'AITA for telling my sister she's 'stupid' and trying to ruin our dad's life?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my sister she's stupid and ruining our dad's life?"

I (23M) have 2 younger siblings, "Anna" (21F) and "Chloe" (19F). We've always been close. Our parents split up when I was 9 and our mom became pretty much a deadbeat (I've seen her maybe 5 times in the last 10 years), so my dad (50M) raised us, and it's pretty much always been us and him.

Even after he started dating "Fiona" (44F) when I was 15, our dynamic stayed mostly the same and there were pretty much no issues aside from some adjusting. Chloe recently moved out after living at home for her first year at college, and a few months later, my dad announced that he and Fiona were engaged and going to get married.

Imo everyone expected this would happen since they were together so long, but Anna was very upset. She's been complaining to everyone about it for weeks, but mostly me. She says it's like he was just waiting for us all to grow up and get out of the house so that he could move in his new woman and be a family with her instead.

She also doesn't like that there's a 7 year age gap between them, because he and our mom were high school sweethearts, and our mom was actually a few months older, so she feels like our dad is replacing her with a younger model. Sidenote she's never liked Fiona because she was still hoping my parents would get back together when he and Fiona started dating (mom was less of a deadbeat then).

Anna also thinks there isn't much passion between them, because every time she was over at our place, they barely touched and just treated each other like polite acquaintances since we were kids.

She also doesn't see why he has to move her in before they're even married because Fiona is financially well-off and doesn't need the stability. She wants to be able to spend this summer with just our dad and us, without anyone else moving in yet.

She told me the other day that she's planning on trying to set him up with one of her friends' single mom instead, who she feels is much more age-appropriate and likable than Fiona and whom she thinks he'd have more chemistry with. She's planning on telling him this weekend and wants me to back her up.

I just lost my patience and told her to leave me out of this and that she's ruining his life by trying to set him up on some blind date as if he's a child. She started crying and told me all she wants is what's best for him because Fiona's the wrong woman and he's making a mistake, but I said I don't see how this would help when he's already engaged and that she's being stupid.

She called me an AH for being so harsh and hasn't talked to me since then. I admit part of me is also bummed that we won't have as much of my dad's time anymore and that things are about to change dramatically, so I wonder if I should have been more validating or supportive of Anna, but I just don't think our dad did anything wrong or that talking him out of this will do any good. AITA?

Edit:

The main reason I'm second guessing myself is because I too would love another summer with just our dad, but I have my own place now so it's not like I have nowhere to go if things get unbearable with Fiona here (I don't think they will, she's always let us kids do our own thing), so it's not that big a deal to me.

I also do see where Anna's coming from about him and Fiona not being very romantic in front of us (our parents were much more touchy-feely). Idk if this means she's the wrong woman or not but tbh since my dad doesn't seem to care, I don't either.

I don't see her as another parent or anything but we've personally never had a problem with each other, and I don't think Chloe does either. I do agree my dad deserves to whatever he wants to be happy at this point.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Scared_Weather1672 said:

NTA. Your sister needs to stay in her lane and accept that your dad can make his own decisions.

Laines_Ecossaises said:

NTA. Does your sister not realize how selfless your dad was for you both?. He has been with Fiona for 8 years and probably has wanted to marry her for quite a while. But he put his childrens' needs first, not wanted to put them through more upheaval with a change in living dynamic.

For what we see here, he should get a medal and instead his daughter is insulting and underming his relationship. Shame on your sister for thinking she knows who's better for him. She should let him be happy on his own terms with who he loves.

For your sister to do this is to insult your dad and everything he's done for her. Do not encourage or support this behavior. She is going to blow up her relationship with her dad, don't get sucked in and ruin your relationship too

[deleted] said:

NTA. Also 7 years is not a big age difference when the couple is mid 40's/50's lmao it's not like the new woman is 25.

OP responded:

She was 34 when my dad was 41 and they were a bit younger than that when they first met but yeah I totally get what you are saying

madagascarprincess said:

NTA, Anna sounds like she needs to grow up and get therapy for her unresolved issues around your parents’ divorce. Everyone in this story is an adult who can make their own decisions. Especially your dad.

