'AITA for skipping my brother's wedding?' 'I wasn't invited to the engagement party.' UPDATED

"AITA for skipping my brother's wedding because I wasn't invited to the engagement party?"

I (28m) have a twin brother. Growing up, we were inseparable and until recently I thought we were still very close. I was always more of a shy nerd and he was an extrovert that played sports throughout our childhood and high school, but we spent almost all of our time together, by choice.

We went our separate ways when college came. He stayed local in Arizona and I went to college in Portland. When I graduated, I stayed there because I fell in love with the city, my friends are here, my professional networks from internships were here, etc. But I always flew back home for holidays, events, birthdays, etc.

My brother announced on instagram that he and his girlfriend of 3 years got engaged. I was incredibly happy for him and texted him congrats. He mentioned they were planning to have an engagement party in 6-8 weeks and I told him to let me know so I can book a flight to come celebrate.

I was never told a date. If I brought it up with him or anyone in my family, they'd change the subject or say it's still being planned and confirmed. After a few weeks I texted my brother to ask about the date because it must be getting close and I don't want to pay for a last minute flight.

No response. I asked my mom for details and she said, "It's not really an engagement party, just a small dinner with family. There's no need to come down for it." I eventually found out that it was, in fact, a big party. They rented out an entire restaurant for 4 hours and there were about 80 guests: family, friends, cousins, everyone.

Everyone was told I couldn't make it. My aunt, who was like a second mother to me, texted me that she was very disappointed I couldn't make time to join and I replied that I would have happily come, but I was not invited. Word spread quickly about my snub and my parents and brother tried to say it was just a misunderstanding.

That was almost over a year ago. Since then I've tried to get to the bottom of why I wasn't invited. Over the course of months it went from, "It was just meant to be a small gathering," to "I don't know what happened, there must have been a miscommunication," to "It's just a party. It's no big deal."

I asked my brother if he was mad at me, I thought maybe his fiance didn't like me. Even if she or he didn't want me there, why were my parents ok with this? This really wasn't like them.

Christmas and Easter was awkward as hell because no one but me wanted to address the elephant in the room and any conversation about anything was like small talk with strangers. When I visited in May for my sister's birthday, I left early after my sister said, "You moved so far away. It's like you're not really family anymore. You make everything feel so weird now."

Nine months ago I got the Save the Date announcement and 6 months ago I got the invitation to the wedding. I wasn't asked to be in the wedding party, which is fine and wasn't surprising at the point.

My sister and younger brother were asked to be in the wedding party, so another snub. I also didn't get a +1 for my girlfriend I've been seeing for almost a year and a half. My sister, however, got a +1 for her FWB.

So I decided I wasn't welcome and I was probably only invited for optics and to play happy family. I didn't RSVP no since I knew that would cause a crapshow, I just didn't go. The wedding was this past weekend. No one contacted me about missing the rehearsal dinner, so I guess even if I did go, I wasn't invited to that either or expected to be there.

I started getting calls and texts about an hour before the ceremony asking where I was, if my flight was delayed, how far along I will be, etc, and I ignored them. They stopped for a while during the ceremony but started up again right after.

I finally picked up my mom's call and she screamed, "Where the heck are you?" I replied, "In Portland, where you all prefer me to be." She said, "This is your brother's wedding, how could you embarrass us?" I answered, "It's just a party. It's no big deal, right?"

It was probably the first time in my life my mother was speechless. After a few seconds of silence, I said, "Tell everyone I said hi," and I hung up. Now I'm getting calls and texts from everyone saying I was being petty and ruined the day. So am I the AH here? I feel like I'm just matching their energy and dropping the rope.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

GroovyYaYa said:

I'd ask "if I have the power to ruin the day - why didn't you call when I missed the rehearsal dinner? If I was so important, why didn't anyone call me in the weeks beforehand to find out why I hadn't RSVP'd? To find out my flight plans? Mom, you didn't notice that I wasn't in the guest bedroom the night before?

I suspect that it "ruined the day" because OTHERS remembered my existence and wanted to see me more than you all did. It has been clear from the get go that I was not welcome and that my being there would ruin things.

