'AITA for skipping my little sister's wedding because I'm not a bridesmaid?'

"WIBTA for skipping my little sister's wedding because I'm her only sister who isn't a bridesmaid?"

Intro - I (31F) am the oldest of 5 sisters, (30F, 27F, *Zoe* 23F, 21F). Other than the usual mild sister antics; teasing, nagging, clothes-stealing and other minor drama, we all grew up very close.

My Background - I joined the military and moved away at 18yo, when sister *Zoe* was only 10yo. While stationed in Florida I had my son, eight years ago, and despite my best and VERY expensive legal efforts have been unable to leave the state/move home to Kentucky until my son turns 18, in ten years.

I try to visit home as often as I can, stay involved in Secret Santa's, birthday's, mother's day, etc. I keep in touch via social media's as well without being the overly annoying big sister.

My 30F sister was the first of us to get married seven years ago, and although the girls under 21 weren't included in some of the more mature bachelorette events, all 4 of us were bridesmaids for my sister and she had 4 additional bridesmaids as well, 8 wedding party pairs in total.

Less than 2 months later, tragedy struck when our devoted dad, husband/love of our mom's life for over 30 years, rock of our family and well-known member of our community died of a sudden first-time heart attack at a healthy 53 years old. No heart disease, healthy weight, no warning.

Passed away thinking he had heartburn on Christmas day. To say this event changed each one of us to a cellular level wouldn't be descriptive enough, we will never be the same.

As the oldest sibling and in a long term relationship of my own, I know just how painful it is to think about planning such a big day while navigating the dad-sized hole in our hearts, knowing he won't be there to walk us down the aisle, calm nerves, dance with us and cry at least once (he was such a crybaby when it came to his girls).

When *Zoe's* boyfriend of 7 years was ready to pop the question, he called each of her sister's in lieu of my dad's presence, to which I excitedly gave my blessing and was thrilled. Last monthm he proposed, *Zoe* sent me pictures and a thank you for any part I'd had in the proposal as she knew he had reached out to me.

I gave my congratulations and fawned over the ring and pictures and shared in her excitement with my mom on Facetime the day afterwards.

Just a couple weeks later, I get a text message -

"Hey *Dana*, I wanted to have a quick chat about something important. When *Carter* and I started planning the wedding party, we had to keep things really small to keep it balanced. He had 5 close friends picked, and I already had 2 people in mind before we finalized the list.

That didn't leave room to include everyone I love and care about - and it was such a tough decision. I hope you know how much you mean to me, and that not being a bridesmaid doesn't change that at all. You're incredibly important to me, and I can't wait to celebrate this day with you. ❤️"

So to clarify, 2 friends + 3(of4) sisters = 5 bridesmaids. I'm a pretty strong person, but I was pretty gutted. I never imagined having my own bridal party with more than 4 bridesmaids and any of my sister's not being included, relationship/closeness at the time aside. If God blesses you with 4 sister's, those are your built-in day-one's unless there's a serious reason or toxicity, at least to me.

I was the strong one for all of them when my dad passed, the only sister with kids/ a nephew that they adore, stood up to my 30F sister when she went politically extreme and was mean to our mom last year after the election.

Not to mention my business is doing exceptionally well and I'd have the means to provide a high-value gift/ and/or help with a little of the wedding costs since my dad can't. All of that on top of the simple fact, she's my second youngest baby sister and I love her dearly.

So why shouldn't I just attend anyway, outside the bridal party? Our family has been in the same small town since before Kentucky even had statehood. My dad had a successful automotive business which my mom still has open, and our family is publicly known for having 5 daughter's.

Without giving away our identities, we share a last name with a famous band "_______ 5 " and that was a joking nickname for our little clan my entire childhood. In that town, our last name is pretty synonymous with the idea of being 5 daughters, and I genuinely feel like the speculation of leaving just one of us out could potentially cause drama that could outshine the marriage we're there to celebrate.

Let's be honest, human nature loves drama/curiosity far more than happiness, and I love *Zoe* enough to want her to have all attention on her that day. It would be perfectly feasible for me to blame my co-parenting schedule, travel plans of 1100 miles or anything else as a perfect excuse to not attend and avoid this drama for both of us.

My mom also mentioned she also will be having one of our cousin's little boys acting as her ring bearer, instead of her only nephew. While I get it toddlers are cuter than 8yo's, he was the ring bearer for 30F sisters wedding when he was a toddler. My mom's explanation was "well she's babysat for them a lot over the years" but I'm still shocked neither one of us will be part of her wedding party.

