'AITA for skipping my brother's wedding?' 'I wasn't invited to the engagement party.'

"AITA for skipping my brother's wedding because I wasn't invited to the engagement party?"

I (28m) have a twin brother. Growing up, we were inseparable and until recently I thought we were still very close. I was always more of a shy nerd and he was an extrovert that played sports throughout our childhood and high school, but we spent almost all of our time together, by choice.

We went our separate ways when college came. He stayed local in Arizona and I went to college in Portland. When I graduated, I stayed there because I fell in love with the city, my friends are here, my professional networks from internships were here, etc. But I always flew back home for holidays, events, birthdays, etc.

My brother announced on instagram that he and his girlfriend of 3 years got engaged. I was incredibly happy for him and texted him congrats. He mentioned they were planning to have an engagement party in 6-8 weeks and I told him to let me know so I can book a flight to come celebrate.

I was never told a date. If I brought it up with him or anyone in my family, they'd change the subject or say it's still being planned and confirmed. After a few weeks I texted my brother to ask about the date because it must be getting close and I don't want to pay for a last minute flight.

No response. I asked my mom for details and she said, "It's not really an engagement party, just a small dinner with family. There's no need to come down for it." I eventually found out that it was, in fact, a big party. They rented out an entire restaurant for 4 hours and there were about 80 guests: family, friends, cousins, everyone.

Everyone was told I couldn't make it. My aunt, who was like a second mother to me, texted me that she was very disappointed I couldn't make time to join and I replied that I would have happily come, but I was not invited. Word spread quickly about my snub and my parents and brother tried to say it was just a misunderstanding.

That was almost over a year ago. Since then I've tried to get to the bottom of why I wasn't invited. Over the course of months it went from, "It was just meant to be a small gathering," to "I don't know what happened, there must have been a miscommunication," to "It's just a party. It's no big deal."

I asked my brother if he was mad at me, I thought maybe his fiance didn't like me. Even if she or he didn't want me there, why were my parents ok with this? This really wasn't like them.

Christmas and Easter was awkward as hell because no one but me wanted to address the elephant in the room and any conversation about anything was like small talk with strangers. When I visited in May for my sister's birthday, I left early after my sister said, "You moved so far away. It's like you're not really family anymore. You make everything feel so weird now."

Nine months ago I got the Save the Date announcement and 6 months ago I got the invitation to the wedding. I wasn't asked to be in the wedding party, which is fine and wasn't surprising at the point.

My sister and younger brother were asked to be in the wedding party, so another snub. I also didn't get a +1 for my girlfriend I've been seeing for almost a year and a half. My sister, however, got a +1 for her FWB.

So I decided I wasn't welcome and I was probably only invited for optics and to play happy family. I didn't RSVP no since I knew that would cause a crapshow, I just didn't go. The wedding was this past weekend. No one contacted me about missing the rehearsal dinner, so I guess even if I did go, I wasn't invited to that either or expected to be there.

I started getting calls and texts about an hour before the ceremony asking where I was, if my flight was delayed, how far along I will be, etc, and I ignored them. They stopped for a while during the ceremony but started up again right after.

I finally picked up my mom's call and she screamed, "Where the heck are you?" I replied, "In Portland, where you all prefer me to be." She said, "This is your brother's wedding, how could you embarrass us?" I answered, "It's just a party. It's no big deal, right?"

It was probably the first time in my life my mother was speechless. After a few seconds of silence, I said, "Tell everyone I said hi," and I hung up. Now I'm getting calls and texts from everyone saying I was being petty and ruined the day. So am I the AH here? I feel like I'm just matching their energy and dropping the rope.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

GroovyYaYa said:

I'd ask "if I have the power to ruin the day - why didn't you call when I missed the rehearsal dinner? If I was so important, why didn't anyone call me in the weeks beforehand to find out why I hadn't RSVP'd? To find out my flight plans? Mom, you didn't notice that I wasn't in the guest bedroom the night before?

I suspect that it "ruined the day" because OTHERS remembered my existence and wanted to see me more than you all did. It has been clear from the get go that I was not welcome and that my being there would ruin things.

I wasn't invited to any of the pre-wedding festivities and sister said it was weird when I WAS there. My girlfriend of over a year wasn't welcome at all - so I stayed home with her. She LIKES having me around."

PowerfulStrike5664 said:

NTA - I believe your sister gave you a big clue of what your family is thinking.

123__LGB said:

NTA. I’d stop going to holidays going forward too.

Literal_Cheesehead12 said:

NTA. Could you have maybe RSVP'd no? Sure, but 6 months went by from the time the invitations went out to the wedding, and you didn't RSVP yes, either, and nobody bothered to reach out to make sure you were coming?

Or ask what dish you wanted? See if you needed to stay at home or if you were getting a hotel? Just complete radio silence and somehow they think you're the bad guy?

Nah, you just got a crash course in how narcissistic your family is. They assumed they could treat you like crap and tell you aren't really a part of the family anymore but you'd still show up to "not embarrass them." Divorce the family, marry Portland.

Leather_Bag5939 said:

Wow...makes my blood boil reading this. PLENTY of people relocate and aren't cut out of their families as a result. This is some high level bullshit going on. I'm so sorry for you and I hope your gf has a great family!

thecathugger said:

NTA, but why couldn’t your brother just tell you what was going on? If you had said or done something that hurt him, why didn’t he at least let you know? And why is your whole family backing him up?

Do you have different political views than they do? Did you ever bully your brother? Do you owe him money? Are they really that upset that you moved out of state that they’re willing to destroy any relationship with you? It’s all so weird.