I (32f) have been lower contact with my sister, Jade (33f), for almost three years now. I have fertility issues and have been unable to conceive naturally or with fertility medication. When Jade was pregnant with her third child I had ended my time on a fertility medication.
At that time I was upset to be at the end of another option in my fertility journey. Jade sent me a text a couple of days after I finished and bluntly asked me if I was pregnant yet.
The text came from nowhere and the tone felt very harsh. But we had been close so I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and I told her unfortunately no, but it wasn't the end.
She came over to my house later that day and told me she was pregnant again (her third child) and that I should quit making a big deal out of having kids and just be grateful that I get to spend time with her kids.
She said she had been ready to announce her pregnancy the day I had ended my time on the fertility medication and then mom goes and asks me about it in the family group chat which is for the two of us and our parents.
I told her I had no idea and if she had wanted to announce I wouldn't have blamed her. She said I might not have but everyone would have thought she was selfish and insensitive. She told me I should just accept I'm meant to be a babysitter, not a mother. She told me to feel lucky for what I had and embrace it and I could be useful to her more.
My husband and I babysat a lot for Jade and her husband. I was also her second birthing partner for her first two kids because her husband isn't the best in medical situations.
It did hurt me to hear Jade talk like that. But I didn't want to think the worst of her and I asked her if she was okay, if anything was wrong and she made it so clear that she really didn't care about me and saw me as a useful tool (babysitter) instead of a person who had her own stuff going on. She even told me she was glad it had failed because I could give up and focus on her kids.
At that point I pulled way back and we're no longer close in any kind of way. Jade was surprised at first and then she told me I was just selfish and trying to be something that I wasn't meant to be, meaning a mom.
My parents were upset with what Jade had said and they asked her to apologize to me but she never has. She defended her stance and said I could be of better use. When our parents told her it was so wrong to talk to me like that she said it's fine and I was never that great of a babysitter anyway and they're better off without me.
My husband and I are still trying to get me pregnant. But we're also focusing on staying mentally healthy through it all and I prioritized therapy for a while after the breakdown in my relationship with Jade.
A few days ago Jade texted me and asked me to babysit her four kids. Two were in school so I'd need to pick them up after school and the other two I was supposed to have all day.
She said she had some kind of doctors appointment and our parents said no. I replied with a simple no. She texted back that I needed to do this and she couldn't bring her kids to the hospital with her.
I shared my previous response of no and left it there. She told me I needed to effing step up and she had to reschedule a few times already because she has the kids so much and she needed to go and couldn't have them with her.
Where I might be TA is I sent a longer reply this time and I told her she should feel lucky to have her kids and be grateful she has all that time with them. Using her own words against her after three years.
Jade went nuts after that but I ignored every text and didn't read most of them. But she told me it wasn't the time and a hospital appointment is a big deal. AITA?
NTA. Jade can pound sand.
I am petty and an AH and here is what OP should do:
Refuse to babysit for the next 12 months and let Jade enjoy the full benefits of parenthood. Also I love how OP simply replied: NO. Such a complete answer. NTA OP.
NTA. She’s not been very empathetic or considerate towards you during your fertility struggles, has belittled and insulted you, undermined you yet is still expecting you to bend over backwards for her when it comes to babysitting duties.
You don’t owe her anything, and you deserve to focus on yourself and starting a family. Stick to your boundaries he don’t allow your mother or any one else to guilt you into doing things you don’t want to do. Plus, if you were never that good of a babysitter anyway then she should find someone who is!
JumpFeisty225 (OP)
I wanted to say that to her actually. But then I also knew I shouldn't engage too much either because she already had my answer.
Good for you OP. Do yourself a favor and just block her. I feel sorry for your nieces and nephews growing up with a mother like her. Best of luck on your fertility journey. NTA.
JumpFeisty225n (OP)
It's something I'm considering after this. The fact she reaches out to me directly for the first time in years and it's to ask for more free babysitting. It tells me there's no room for growth and change and I could be better off blocking her. There's some guilt about it on my end that I'll bring up with my therapist.
NTA- She should not have had children if she did not want the responsibility of being a parent. It is not on you to be a nanny at her every whim. She needs to step up and find care for her children, you have your own life.
NTA. Jade sounds incredibly self-centered and dismissive of your feelings and boundaries. The fact that she told you to “feel lucky” to be around her kids, dismissed your struggles with infertility, and treated you like a babysitting service is deeply hurtful and disrespectful.
Her hospital appointment might be important, but that doesn’t erase the years of hurt she caused or entitle her to your time and help, especially when she’s repeatedly shown she doesn’t value you beyond what you can do for her. Stick to your boundaries. You’re doing the right thing.