I wasn't invited to any of the pre-wedding festivities and sister said it was weird when I WAS there. My girlfriend of over a year wasn't welcome at all - so I stayed home with her. She LIKES having me around."

PowerfulStrike5664 said:

NTA - I believe your sister gave you a big clue of what your family is thinking.

123__LGB said:

NTA. I’d stop going to holidays going forward too.

Literal_Cheesehead12 said:

NTA. Could you have maybe RSVP'd no? Sure, but 6 months went by from the time the invitations went out to the wedding, and you didn't RSVP yes, either, and nobody bothered to reach out to make sure you were coming?

Or ask what dish you wanted? See if you needed to stay at home or if you were getting a hotel? Just complete radio silence and somehow they think you're the bad guy?

Nah, you just got a crash course in how narcissistic your family is. They assumed they could treat you like crap and tell you aren't really a part of the family anymore but you'd still show up to "not embarrass them." Divorce the family, marry Portland.

Leather_Bag5939 said:

Wow...makes my blood boil reading this. PLENTY of people relocate and aren't cut out of their families as a result. This is some high level BS going on. I'm so sorry for you and I hope your gf has a great family!

thecathugger said:

NTA, but why couldn’t your brother just tell you what was going on? If you had said or done something that hurt him, why didn’t he at least let you know? And why is your whole family backing him up?

Do you have different political views than they do? Did you ever bully your brother? Do you owe him money? Are they really that upset that you moved out of state that they’re willing to destroy any relationship with you? It’s all so weird.

UPDATE:

Thank you to everyone who responded to my last post. I can't believe how many replies it got and I tried keeping up, but couldn't. I also thought it'd be 50/50 NTA and YTA, because I know what I did was a bit petty.

For those who didn't read my last post, the thick of it is that I was specifically not invited to my twin's engagement party, specifically not included in the wedding party, and I chose not to attend after being iced out for the past year.

To the people who said YTA, I understand your reasons. Yes, it was cowardly to not RSVP to avoid drama, but looking back I was in a head space where I'd just cave to the guilt if I RSVP'ed that I wasn't planning to attend.

Also, a little part of me was hoping they'd realize I didn't RSVP and they tell me they want me to come. But every day that passed between the RSVP date and the wedding I got angrier and more hurt and I wanted to make it clear in a big way that if they don't want me around I don't have to be around. And I get that's an AH move.

I had a long phone call with my aunt and cousin last night about the wedding drama. They have given me some more info and our suspicions are a bit of conjecture based on what we know and what we've heard, but here it goes.

We really do think my mother felt I rejected them when I didn't move back after graduating. This is despite always coming home for my brother and sister's graduations, all birthdays (mine and immediate family's), holidays, special events, etc.

I practically visit on a monthly basis. But despite this, we think that she has some weird vendetta against me for splitting up her family and being an example to my siblings that they don't have to stay local.

Even worse, somehow visiting so often made my mother resentful because my aunt mentioned that my mother once told her a few years ago that I was "flaunting" my wealth by showing I could visit so often.

Thanks to my senior-year internship, I went immediately into a field where progression can be quick and thanks to going back for a very specialized master's degree, I am in a very niche space within that field and was able to move up faster. I'm not bragging, it was just luck, connections, and a great mentor early on.

People suggested my brother might be jealous. He does earn less, but as far as I know he loves his job. It just doesn't have the same career progression. Honestly, his job is much more exciting than mine and I'm sure it fulfills him a lot more. My job isn't terrible, it's just not one anyone wants to hear work stories about at a dinner party, LOL.

I was also flaunting my money by gifting family money when they needed it. My grandfather often said, "Never loan family money. Give it freely if you want to, but you'll destroy relationships when you start asking for repayment." Not a week of Judge Judy reruns goes by without proving that true.

So when I could, I gifted my family money when they needed it. Money for car repairs, money to help with my parents' mortgage when my dad was out of work during covid, money when my brother ran out halfway through his kitchen renovations.

And until last night, my parents' internet and Disney+ bills, but I've now cancelled the monthly autopayments. Again, this was me flaunting my success. But they never stopped asking, either.

