'AITA for for telling my sister she needs to speak to her daughter and can't keep ignoring the problem?'
"AITA for for telling my sister she needs to speak to her daughter and can't keep ignoring the problem?"
Both-Dot-5706
Please tell me if I was wrong! So my sister has a blended family. Her daughter (7) is from her ex. Her husband has two kids, a son (14) and daughter (12). My sister has been married to her husband for 6 years.
They met while she was pregnant and didn't start dating for several months. But from beginning a romantic relationship to marriage took about 6 months. And my sister's step kids knew her and my niece for less time than that. So I think that has played a role in some of the problems.
My sister and her husband have sole custody of their children, which means they have grown up together and my niece doesn't know life without them. But my sister's stepkids do not consider my sister or niece family and they have vocalized that stepfamily is not real family in their eyes.
My niece never knew they felt this way until she heard them both say it within a couple of days. She has picked up on the fact they leave her out a lot but accepted the age gap being the reason.
However hearing that they don't think of her as real family or stepfamilies as real family has upset her. Added to that, they apparently sounded like it was a really bad thing if anyone thought she was their real family and that was so upsetting for her.
My sister has told me before she does not want me feeding into the idea that this is set in stone from her stepkids. She doesn't want her daughter too know that there are people in the world who feel that way and stay that way.
All she wants is her daughter to believe this will change and to keep loving them. I told my sister before that my niece is being set up for heartache but she doesn't believe so. And she is very firm about what family tells my niece.
Because of this, when my niece told me about the stuff her stepsiblings said and wanted to know why, and cried on my shoulder and sought my cuddles, I knew I couldn't say anything or my sister might limit contact.
But I know this can't continue. So, I went and spoke to my sister and I told her clearly that she needs to talk to her daughter and she can't keep ignoring the problem because she's hurting and confused and it will do more harm for her to be left with questions and potentially doubting herself.
I told her my niece doesn't deserve that. My sister told me to mind my own gosh darn business and told me I didn't have the right to tell her how to be a mom. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
WEM-2022
Your sister’s take is not practical and is doing incredible harm to her daughter. Maybe she is trying not to rock the boat with her husband. She cannot be so naive! Step relationships cannot be forced.
The situation isn’t your niece’s fault but it isn’t the other kid’s fault either. It sucks for all of them. And although the relationships cannot be forced, there should still be rules of common courtesy, communicated by the parents and enforced as necessary.
Such as - we all have to live here with each other and there will be NO making any one feel like an outsider or a leper or there will be consequences. There is nothing you can do to make that happen. It has to be the parents’ joint and united decision to act on it.
thepatriot74
NTA, you said what had to be said. The stepbro is 14, most likely he will not change his mind and his sis will likely follow his lead. Your sis is delusional and most likely will not budge until it is too late. So all you can do is try to be a good uncle and support your niece the best you can without fully alienating anybody.
Recent-Necessary-362
NTA she’s going to wonder in a few years why her daughter is having an emotional breakdown and it’s going to be her fault. You can’t lie to kids, they know. They pick up on stuff and hear it just as we do.
Your sister is going to destroy her daughter. Trust me, I was in her shoes. My mother had married my stepdad and they had 2 kids. I was older and thought we were always siblings, but they made it loud and clear I was absolutely nothing to them.
This destroyed me. We haven’t spoken in years and I hate my mother and them for what’s happened. She fed into the “ignore the obvious problems” and pretend that everything is fine. All you can do right now is be there for your niece. You’ll be her safe place.
MissNikiL
It's really unfortunate that your sister is intent on pretending they're a happy family when your niece is obviously hurting so much. Unfortunately telling someone the need to do something- especially when it comes to parenting.
I know it's frustrating. I know your heart is breaking for your niece. But your sister isn't going to change her mind. You're NTA because your heart was in the right place. But all you can do from here is be a safe place for your niece.
-IceFlower-
NTA in a few years we will read about the situation from the stepkids' point of view. Maybe it will simply be an "AITA for expressing my feelings to stepmom" maybe it will be worse, like "AITA for cutting of my father's family due to them all being delusional".
Or "Why do my siblings hate me?" 10 comments in, people will realise that they're the "only" stepsiblings, and that the parents sucked at blending their families. Cause that's what's happening here.
And one of the common factors is behaviour like the one your sister is showing. Kids don't like having their feelings ignored. An initially disliked but understanding stepmom may see her stepkids long-term, the one that forces "family" gets no wedding invitation.