'My sister has spent years making me the villain in her story. Now she needs my help. I want to tear her to pieces. AITA?' UPDATED
"My sister has spent years making me the villain in her story. Now she needs my help. I want to tear her to pieces. AITA?"
So; if you've read some of my previous writing, you'll know my sister and I don't get along. Unfortunately; it has gone to another level of evil and I'm frankly tired of it. Allow me to explain.
My younger sister and I have not spoken for more than a minute and a half in the last seven years. The timeline is fairly simple; I'll lay out the most relevant details. In 2019; after I had worked at Sturgis, I had to come back to my home state and spent about six weeks living with my sister and her family.
Not ideal, but the fact is the plans I had made for a place of my own before I came home fell through. My sister was okay with me staying on her couch for about two weeks. After that, she decided I owed her rent to live on her couch, buying my own food while I looked for a job and a new apartment as quickly as I could.
About a month in, I had secured a job and had lined up an apartment. The day before I was due to move in; my sister, her boyfriend and I had a few drinks together that evening while watching tv.
The next day, after I came home from work, I found my belongings packed, thrown out on the porch and the door locked. When I knocked, I was told to leave because my sister felt I was being a bad influence and an alcoholic for "drinking in front of her kids." I called my grandfather, explained the situation, and stayed the night with him before moving into my apartment the next day.
Meanwhile; my sister has told anyone who would listen that I'm a drunk, that I endangered her kids and that I had refused to pay rent, but she only ever asked because she and her now husband were only working part time and had two kids and just wanted some money to help cover their bills so they just decided to filch it from me.
Anyway; this behavior continues for several years. My sister and her husband telling anyone who would listen that I was a monster, took advantage of them, and mistreated them and their children, none of which was even remotely true and when cornered they had three different versions of the story to make me seem as despicable as possible.
On the other hand, when she flunked out of university in 2016, I let her move in with me so she could start college there. I let it go when she moved her then boyfriend move in and let the house go to the dogs while I worked full time.
I was the one who buried their dog when they decided they would rather go out on a date than take it to the vet. I was the one who picked up the pieces when they filched their landlord and I got stuck with the aftermath.
My aunt and I were the ones who warned my sister when she got pregnant out of wedlock that she needed to prioritize that child and she would be putting herself into a difficult position as a single mother.
She scoffed at both of us. I'd like to think she realized we meant well eventually. I remember when I was staying with them. I remember watching my sister play favorites with their children; consistently prioritizing her younger daughter and being so harsh to her half daughter that the poor kid would run to me if she was getting in trouble for the smallest thing. I don't have kids, but that just felt wrong.
Most recently; I was attending my grandmother's funeral. Grandma was 90 and she had been steadily getting worse for months. I made a 900 mile trip to support my mom because I promised that I would. I was there for her and acted as a pallbearer.
My dad and I helped where we could. As morbid a scene as it was, I got to spend a lot of time that weekend meeting two of my nieces and getting to know them. I was there for the viewing, which was hard, but I promised.
When my sister found out I was there, she tried to slip out of it. She did show up eventually, about half an hour before the funeral home closed. Showed up with her husband and kids, all in pajamas and making the noise of a small circus.
My sister did nothing to control her children as they ran around the venue and refused to speak to me at all. She made a point not to attend the funeral. I bought chocolate milk and donuts for my nieces, gave it to my parents to give them since they were staying with our aunt, and went to the funeral of my grandmother; the eighth relative I've buried in ten years.
Four months ago, our biological father died. He was a piece of filth and is better dead. My sister decided that she would take over the probate work and set about acquiring the death certificate.
Unfortunately for her; she needs the adoption paperwork to prove relation for the certificate. I found out through our mom, and she told me this. She also told me my sister has taken to accusing me of Stolen Valor recently.
Which is not only a flagrant lie and a crime, it is ironic in the extreme since her husband was in the National Guard and had been chaptered out after going AWOL because he got put on remedial PT because he failed to meet physical standards.