My aunt and cousin also said they've heard lots of passive-aggressive comments about me over the years. First from my mother during the first few years after I decided to stay in Portland and then eventually from my siblings. We're pretty sure my mother slowly poisoned them against me for not moving back home and showing what happens if they ever tried to move away.

Someone said this about my mother meeting my girlfriend in my previous post: TBH, given the context of everything else that's happened, what your mother said here about "finally finding someone who can put up with you" sounds less like a tongue-in-cheek joke and more like a not-so-subtle barb.

I see it now. I laughed it off as just my mom's humor, but I now also see that these passive-aggressive comments to me, to my siblings, over years was subtle manipulation to turn them against me and for me to learn to accept it.

A lot of people suggested this treatment was to get me to move back home and to punish me for leaving, but I'm not going to come home to embrace treatment like this and hope it goes away now that they got their way. Especially when it's been too engrained in them by now.

It also explains why for the past few years almost every conversation is initiated by me. They simply don't like me anymore and don't need me until they need or want something.

My cousin also learned from another cousin that my brother shot himself in the foot when he mentioned the engagement party. I wasn't supposed to know at all. The plan was to tell everyone I couldn't make it and hope I'd never find out. My brother told that cousin that I wasn't supposed to find out about it, but after he let it slip I "wouldn't shut up about asking to come."

Based on how they've been talking about me for a couple of years lots of extended family thinks I'm some annoying loser who makes my too-often visits miserable for my family and I can't get the hint to f off. So I'm finally off.

My aunt and mother never really got along (my aunt is my mother's brother's wife) but my aunt said she knew all of this had my mom's name all over it and that years of digs, passive-aggressive comments, and full on aggressive comments have all come to this. She said they're not the same people.

I told them that I don't think there's any coming back from this, then. My aunt and cousin both mentioned that they never heard my dad say anything bad, so my aunt is going to have my uncle talk to my dad man-to-man to see if he can find out what the hell is going on. I thanked my aunt and cousin and reminded them they are pretty much the only family I have left and I don't plan on losing touch with them.

My aunt even mentioned that they haven't gone camping in years and asked if there are any nice places around Portland. It's too far to drive to go camping, but it means they may visit sometime. They also said they're going to try to correct info about me with extended family members, but I told them to not bother, they've already chosen to believe it.

But for now my immediate family are cut off. I've blocked them on my phone and social media. No more free handouts when they need money. No more wasting money to go to Phoenix Arizona 10+ times a year just to be roasted by the sun and family members. No more punching bag. Thank you all for your support and helping me realize my family really is crappy.

Here's what people had to say to OP about the update:

Shelly_895 said:

I don't understand your mom's endgame here. Sure, she wanted to "punish" you for moving away, but if she wanted you to return, how did she think her treating you badly and turning your family against you would accomplish that?

"My son doesn't want to move home? I'll show him. I'm gonna make him so miserable that he has no choice but to return. That'll teach him." Like, what??? If you miss your child, wouldn't you do everything in your power to make them feel at home every time you see them?

Creepy-Macaroon9998 said:

I figured the reasoning would be what I expected, since your story was similar to my life in many ways. I'll tell you this much: things will get much smoother for you when you get used to it. No more head space being taken up by people who you'd expect to be happy for you, but are really your opps! The best thing you can do is just live your life and be happy.

Short-Comfort-6045 said:

Good for you. You don’t need people in your life that take you for granted and a walking atm. Your mom is definitely an ah for poisoning your family members against you just because you simply didn’t follow their “rules” and became more successful than them.

Far-Season-695 said:

Wow I remember your first post about how your aunt said you all had rose colored glasses regarding your mom. Glad you finally were able to take them off!

No-BS4me said:

OP, sometimes families are just envious, crappy people, and the only thing you can do is let them go and walk away. You have your aunt and cousins in your corner. Sending you wishes for peace and comfort. NTA.

Careless-Image-885 said:

NTA. You are standing up for yourself. You do not have to take abuse from a bunch of bullies. Your mother is a real piece of work. Sorry, not sorry, but she is evil.