Man ridiculed by mom for wanting gay best friend as live-in maid over sister. AITA?
"AITA for not wanting my sister to live with me if she's not my maid?"
taGuilty-Effort-9299
That's what my mother said I said. Not fluent.
I (30M) live with my best friend, Mike (27M) and I pay all of our bills.
An important context, Mike is gay and he was outed by a cousin to the family while finishing college and his parents simply stopped helping and disowned him. He went into a deep depression where he had to stop working and take a break from college because he was so broken.
He helped me with what he had saved and when everything was done, he said he would leave because he couldn't help anymore and at the time I was already working and a good salary, I told him to relax and just clean the bathroom (which I was responsible for) and that I managed the bills.
And since then, we've had this agreement for 3 years, Mike has developed health problems that make it difficult for him to get a job. During this time, he, of his own free will, started taking care of the house and making our food, saying it was a way of giving back for everything I do. He even jokes that he's a stay at home friend and I don't mind paying for everything.
The problem is, my mother doesn't have such a good financial situation and when my sister was accepted to college in my city, she called me with my sister telling me the news. She then asked if she could live with me and said that she wouldn't be able to help much with the bills, so she asked for help.
I responded saying that there is no space at home, because I live with my friend. She asked if I could help with the bills when she lives in my city and I replied that I couldn't, as I already have my responsibilities and could commit to helping with that too.
She ended up realizing that he was still my friend who she knew and that I helped pay the bills. So, she asked if I still supported Mike and I said yes, but he helped me with many other things. She exploded saying that I wanted to support a 27-year-old dude, but to help my sister who needs financial support to go to college. I didn't want to.
I asked, jokingly, to my sister if she would agree to take care of the house, make our food and help me with other things in exchange for having everything paid for by me and she replied that she was not my maid. I responded by saying that then I prefer Mike (and even if she said yes, I wouldn't change my mind), because he is my best friend and helpful.
I hung up before I heard any more BS and since then I've been bombarded with messages from them saying that my sister wouldn't have time to be my maid because she's studying and that it was unfair to ask her to do the same as someone who doesn't do anything all day.
Like Mike, they even questioned my sexuality saying that our relationship was "too gay" (I'm asexual). No, I'm not super close with them. By the way, Mike is getting a graduate degree and looking forward a new job and maybe he can retire already, but he's trying to get a job. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's story:
bkwormtricia
NTA. Who lives in your house is your choice. At least he is helpful! But you should also consider his future. Not having a job and not being a spouse means he will never qualify for Social Security retirement or disability (at any age), nor for Medicare coverage. Consider a Marriage of Convenience to help him out - In the US one year of marriage qualifies him if his health problems get worse.
berrycarditis
He said he's not fluent in English so he might not be in the US, and laws differ elsewhere in the world. In my country it's irrelevant whether you're married or not to be able to have access to a disability pension.
But if you have a job you cannot get it, so you must be effectively unemployed permanently. Anyway, it's a good thing to keep in mind so he can research what the regulations are like where they live!
default20020
NTA - Your best friend sounds more like family than your sister! And that's okay. Life changes over time. Family is sacred in some cultures, but that isn't something that you need to keep in your life.
It is understandable that your family is a bit panicked, though. They have a hard situation, and they thought you were the easy way out. But you just do not have the means to help out here, and that's okay. They might blame you for now, but that's just the urgency talking. Be firm that you simply do not have the means to help, and don't be mean to them unnecessarily.
BankApprehensive2514
I think the situation might necessitate meanness that can be perceived to be unnecessary. Mike is grateful for the help he's receiving. Meanwhile, OP's family feels automatically entitled to that level of financial help and benefits.
Entitled to the point of clearly choosing to repeatedly try and force their wanted reality on OP when OP has clearly and repeatedly conveyed his feelings on this matter. At this point, OP's family has clearly and repeatedly shown that they don't care about OP in this scenario. They want what they want and they want it now and no matter what.
OP needs to lay down some law to put the situation to bed and done with once and for all. His family is being cruel to him and wasting energy that could be spent on actually finding a solution to their problem.
mlc885
NTA. She won't be studying because she cannot afford a place to live.
Your place is not a free home for whoever in the family needs it.
rockology_adam
NTA. It sounds like lot of entitlement and jealousy on the part of your sister, but those are her feelings and she can live with them. You don't have the bandwidth to help her right now. It doesn't matter that Mike is one of the reasons that you don't have the bandwidth. You're choosing to give that support to Mike, so he gets it. It sounds like you're a lot closer with Mike than with your sister anyway.