To be clear; I did enlist out of high school, I was training with the 787th MP Battalion in 2013. Unfortunately; that was cut short when I started having difficulty breathing. I was chaptered out under Article 3.
A doctor in New Orleans was able to determine that this was because I had separated three ribs from the right side of my sternum. I still have all the discharge paperwork as well. I have also never claimed to be a veteran in any conversation or paperwork I've had.
If people ask I tell them I enlisted and was medically discharged. Now; I'm in two minds, as I'd like very much to torch my sister over this behavior, but my mom wants me not to pick a fight. I want to post this on FB to all our relatives and watch her try to explain her deceit. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA - how much slander are you going to let her get away with? Mother is an AH too for enabling her and trying to silence you from defending yourself. Nothing wrong with setting the story straight, but you’ll need to be clear on your boundaries afterwards not only for her, but other family members who engage with her.
Hairy-Conflict5509 (OP)
The prior accusations about me being a drunk etc. were easily pulled apart and the people who matter to me know I don't drink much. I've bought four bottles in as many months, and three of them went to friends.
This stolen valor accusation came to my attention yesterday. I definitely am not cool with that at all, because that is an actual crime and carries real consequences. I'll have to sort that out immediately, but it's just the latest thing with her. I plan on talking to my uncle and aunts tomorrow just in case. She may not have told them, but she typically does this stuff so she can play the victim.
NTA but also what do you want out of this relationship with your sister? If setting the story straight will bring you peace then do it, no shame in saying what's what and having people deal with it (there are right and wrong ways to do this, but the truth is the truth).
But also, is engaging with her going to just make things worse? Maybe going off on her is exactly what she wants so she can point and say she was right. I'd make HER explain her behavior, honestly.
If she needs help then she needs to clear their air and fix her mess. Otherwise she doesn't get the privilege of a healthy relationship. NTA but also just think about what you really want here, OP.
The OP then returned with an update.
OK. Minor update as I read several of the comments. To put a few things in order. My Elder brother, my sister and I are all blood related but were adopted by the same family. Mother and father were abusive, now the father is dead.
Our adoptive mom is a former detective and has gotten pretty tired of my sister and her husband as well, but my sister tends not to listen unless you're validating her.
The point about moving on is fair, and that's generally what I've tried to do, but once in awhile I hear things like this and it pisses me off. I have a few friends I talk to, but most of them don't have much to say, as I've been blessed with an unusual life.
My sister's love life is her business. I don't approve, but one can only watch the people you cared about make their own mistakes sometimes. When she and her Husband got married, he had a daughter from a previous marriage that he brought with him, only to later give her to her grandparents to raise.
The right thing to do would be to provide the paperwork and get the whole thing over with, but part of me wishes she's just admit she was wrong. I'm not blameless either, but i can admit it. Like I said, military career was cut short, but i've done alright for myself since.
I suppose part of me wants her to realize I went to a lot of trouble over the last decade to help her out on numerous occasions only for her to treat me like persona non grata over hurt feelings. I kind of expect her to call and demand that I give her the paperwork she needs, but that's the problem. I guess I want an apology but I know better than to hope for one.
NTA OP, but you are a slightly A to yourself. Close the chapter. you won't get an apology and you stay engaged emotionally too much. Live your life to the fullest that's the best thing to do for you! Send her the paperworks and then block her and learn to ignore all the drama. this won't help you.
I have a sister (prefer to call her moms daughter though) and she did a lots of evil and stupid stuff herself and the consequences were, that I went NC with her - last 10 years are free of any drama. And even, after my mother reconciled with her - I just ignore it and live my life.Tis the only way it will ever work for you.
Stop expecting anything from her. Make sure people know what a scumbag she actually is, unless you want to continue this dance for years to come. You've already given her enough grace.
You can't expect rational behavior from irrational individuals. I have to keep reminding myself of this with my brother.