'My sister is upset I babysit my friends' baby over her nightmare kid.' AITA? UPDATED 3X
"My sister is upset I babysit my friends' baby over her nightmare kid. How can I get my family to understand that her kid is a nightmare?"
I'm a 23 year old childfree woman (idk if this is needed for the story), and my sister is 30 with a 4 year old son. She's a single mom, ex-husband is not in the picture and has no contact with her or the kid. I'm gonna get straight to the point, that kid is a nightmare to be around. It's not his fault, it's my sister's fault.
He very clearly has behavioral and mental health disorders, even at his young age. However, my sister was and is very ablest and refuses to accept that her son has problems. The kid screams bloody murder whenever something doesn't slightly go his way, screams and cries when he's overwhelmed, has meltdowns to certain sounds and textures.
Like I said, I don't blame the kid for these issues, but my sister refusing to get him treatment or help makes the kid a nightmare to be around. So, as a result I don't babysit the kid when my sister asks (more like demands) I do so. This causes a lot of fights between us and our family.
I have a friend, 23 M, who's married to a wonderful lady age 22 and they have a baby boy together who just turned 1. Yes they got married and had him young, but it's not my place to judge them.
This past weekend they asked me to babysit for them, and I agreed for a few reasons. Their kid is calm, well behaved, and a general good kid/toddler/baby to be around. I love babysitting him.
Also, they asked me nicely and understood that I might say no because I'm childfree. They were polite about their request. A thing about me is that if you ask me to do something politely, even if it's something I wouldn't usually agree to, I'd probably do it because you were nice and polite.
So for these reasons, I happily agreed to babysit the boy. My sister also asked me to babysit her son that day so she could have a day to herself, and I refused and told her I was already babysitting for my friends. She was pissed, to say the least. She said a few comments about how I was an ass and not a good sister, but I thought she dropped it after that.
This past weekend, while I was watching the baby, my sister started banging on my door. I looked through the window and saw that she had her kid and a care bag with her, and I knew she was trying to drop him off and make me babysit.
She was banging on the door, yelling at me and calling me heartless and a baby hater (while I was holding a baby, ironic) and that I better open up and do my sisterly duties. I put the baby in a different room to keep him from getting scared by the noise, and told my sister through the window to leave, or I would call the cops.
She started cursing for a solid five minutes before she finally left. I had the whole thing on my doorbell camera and sent it to the family group chat. Surprisingly, my whole family is on my sister's side.
She keeps arguing with me about how I'd rather babysit a kid not even related to me over my nephew. I reminded her that her kid is a nightmare to be around, but she keeps saying that for family you help out. My sister has been cold since, and keeps sending me text messages to provoke me into arguing with her more.
She's also started saying some pretty ablest and nasty things towards my friend's wife. My friend's wife is on the spectrum and has BPD and my sister keeps saying that she should have been sterilized and never should have passed her issues to her kid (btw, her kid has shown none of the signs that autistic infants usually show so idk what my sister is on).
I will admit that I do feel a bit guilty because I never consider babysitting my nephew, but I jumped at the opportunity to babysit my friend's kid. My sister, dad (66), mom (64) and brother (33) are all calling me an AH and saying that I'm just using the CF label to avoid family responsibility.
I need advice on how to get my family to see my perspective on this. How can I explain to them that the issue isn't the idea of babysitting, but it's the behavior of the kid?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Just ignore your sister maybe even block her. She isn't entitled to you as a babysitter. As for your family, black kettle them, "So when are you babysitting sister kiddo since family should care for family?"
ThrowRAvanillasister (OP)
My brother (33, which I should have mentioned) has a wife and kids so he can't babysit, and my parents are in their early/mid 60s (also probably should have mentioned) and claim to be too old to do so. I'm the youngest and was a "whoops" baby my parents had in their 40s by chance.
Because of my young age and the fact I'm not married and don't have kids, they keep saying I'm the perfect person to babysit because I have "nothing" to do, not even taking into consideration that I have a job and friends of my own.
