is her own damn fault, if she can't admit that, it might be time to go low contact for some time.
NTA but does this random woman understand the circumstances? I'd do her a kindness and explain the actual events to her. There's no guarantee that your sister hasn't lied to her in many ways. Get in touch with her and be very clear that your sister is unstable and unreliable. Be honest about your mom's unaddressed trauma and unwillingness to ever see her again.
I don't know what she does or doesn't know. I never had any contact with her except for seeing her that one time.
NTA. I think for your mother’s sake, you should have one conversation with her to explain the situation to hopefully avoid any further harassment or escalation. Who knows what BS your sister has filled her head with and what stunts she’ll pull in the future, possibly with the same relatives who pressured her to keep the child.
Tell her she’s very close to trading one sister for another.
NTA. OMG, your sister!!!!!!! How disrespectful!!!! I don't even know you, and I'm so angry at your sister right now!!!! Disrespectful, no compassion, liar, clueless, egocentric, so f-ing oblivious!! How could she have done this to your mother AFTER your father told you the story?? I think I would have hit her, and I'm so against violence!