'AITA for skipping my best friend's birthday after his GF humiliated mine in public?'

"Am I wrong for skipping my best friend's birthday after his girlfriend humiliated mine in public?"

I’m M34. My best friend "Dan" is turning 35 this weekend and he’s doing a big birthday thing at a bar he rented out, like 30-40 people, coworkers, family, the whole deal. We’ve been friends since college, we’ve done each other’s moves, breakups, job losses, all of it. The problem is his girlfriend (they’ve been together about a year) and my girlfriend (F31) have never really clicked.

My girlfriend is quieter and kind of anxious in big groups, Dan’s girlfriend "Maya" is loud and very sarcastic. I can handle sarcasm, but Maya has this thing where she “jokes” and then acts shocked when people don’t laugh. Last month we all went to a small get-together at Dan’s place. It was supposed to be low key. At some point someone asked my girlfriend what she does for work.

She said she’s in admin at a clinic, and Maya immediately goes, "Ohhh so you’re basically the adult receptionist, cute." My girlfriend did that awkward smile and tried to brush it off. Then Maya kept going, asking if she "plays on her phone all day" and if the doctors "let her talk in meetings".

People laughed in that uncomfortable way where it’s not funny but nobody wants to be the killjoy. My girlfriend went quiet and I could see her face going red. I said, “Alright, thats enough,” and Maya did the whole "Relax, it’s just banter" thing. Dan did not step in. He just laughed and said Maya is "brutally honest" and that my girlfriend should "give it back".

After we left, my girlfriend told me she felt humiliated and stupid. She also said she doesn’t want to be around Maya anymore because it makes her feel like she’s 15 again getting picked on. I texted Dan the next day and said I’m not asking him to dump his girlfriend, but I need him to stop letting her take shots at mine. Dan replied with “you’re being dramatic” and “Maya teases everyone, that’s her love language.”

I told him it’s not love language if the other person looks like they want to disappear. He said he’d "talk to her" but also said my girlfriend is "too sensitive." Since then, Maya has sent my girlfriend a message that was basically “sorry you cant take a joke” with a laughing emoji, which honestly made it worse. So now we get to this birthday party. Dan keeps texting me about how important it is that I’m there.

My girlfriend asked me not to go, not in a controlling way, more like “If you go and act normal, it’ll feel like you’re telling me what happened doesn’t matter.” I kinda agree. At the same time, skipping his 35th is a big statement and I know he’ll frame it like I’m choosing my girlfriend over him.

I told him I’m not coming unless he can promise Maya won’t pull the same crap, and he got mad and said I’m giving him ultimatums on his birthday. Now mutual friends are messaging me that I’m being petty and that I should just show up for a couple hours and keep the peace. AITA for not going?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Ok_Scholar_8487 said:

Well you're not wrong don't worry.. You need to choose your GF That's better choice

OP responded:

Yeah I’m backing my GF, but it’s not “GF vs friend” for me. It’s “do you let your partner get mocked in a room full of people.” If Dan can’t say “cut it out” once, what am I even showing up for?

NotTheBadOne said:

Dude… his response to you was him choosing his girlfriend over you.

So I think you’re in safe territory, staying home and supporting your girlfriend.

OP responded:

Yeah, that’s basically how it feels. I’m not demanding he “pick me”, I’m asking him to not let his GF treat mine like a punchline. If he can’t even say “hey, knock it off” without acting like I’m attacking his relationship, then he already made his choice. I’ll send him a happy bday text and offer to grab coffee another day, but I’m not walking into that room to be the villain for having standards.

LynmerDTW said:

Nope, NTA! When he tells you that you’re choosing your girlfriend over him, point out to him that he’s doing the same thing only in his case he’s thinking with his small head while you’re thinking with your large one. People that enjoy, and she knows exactly what she’s doing, humiliating others are a special kind of a-hole.

OP responded:

Yeah, she knows what she’s doing. The part that bugs me most is Dan acting like I’m “starting drama” when all I asked was basic respect. If he’s choosing to protect her vibe over my GF’s dignity, that’s his choice too.

grayblue_grrl said:

Drop him. He's not a good friend. You are expected to allow you and yours to be humiliated as a party trick to let his gf have fun. Let him spend his birthday ruminating about your "betrayal". You are not wrong. Stay away.

OP responded:

I’m not there yet on “drop him forever”, but yeah, I’m done being the guy who swallows it to keep things smooth. If he wants to date someone who gets laughs by putting people down, cool, but I don’t have to sit there and take it. I’ll do a 1 on 1 talk with him later, and if he still acts like this is normal, then that kinda answers it.