I am trying SO HARD to not take this personally, but I don't know why she would do this if there wasn't some intention. Weddings with 130 guests have 5+ wedding party couples/pairs quite often, and the difference between 5 and 6 bridesmaid's standing room is minimal.

Any time I've been a bridesmaid I purchased my own dress, accessories, transportation to events (which since I was never local was usually only an expense for me) and do my own hair and makeup. She also stated that *Carter* had chosen 5 close friends, but he didn't have 1 acquaintance that could be a 6th groomsman?

If 8yo nephew is "too old" to be a ring bearer, he could have been my escort/groomsman? My mom mentioned she was surprised that *Zoe* asked 30F sister since they aren't that close, but closer than me, but tbh if both of her oldest sisters were left out I think that would look less intentional since we are substantially older than her.

As much as I love *Zoe* and would love to be included, I don't feel uncomfortable not being a bridesmaid, I feel uncomfortable being the only sister who isn't and the optics from that. I know I need to reply to *Zoe's* text, but I don't even know where to start. Yep, I was so shocked she's been left on read for a week today. I know ITA for that.

So should I bail all together and avoiding the risk of drama, or do I attend and let *Zoe's* chips fall where they may? I have zero intention of causing a scene or even speaking about this at any of the events, but knowing our loud friends and family and how well known I am as the oldest I don't think I'll have to, it will be noticed regardless. Thanks for reading in advance ❤️

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

cruiser4319 said:

Why not tell her the truth, that you feel incredibly hurt by her decision to leave you out of the wedding party.

OP responded:

I guess I just don't want to make her feel guilty or add any stress to her planning, or make her question a decision she's already so sure on. Being a bridesmaid is out of the question, I feel my only choices are to either attend and pray there's no dramatics, or make an excuse and not be able to attend. I just don't know what will have the best outcome for her day.

lark1995 said:

I’d be hurt by being the only sister left out as well, especially because the sides really don’t have to be even. That said, I think it’s a little odd how personally you’re taking the fact that your son isn’t ring bearer. That signals to me that there could be something more going on here.

ATerriblyTiredTurtle said:

If not going is truly about the optics, you can use the same reason for attending as a guest as for not attending at all—you weren’t sure how travel plans were going to work with your co-parenting schedule and didn’t want to leave Zoe in the lurch, so you thought it was a better idea to attend as a guest.

If it is about hurt feelings, only you can decide if they are worth missing your sister’s wedding for. As you said, you love her, and that is a decision you won’t be able to take back. And while it may not cause community drama, it will cause family drama.

yanabanana311 said:

Tell her the truth, that you love her and were excited to support her through her wedding but this decision is extremely hurtful and has you questioning your relationship. My unpopular opinion is that it’s naive to have the attitude that the bride can do whatever she wants without consequences.

Weddings do involve family dynamics and it’s incredibly cruel to single out one sister for the sake of an even bridal party. Yes, she can leave you out and yes, you can tell her how you feel. Ultimately you two need to have that discussion before you make any declaration about attending or not.

Caliopebookworm said:

I'm sorry you're hurt. You're taking this way too personally which I know is natural but inventing scenarios in your head as to why she hates you is not the answer. She told you why. Believe her.

Missing the wedding is not the answer.

Rare-Progress5009 said:

YTA. I’m sorry, how do you figure skipping the wedding entirely is less drama than showing up and supporting your sister as a guest?!? Your feelings are valid, I understand why you’re hurt, but skipping her wedding is a nuclear reaction and will destroy the family forever.

Expecting the groom to just “ask anybody” to be a groomsman is also peak entitlement. Same with “problem-solving” by expecting a child to be a groomsman? What is that even about?

You’re embarrassed atnot being chosen, but don’t pretend that not going is some noble action intended to reduce drama. It is 100% escalating it.

OP responded:

To be clear, I would not be declining to attend off the bat and stirring the pot. It would be a last minute emergency/unable to attend, so sorry with a nice gift to make up for my attendance. I would just look flaky, not mean or intentional.

highd said:

Why are you making her day about you? You shouldn’t expect things, she explained to you why she wasn’t making you a bridesmaid and sent a kind text to tell you she cared about you and it doesn’t reflect in her choices how she feels about you. That is more than most that post here get. Be decent sister and just roll with it. It’s her day after her father died she shouldn’t have to deal with your feelings too!

And OP responded:

I'm not making anything about me, I'm just looking out for her, like big sisters do. She's young and if it was something she did unintentionally/carelessly without thinking about it I don't want it to cast a shadow on her day. Yeah he was my dad for 25 years, I know how much we will all miss him. Thank you for your input.