"AITA for skipping Christmas over something my sister said?"
I (F, 30s) moved from Colombia to France years ago with my two sisters. Since then, my older sister has placed a lot of importance on family traditions like birthdays and Christmas. For her, family mainly gathers around those events.
I’m not very attached to traditions. I prefer regular, low-key quality time rather than only seeing each other for big family dates. Still, for years, I consistently showed up for family events, even when it was inconvenient for me. I didn’t mind at first because I’m not big on celebrating my own birthdays.
Over time, though, I started feeling the relationship was unbalanced. When I tried to create other kinds of moments or asked my sisters to show up for important things in my life, they often didn’t. One example is my phd thesis defense, which my older sister didn’t attend because she said she was too busy. That really hurt, but I didn’t address it properly at the time.
This year, I decided to set a boundary: I would still attend some family events, but not all of them. I went to my older sister’s birthday and planned to be there for Christmas, but I didn’t want to attend an additional early-December family tradition because I was feeling overwhelmed and needed rest.
When I told my sister this (by text), I was polite and said that traditions can sometimes feel heavy for me, but that I was happy to come for Christmas and help with the organization. She responded by saying that “inconvenience is the price of community” and implied that I wasn’t prioritizing family.
I replied emotionally that this felt like a one-sided definition of community, one where I’m expected to show up consistently without the same effort in return. She got very upset, told me what I said was heartbreaking, listed every favor she’s done for me since I arrived in France in 2009, and then blocked me.
After that, I realized I didn’t feel able to sit at her Christmas dinner pretending everything was fine. Interactions with her have been overwhelming for me lately, and being blocked made it impossible to talk things through. I decided not to attend Christmas and instead spend it with a close friend who has shown up for me consistently during a very difficult year.
I haven’t told my older sister yet, as I wanted to let things cool down before reopening the conversation. I did inform my other sister. I recognize that I resented my sisters for not showing up for me even though I didn’t clearly ask for it at first, and that by the time I did speak up, I already had built-up resentment.
I’ve also been mentally keeping score of what I’ve done versus what they haven’t, which isn’t healthy. That said, I feel like I only asked for my limits to be respected, just as I’ve respected theirs for years. AITA for skipping Christmas after setting these boundaries?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Sophi_9 said:
NTA. Setting boundaries isn’t rejecting family, especially when the effort hasn’t been mutual. You communicated calmly, she escalated and blocked you. It’s reasonable to step back and protect your peace instead of forcing a fake “everything’s fine” Christmas.
virtualghost123 said:
NTA. She says "inconvenience is the price of family", I say "you can't put a flower in an AH and call it a vase". Your sister has zero consideration for your feelings. I wouldn't be going either. Enjoy your holidays. Do what makes your heart happy.
Ell-O-Elling said:
NTA. Relationships, just like respect, are a two way street. Relationships based on obligations are just peer pressure. Also, stop giving explanations. That just gives people an opportunity to negate your reasoning.
Simply say “sorry that doesn’t work for me. I’ll be sad to miss the event, but hopefully I can make the next get together. Let me know how it goes.” Learn to gray rock. Also start speaking up for yourself. Tell your sisters when they disappoint you. They have no problem telling you.
AudgeDean said:
NTA she uninvited you by blocking you. Block her back and be with people who make you feel wanted.
BG3restart said:
NTA. You're entitled to attend or not, as you wish. I have to say though that I don't know anyone who'd attend a PhD thesis defense unless it was for their spouse. It feels like an obligation.
teresajs said:
NTA. Relationships need to go both ways. And you are more than just a prop for your sister's Christmas celebration. Politely tell your sister that you've made other plans for Christmas so won't be attending but that you hope she has a merry Christmas. Then, ignore her if she kicks up a fuss.