Stop justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining your No. Do not give excuses like "I'm already babysitting another child." Nobody is owed your time or labor. Simply say, "No, I can't do that," and if they won't accept it, hang up on them. Your sister's neglect of her child's needs is shameful.
One day soon, she will have much, much bigger problems than not being able to find a sitter for him. If she plans to send her child to public school, her neglect will become extremely obvious when he is unable to manage himself and she tells mandated reporters she refuses to get him the help he needs.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
So... it s hit the fan. My original post was about 3 days ago, and ever since that post my sister's behavior escalated. I tried to talk to her about getting help for my nephew, and she kept screaming at me everytime I brought it up. She said a lot of derogatory terms towards people with mental illnesses and mental disabilities, terms I won't repeat here.
That wasn't the only escalation. She was at my door several times a day starting 2 days ago (the day after I made my original post). Banging on my door, screaming, crying, cursing, the works.
She brought my nephew each time and he always looked so confused and defeated. He was too tired to react or meltdown like he normally does around loud noises, and it broke my heart to see that on my doorbell camera.
I wasn't at my house. I was crashing with my friend and his wife. I took the advice of a commenter who said that I should put some physical distance between me and my sister.
They said I was free to stay as long as I wanted as long as I helped out with some house chores and childcare while I stayed, which I thought was more than fair. So I'm staying in their guest room currently. I'm still with them, even though my sister isn't much of a problem.
Many will be glad to know, that my sister won't have parental rights over my nephew soon. She dropped him off at a safe haven site in the middle of the night. (Totally a fun phone call to wake up to at 2 in the morning. 😒)
And my nephew is currently with my parents. Social services placed him with my parents, and he's set to have mandatory therapy. In my state (don't know if it's different in others) if a child is abandoned in anyway, safe haven or not, a physical and mental health examine is done.
Other than being a little bit underweight, my nephew was physically health. He wasn't being physically abused like a few people were worried. But it was obvious he needed mental health, so he'll be starting therapy sessions soon, as mandated by a case worker.
We are not looking for my sister. After she dropped her son off, she left. She had quit her job a few weeks back, sold her car, and even her house a few weeks ago and had been renting a place, so this was planned. In my personal opinion, she planned to abandon her son the day I was babysitting my friend's baby, which is why she had such a nuclear reaction.
She did leave a note, saying she can't do it anymore, she met someone, and that she doesn't want to be a mom to my nephew anymore. In her note she said she deserves a normal kid, and not a burden like my nephew.
I seriously hope that my sister doesn't have anymore kids with this mystery person she's referencing, but it seems like she's running off to start a new life and family. She still has 30 days to reclaim rights over my nephew, but it doesn't look like she'll do that. Time will tell.
Like I said, I'm still with my friends because I was worried my sister would do something. My parents and brother have also been blowing up my phone and coming to my house, switching between apologies and blaming me for this.
They think that maybe if I babysat that day, she wouldn't have done this, but I think she wanted me to babysit so she could do this. I'm not mad at them for blaming me, I understand that my sister is still their family and they're rightfully in shock and want someone to blame. They're human, and I know humans can be cruel sometimes while going through shock and grief.
So, yeah, that's life right now. I'm currently sitting on the couch with my friend's baby while my friend is at work and his wife does a quick grocery run. She was going to take the baby, but I insisted on watching him so she didn't have to hassle with the car seat in the very stormy weather we have in our area right now.
This update is all over the place, I feel like I'm rambling. There's still a lot of unknown stuff regarding my sister and nephew, but for now this is the update. I don't know if I'll post more regarding this situation. My friend's wife is telling me I should relax and just not think about anything relating to this until I'm more level headed, but I don't think that's possible.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Understand exactly why your brother and parents tried to shame you into babysitting: As long as you manage your sister and help her with her kid, she's out of their hair. You're the human shield, OP.
Families go to great lengths to not deal with the giant squid in the kitchen.
