'AITA for upsetting my sister by making a comment about her husband's parenting?' UPDATED

"AITA? My sister (31) got upset with me (F27) for a comment I made about her husband."

My sister recently became a new mom, and she's been married for almost two years. We have a good relationship as siblings and friends, and I also get along well with her husband, despite not knowing him too well.

One morning, my sister and I were playing with her son on my bed, and I noticed how calm he became when she hugged him. We had a lighthearted conversation about cuddling, where she mentioned her husband's concern about cuddling the baby too much would make him soft. I expressed my belief that cuddles make kids feel secure and happy and to not let her husband dictate cuddle rules.

However, my sister unexpectedly snapped at me, feeling that I had insinuated something negative about her husband. I was taken aback because I thought we were having some banter. I knew her husband wasn’t serious about his comment! She then said she wishes she hadn’t discussed the topic with me.

This is the third time she’s snapped at me during her visit for context. I normally apologise but this time I could tell she was triggered by my words and told me off?

I decided to take some time alone to think things through. Later, my sister confronted me about crossing a boundary by making that comment. I explained that I never intended to insult her husband or be rude, but rather, I wanted my nephew to feel loved. However, she insisted that I had crossed a line and accused me of not respecting other people's boundaries while enforcing my own.

She went as far as saying “you have no right to tell me what to do”. This made me so angry so in order to regain composure I simply said okay and asked her to leave my room.

Our conversation ended abruptly, and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. The next day, I offered her a cup of coffee as a peace offering, as I believed she had misunderstood my intentions and reacted strongly.

However, she expressed discomfort being at our house and left to house sit for a relative which made my mom cry. I don't believe my comment was that offensive, and it seems like the situation has been blown out of proportion. I'm unsure if I am the one at fault here. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Traveling-Techie said:

The “making them soft” comment was a yellow flag, but her reaction to you is a red flag. Abuse? Unfortunately you have no power here. Do what you can to maintain the communication channel — she may suddenly need you later. NTA

OP responded:

No abuse. She's an excellent mother and I think her husband is a sweetheart. I agree. I can't really do anything without grovelling and I don't want to apologise to her every single time she gets her knickers in a twist.

DatguyMalcolm said:

I think she reacted defensively because she's projecting what she feels about her husband's ideas regarding cuddling and maybe some more stuff! NTA, give yourself some space from her. She has some issues to deal with her husband and she shouldn't be taking it out on you

[deleted] said:

NTA. Your sister has chosen a weird hill to die on. You both were having a conversation, you expressed your views and sister blew it out of proportion.

CharmingCarmilla said:

NTA. She spoke about her husband's view for a reason but then shut you down as though you'd criticised him. There's definitely something going on there in their family unit that's not very balanced. Maybe there's more to reveal there.

CaliforniaWeedEagle said:

NTA. Could your sister be experiencing postpartum depression? And likely sleep deprived. That’s where my mind went while reading. Not a free pass to treat people poorly but I’m curious if it explains the weird over-reaction?

OP responded:

Maybe, thank you for pointing this out. She had the baby almost 8 months ago. I'm going to do some research to see what I can do. I feel like I should give her space right now though.

ElderberryOwn666 said:

NTA . The cuddling thing is clearly a sensitive topic between her and her husband. She probably wants her husband to be more affectionate with her son, and has concerns about it.

BeginningAccording96 said:

NTA... red flags all over...."I think thous does protest too much". Don't default to "sorry"... ask exactly how it is offensive ? What does she think you are insinuating. Demand she apologize for snaoping at you for talking about hugs and cuddles for her son.

She later shared this update:

I messaged her and apologised again. I know some of you advised me not to do that but I didn’t want to fall out over something as small as this. I also commented on her being a good mum and that I proud her and her husband have done such a great job which I honestly believe is true. My nephew is such a smiley baby.

She mentioned that she didn’t like that I talked about her parenting style and that her husband can do whatever he wants which made me roll my eyes not going to lie…I personally feel that is a slippery slope but it’s not my marriage.

She added that at times my tone can come off very sh!tty and that I should watch how I say things to people. I do think she’s on to something there, I have been told by a few people before the way I say things makes them feel some type of way. I asked my mum about it and she said I project my voice and I’m quick witted.

I know why I am like that but I guess I need to monitor how I talk to people as I’ve had this feedback a few times. I did kind of regret apologising again because I felt she was being a little self-righteous about it.

She said that I should spend some time talking to other people in my family about their boundaries and get to know them because I’ve just moved back home and I have been away for a while. This way I could avoid this happening again.

I do think all of this happened because she is hormonal, exhausted and is sensitive. I don’t really know what to make of the comments on my personality other than just be a bit more self aware. I’m trying to keep my ego in check here but damn it’s hard.

She did add that she thinks I have the best intentions and she loves me. For added context my older brother who also lives at home does not get a long with her. They don’t acknowledge each other in the house at all which is toxic af. My brother will only come and hold my nephew when my sister has gone to shower or make his food or something.

And as soon as she returns he’ll hand the baby back to me and walk away. My sister expressed that she found this to be unacceptable because her son is at a stage where he is learning social cues and picking up on vibes. She doesn’t want him to be exposed to that kind of vibe.

This part of the reason why she left the house. I got to say I wholeheartedly agree with her on this one. I don’t know much about babies but protecting her son from bad vibes is definitely a green flag in my book. Kids are impressionable. Unfortunately, she’s said she won’t be coming back to visit for a while and if she does it will be for a much shorter period of time but she’s not sure yet.

I haven’t replied yet as I’m still working out how I feel about what she said. I’m not mad or hurt though and I understand where she is coming from. She has given me a lot to think about but it’s just A LOT.

Thank you all for your thoughtful, insightful comments. I appreciate it because I have never really asked for second opinion on my relationship with my sister and I can see now there are some massive issues that need to be resolved.

I do think some of y’all are maybe jumping to the worst case scenario a little too eagerly e.g. abuse. However, I will keep it in mind and look out for signs. I do think my nephew is safe and in good hands.