'AITA for skipping my nephew's 10th wedding anniversary after he ghosted my 40th?' UPDATED

"AITA? My nephew ghosts us on our 40th Wedding Anniversary, then turns around and invites us to his 10th. We are incredulous, and we don’t plan to go."

AITA? My husband & I had planned a family outing on the lake boating with my nephew "Bubba" (37), his wife & kids, along with other family. Bubba initially called to cancel due to a planned shoulder surgery as it would likely be too soon to go while recovering. I agreed and told him I would call and move the reservation another month away, so he would have more time to recover.

However, by chance my husband saw a FB post by Bubba 3 days in advance of the outing revealing that he rescheduled the surgery for the same day as our outing (which was fine) but he never informed us (which imo was rude as hell as the boat rental was considerable $).

Despite being a bit pissed, we just chose to let it go, as we also had a big trip to Yellowstone for our 40th wedding anniversary planned with him and the family coming up. We then learned from my brother (his father) that Bubba might not be able to go due to financial issues. So we offered to help him with the trip so he could still go. However he never responded to our text message.

Up till the day we left, they never did respond. They just completely ghosted us. I was pretty upset about this, but my brother said, "You just have to let it go. It's not anything you've done; my children are just terrible communicators. They do the same thing to me, it drives me crazy sometimes!"

After the trip, at a family BBQ my brother held, neither Bubba nor his wife brought up the boat outing, Yellowstone, our anniversary, or apologized in any way. Most of the time, he sat on the couch focused on his phone. He did, however, give me a hug on the way out the door and a verbal "love you."

So, after a long discussion my husband & I came to the conclusion that neither Bubba nor his wife really cared about us or our feelings. We were simply a nuisance that they had to navigate. So for our sanity, we decided we wouldn't shun them of course, but we would no longer go out of our way to pursue a relationship with them, as it would only lead to further heartache.

We kept friends with them on FB, but removed them from our feeds, as it was just too painful seeing their posts all the time. However, out of the blue, I just got a text from Bubba, personally inviting us to his 10th-anniversary celebration via FB. Wow. Both my husband & I are incredulous.

They completely ghost our invite for our 40th anniversary in every way possible, and then turn around and want us to celebrate their 10th! I responded "thanks" to be polite, and then on FB, I chose "Maybe" on their invitation, as I am hoping for an apology. Cause hey, if you apologize to us before your anniversary for ghosting us on ours, I'd be happy to go.

Just one apology is all I need. Even if it sounded insincere as hell, I’d accept it and never bring up the issue again. So by not going, unless there is an apology, are we the @$$holes? Or are we supposed to be okay with this? I don't want to be an ahole so I am reaching out to the internet for an unbiased opinion.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

HeirOfRavenclaw said:

NAH. An invitation is an offer, not a summons. You don’t have any power to force them to attend your 40th anniversary. You don’t have to attend his 10th anniversary. He doesn’t want to hang out with his elderly relatives, and that’s okay too. You’re taking this way to personally.

You don’t want to go, then don’t go. You’re wasting too much time being upset and nobody cares that you’re upset, so it’s accomplishing nothing.

Individual_Plan_3047 said:

I bet Bubba sleeps well at night, oblivious to all this drama. I don't know his story, it seems flaky and a bit rude to not respond to your message. But life with three kids is busy and perhaps it wasn't malicious. However, despite your brother telling you that's just how they are and not to take it personally, you've decided to create your own interpretation.

If you genuinely want to get past this, tell him how you feel, that you'd really wanted to make sure he could attend if he wanted your events , and it hurt you that he never acknowledged your offer.

Maybe then you'll either find out more or get your apology. But if you prefer to silently stew so that you can not get an apology Bubba doesn't necessarily realize he owes, so that you can not attend an event for spite he's not aware of, then go right ahead.

talkbaseball2me said:

YTA, you’ve got some serious main character syndrome. He didn’t want to come and you didn’t drop it. If you don’t want to go to his anniversary, don’t go. But stop making such a big deal out of this.

keesouth said:

Sorry but it sounds like YTA. This kind of tit for tat thing never helps and I bet no one but you even knows there is an issue. Bubba probably has no idea that you even have a problem. It sounds like you're in a one sided feud. If you truly need some type of apology then talk to Bubba.

And BluebirdAny3077 said:

Sometimes, even if people offer to pay, its still a cost they can't afford, and don't like to do things without money and unable to pay for anything. I don't travel well and get anxiety going anywhere, doubly so when I had kids, and triple that when low on funds.

Be the example to him of grace, understanding and forgiveness. I 100% understand how you are hurt, but maybe quietly speak to him face to face saying that you'd like to spend time together and if there is a way to make that happen, without the pressure of a full trip somewhere.

NTA but if you refuse to show up and never speak to him then YWBTA and lose out on a relationship with him/them, which is a loss for everyone.

She later shared this small update:

Thanks everyone for your input! You helped me realize IATA! So I am gonna reach out to Bubba based on your advice and clear the air. No guilt or shaming, just loving communication. I’ll update this post on how it goes.