At least your nephew will get the help he needs now.
Eleven days later, the OP returned with another update.
My sister abandoned her 5 year old son a little less than 2 weeks ago and fled. Police are looking for her, but she hasn't been found yet. My nephew is with my parents and is in therapy.
When that firsf happened, my parents were quick to blame me because I had refused to babysit the kid in the past and the weekend before my sister ultimately abandoned him. They think had I babysat him that day, she wouldn't have fled.
I've been staying with my friends since then. And... Oh my god it's chill here. They're young parents with a baby, and yet it's chill here. Everyone is happy, they talk things out when there issues, they work together.
I've met both parents of my friends, and they're nice and polite. Obviously I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but I have seen some bickering and they always find a way to resolve it.
Growing up, my parents always argued a lot, my siblings were always loud and cruel to each other at times, and there always had to be someone to blame. If you were the person who was blamed, you were insulted and shunned for a while, then they would apologize. You were always expected to forgive and forget.
My parents are trying to apologize to me about their blowout at me regarding my sister, and I can understand their initial feelings. I'm willing to forgive, but I know my family will also expect me to forget, but I can't forget. I don't think I can forget this whole situation. So I'm wondering if I would be the AH if I chose to forgive them, but refused to forget this whole thing?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Your sister chose to have a child. They should have babysat him if they thought it wasn't her duty to take care of him (it was her duty of course). Your parents are nutcases. I wouldn't forgive them so easily, even if for the fact that they will do something like this again in the future if you let it slide too easily.
Say you need time to forgive and you don't want them to contact you for a while. If they get nasty over that, say that they clearly are not truly apologetic and that you now need even more time away from them. AND STICK TO IT.
NTA. They were upset and you were the outlet. Sounds like they don’t process things in a healthy way and there’s no indication that it’ll go away. It’s your sign to be cautious.
Dude. Your parents are looking for a free babysitter. Don't get sucked back in. Tell them that you don't exist to lay blame on. And to try to raise this kid better than they raised her mother.
Eight and a half months later, the OP returned with another update.
I'm about done with this whole BS and ready to just completely cut contact with my family after this whole mess. My sister got arrested a few months ago on several charges, including child endangerment/abandonment and drug charges.
She's been court ordered to go to an inpatient rehab, but our state doesn't pay for it which means that she has to pay for it. She does not have a job, and has little/no savings after burning through them on some drug bender.
I work remotely and have a pretty decent income for my field and area. My parents are saying that I need to pitch in and help pay for the rehab, because they and my brother and his wife are also paying a portion and if I contribute then they won't need to pay as much because it will be split 5 ways instead of 4.
Here's where I think I am definitely the AH, I asked my parents for the exact amount they want me to contribute. It was a fairly decent amount, I could afford it but I was feeling petty after everything with my sister.
My best friend recently had her second baby (YAY!) and I decided to take the exact amount my parents requested from me and spent it on getting my friend some extra baby supplies (toys, decorations, clothes) and a few early mother's day gifts.
When my mom texted me and asked for the money I sent a picture of my shopping spree for my friend and said I had already spent the money on a proper mom. She called me an AH and said I could have just said no and not give them hope I would pay. So, Reddit, am I the AH? (I think I am but I feel justified)
Edit: Title might be confusing, I told them I had the money, then after they got their hopes up I said I didn't have it anymore because I spent it one someone else. Sorry for the confusion.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA for not giving the money. YTA for lying and then mocking.
She needs to just cut her family off. They clearly think because she has no children of her own that her time and money belong to the family instead of her. Even though she made it clear she doesn't want to babysit this kid ever, I bet her parents are going to try to get her to do it for them, because the kid sounds like a nightmare.
I got about halfway through the first post before going OH SNAP THIS IS THE ONE WHERE THE SISTER ABANDONED HER SON. Not at all surprised they caught her and slapped on charges. The money thing was... very petty, and is probably just more proof she should go fully NC.