'AITA for skipping my own surprise birthday party once I found out it wasn’t really for me?'
"AITA for skipping my own surprise birthday party once I found out it wasn’t really for me?"
I have never been big on birthdays, don’t get me wrong I don’t hate them, I just prefer something low-key: dinner with my closest friends, maybe watch a film, something small basically.
Everyone close to me knows this, especially my sister, (let’s call her maya) who loves big gestures and believes every birthday or achievement needs balloons and a theme and much much more.
Two weeks before my birthday, Maya started acting strange. She kept asking me if id be “free that Saturday” and acted weirdly when I asked why. I suspected that she was up to something, so I told her AGAIN that I didn’t want a party. She just laughed and said that as per usual I was being no fun.
A couple nights ago (the night before my birthday) one of our mutual friends let it slip about it being a party, she mentioned what she was wearing. Anyway turns out the whole family was invited and it was at our parent’s house. Some co-workers were also invited but here’s the kicker - MY FCKING EX.
For a little context - me and ex broke up about 2 months ago. It ended pretty badly, no abuse or cheating but it wasn’t a pleasant ending. I’ve made it pretty clear to everyone in my life that I want NO contact.
Maya knows this, however she’s told me multiple times that I should just get over the whole situation because he’s a nice guy and that he’s been apart of all our lives for years.
The first thing that I did was call maya, demanding answers and she didn’t deny it. She just said that we could finally talk it all out. She admitted that she hadn’t just thrown this party for my birthday but also so everyone could see my ex again and we could fix things between us. She literally said to me that I’d thank her later.
I went mad, I said to her she had no right. That I would have been ambushed into the situation, on MY birthday. And this was all after I had specifically said that I didn’t want a party.
She just said that I was dramatic and bloody ungrateful, that she had this whole thing planned because I wouldn’t find better and it was a good gift. She said everyone had gifts and travelled. That everyone was excited.
So yesterday, my birthday, I completely powered off my phone and didn’t let anyone know other than my best friend so we went out for lunch and went on a walk together. Ended up having a great day. When I finally got home I turned my phone on and it was MENTAL. Maya was fuming, people were disappointed, people even said I embarrassed maya.
Maya is now basically saying that I ruined the whole party, and made it all about me (it was literally my birthday). She says that she did it out of a good place in her heart and that I should at least apologize for not showing up and letting people know. So am I the AH?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
She tried to play match maker and get you and your ex back together. It backfired on her and is blaming you. So what! At least you were smart enough not to get sucked in to her plan and ended up having a good day anyway 😀
NTA you say at the top maya loves a big gesture and boy did you give her one. Inviting your ex and your family plotting to get yall back together is deranged.
NTA - if it had simply been a nice gesture and she misread your wishes, I would have said YTA, but this was inconsiderate and manipulative. Framing it as a surprise party the way she did effectively locked you into it, which comes off as deeply passive-aggressive.
She deserved to be embarrassed, and more so since it should have been clear to her beforehand that you weren't coming if your ex would be there. Hopefully she will get the message and not try to do anymore "nice gestures" like that in the future.
NTA, because the situation your sister tried to put you in is horrifying, and also none of her business. But I agree that you should let everyone else know why you did it and apologise because they probably had no idea what was going on and they made the effort to show up for you.
NTA you advocated for yourself to get directly repeatedly and clearly. But she wanted to be the main character and do things her way. She's a complete villain. I'm shocked anyone who knows you and about your breakup would be on board for this theme of a party, and wonder if she lied to other people to get them to attend.
I still don't understand why the family should have an opinion about the couple. If they broke up, it was for a reason. Nobody has the right to say whether they should get back together or not. Even worse is ambushing you on your birthday.
Translation, you expressed firm and reasonable boundaries multiple times and your sister decided to ignore them only to have the situation blow up in her face and because she apparently has no insight in her own behaviour, she is trying to blame you. NTA. Your sister needs to realize the world doesn't spin around her and she needs to start listening to people instead of thinking she knows best.
ESH - why you? Bc you didn’t let innocent bystanders like your coworkers know in advance that you wouldn’t be there. You let them walk into an awkward family drama, where the person they knew and were coming to see was absent. Your sister for the obvious reason of completely ignoring your wishes regarding your own life.
NTA, and to everyone saying E-S-H for not telling the guests that you weren't going, why wouldn't that be on Maya? What was her plan if OP hadn't learned about the party and still chose to go off on her own? What if her best friend, after learning what was really being planned, came through and made the decision to treat her to a day trip because she knew OP wouldn't want any part of that party?
I think if you go and plan a party for someone who explicitly and repeatedly says they do not want a party, it should be a poor reflection on you and only you for going through with it. Maya is the only one who should be facing backlash for this.