'AITA for refusing to give more $$ to my niece's college fund after my sister spent most of it on prom?'

"AITA for refusing to loan money to my sister for my niece's college fund after she spent most of it on prom?"

So I (37f) have a sister (40f) who’s a single mom to my niece (17f). She’s done most of it on her own since her daughter was born, and while we’ve had ups and downs, I’ve always tried to be supportive. My husband and I have a 14-year-old daughter ourselves, and we’re not exactly rolling in it either, but we’ve been careful, planned ahead, and have tried to keep things stable.

About five yrs. ago, I started contributing money toward a college fund for my niece. Nothing huge, just here and there. Birthdays, tax return leftovers, a couple hundred from my bonus, that kind of thing. My sister said she was adding some too, and over time it grew to just over $11k. The entire idea, which we both agreed on, was that it was for college only. Not rent, not clothes, not bills and definitely not prom.

Well, Prom was in late April. My niece looked absolutely beautiful. She had this pale blue fitted dress, her hair was done in this really pretty updo, makeup was on point, nails, shoes, they all looked great. She and her friends got a limo, went to a some Italian restaurant before the dance, and did a little photo shoot thing.

It wasn’t celebrity-level extravagant, but it was definitely expensive. I remember seeing the photos and thinking, “wow, they all look amazing,” followed immediately by, “how exactly did they pay for this?”

So earlier this week I was going over some financial stuff (I’ve been managing the account the college fund is in since it’s technically in my name too), and I see that about $7,000 is gone with no explanation. It wasn’t hacked or anything, it was my sister. She used it to cover prom expenses and didn’t even mention it to me.

When I called her, she didn’t even seem that surprised to hear from me. She was kind of cagey at first, then got defensive and said she only used some of the fund and that there’s still enough for a couple semesters at community college if niece doesn't get a scholarship somewhere else. Like that makes it okay.

I told her I was shocked she didn’t ask me and she just went off about how it was her daughter’s only prom, that she deserved something special, and how she’s been through so much lately and she just wanted her to feel like she belonged. I get that things have been rough for them. But I still couldn’t believe she just dipped into that money like it was hers.

Then she hits me with: “I was gonna rebuild the fund over the summer anyway, but I’m short now, can you spot me like $2k just for now?”

I told her no. I didn’t yell or anything, just a clear no. And now it’s a full-on meltdown. She said I’m holding money over her head, that I’m showing my true colors, that I don’t really care about her or my niece, and now she’s dragged our mom and other relatives into it. My mom texted me this whole long thing about family sticking together and how prom only happens once.

And the worst part? My niece texted me too. She said she didn’t know the money came from her college fund and she’s sorry, and that she doesn’t want me and her mom to fight. And now I feel like absolute garbage.

But like what was I supposed to do? I’ve got my own daughter, and we’ve been saving bit by bit for her too. I can’t just casually drop thousands of dollars to refill a fund someone else emptied without even telling me. My husband agrees with me and said if we want to help my niece with college in the future, we can, but not directly through my sister.

I love my niece and I want her to succeed. But I don’t trust my sister with money anymore. And I’m sick of being made out to be some villain for having boundaries.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

ritan7471 said:

7k for PROM? Why do I believe that she took some and put it in her own pocket? Was her dress couture? Custom made with actual diamonds?

Your sister has definitely been pilfering.

Ok_Top_7535 said:

Save your money for your daughter.

ThatAnteater8868 asked:

How much has she contributed to your daughter’s college fund?

Obse55ive said:

My almost 16 year old daughter's HS has a lot of kids; so many kids there's actually 2 different campuses and each grade has about 2k students each. She hasn't been to prom yet but the last couple of years it's been held in a famous museum downtown and post prom is held on a "cruise' on the lake front. Between the two venues it costs a few hundred dollars for tickets.

Even with expensive venues, hair/nails/makeup dress etc, I can't imagine prom costing more than maybe $1000. Your sister has been taking out the money and spending it on something else.

Amazing-Wave4704 said:

Time for your sister to learn a valuable lesson about FAFO.

Do not contribute ANYTHING to an account she has access to.

Frankly I would withdraw any funds equal to what you have contributed. You can create a separate account over which you have sole control and you can make withdrawals / payments directly to a higher learning facility. But sis doesn't get to TOUCH it EVER.

Maybe give your niece the benefit of the doubt (not that I'm not skeptical...) but NO ONE gets to distribute funds but you.

Silent_Morning692 said:

NTA at all. All the family members who think you should replenish the stolen money can chip in to STFU.

PolkaDotParty1051 said:

Why doesn’t your niece have a job? The only way for kids to become financially literate is for them to be taught. My granddaughter’s dress cost $15 and a dry cleaning bill.

OP responded:

She does, but it had been going towards saving up for an apartment plus some of my sister's bills, and I don't know if that's changed since she found out about the money from her college fund being used for Prom.

WrongCase7532 said:

Where is her dad? Did sister ever file for child support? Not your job continue contributing to niece when you have your own daughter to think of

OP responded:

My niece's father had already passed before she was born.

Jerseygirl2468 said:

NTA Yeah there's no way she spent $7000 on her daughter's prom unless it was like a $6000 designer dress. And if that's the case, she'd better get to selling it.

You've been generous and contributed for your niece, and your sister should be incredibly grateful for that, instead of blowing it and demanding more. If you do anything more going forward, keep the money in your own account, and pay her school or whatever directly. Your sister has proven she can't be trusted. Tell your mom she's free to loan your sister $2000, since family sticks together and all.