DLCMotroni said:

First, you are both old enough to respect your father and HIS choice on who he wants to be with. Second, maybe Fiona and dad aren't touchy feely in front of you all out of respect.

I would think you both would be devastated if he got back with bio mom after her deadbeat ways....you want him with someone like that for the rest of his life? Regardless if they were high school sweethearts, she ended up not so sweet to him or her children!

You all need to understand, that you have your whole lives in front of you, let dad decide what he wants for the rest of his - tell your sister to back off with the blind date, or she might find herself on his s#!tlist. Would she like him to do that to her? I don't think so. Good luck!

OP responded:

No you're right, I definitely don't ever want him to get back with our mom, tbh I'd much rather have a relationship with Fiona over her at this point. I know my dad will be really hurt when he finds out about this blind date, so idk if I should warn him beforehand or not.

I just feel guilty all-around now, for keeping it a secret or potentially telling him before Anna brings it up. I'd try to talk her out of it, but she still isn't talking to me.

He later shared this update:

Thanks to everyone who shared all the advice. A lot's gone down, so I thought I should update. I tried talking to Anna once more about not doing this blind date thing, but she refused. So as folks suggested, I went and told my dad I had to warn him about something. Here's where I maybe messed up a bit: Fiona was there and maybe I should have said it privately, but there was no time.

He asked what was wrong and I just couldn't get the words out, so I said it's about the engagement, and that it was best he heard it from Anna. Well of course he went to her room to get her.

We all sat in the living room (Chloe was already watching tv there), and after some coaxing from him, she just exploded and started crying it wasn't fair, things were happening too fast, he just decided to get engaged without even consulting us and we were just supposed to go along with it like we're still children.

She said we never consented to our mom leaving us and had no say in them getting back together, so that we should have at least had a say in who he started dating next (pls note this isn't what I personally feel).

Anyway my dad just looks shellshocked. Seeing his face made me feel godawful. He looked silently at Fiona. She suddenly burst into tears. This scared me because I've never seen her cry.

My dad's rarely weepy and I've even seen him cry more. Dad held her hand, and she just kept sobbing "I told you, I told you". I felt worse. One nice thing was Chloe got emotional to see this, so she actually went over and gave Fiona a hug. I felt like doing it too but thought it'd be weird.

My dad hugged Anna and said he was sorry he never realized how she felt. He said it's too late to set him up with anyone (I managed to have Anna add this), if he was going to be with anyone it would be Fiona, but if this engagement was really hurting her the two of them would talk about whether it can be postponed.

He did say it's a done deal she's moving in this summer though, since she already ended her lease and made arrangements.

Long story short, he arranged family therapy. Fiona actually suggested it and said she was willing to participate if it would help. I don't think I need therapy, but I think I'm going to do it just to help. Chloe agreed and Anna hasn't said anything since this happened, but I think that's a sign she's accepted it.

Things were ok for the rest of the evening (thank god no blind date). Dad asked if I was ok and thanked me for doing this. He said he was proud of me (I teared up lol). He and Fiona sat on the porch for the rest of the night with his arm around her.

I'm honestly relieved. Things have been calm since then. Anna's still quiet, but at least she's not avoiding us or objected to therapy. The first one starts early July and he's booked it for just us 4 for now. Thanks for all the support, everyone. I'm really hopeful things will get better from now on.

Edit:

While it's true my dad never asked us for permission to date Fiona, I remember him saying many times that he was starting a relationship, and that his biggest hope was for us to be okay with it, and if not, he'd do whatever it took to help us get there.

We weren't necessarily thrilled but I know none of us had objected, though maybe Anna just didn't think it would stick idk. I also don't think they should have to postpone the marriage, but if that's what everyone sees fit to do, I won't object.

Also just want to clarify, my dad and Fiona are STILL engaged, no one's called off or postponed the marriage yet (which I'm glad about), postponing was just something my dad suggested in order to take more time to help Anna if it was needed, but they're definitely still getting married and he made it clear he'd never marry anyone but her.

I DID make it clear during the whole confrontation that these were just Anna's thoughts and I don't share them.