'AITA for skipping my sister’s wedding because I can’t stand her new wife?'
"AITA for skipping my sister’s wedding because I can’t stand her new girlfriend?"
I (F23) didn’t go to my sister’s (F20) wedding last weekend, and now half my family is furious with me. For context, my sister and I have always been close and never had any issues. When she came out as bisexual when was 18 I was very supportive and there when she told me had met a dated someone new and I was happy for her, since this is her first relationship.
My issue is her now new insufferable wife. Her name is Tara(F40). When I saw first saw Tara, she immediately rubbed me the wrong way, she was very loud in a way that feels performative and she would say and do provocative things that would make other feels uncomfortable.
Every time I criticized her she would often come off as narcissistic as she would often get defensive. She was also very emotionally draining, as she would get into conversations and make them about herself and she would just talk and talk about herself and overwhelm others.
I tried. I really did genuinely want to be nice, I invited them both to my friends' parties sometimes, I kept things nice, I would always eye-roll anything when she was annoying. But the last straw was when my grandma had her 84th birthday dinner.
She showed up all loud and late, and screamed on the top of her lungs that the restaurant my grandma picked was basic, then proceeded to order for the entire table without asking anyone because she “Works in food service.” When the bill came, she made a whole scene about how we were “overpaying for the vibe." It was humiliating for everyone.
After that, I told my sister privately that I was struggling with Tara’s behavior. My sister got defensive and said Tara just has a “big personality” and that I’m “too sensitive.” The conversation didn’t end well. When wedding invitations went out, I RSVP’d “no.” I didn’t make a big announcement. I just declined.
My sister called me immediately, asking why. I told her honestly that I didn’t feel comfortable celebrating a relationship when I have unresolved issues with how her partner treats me and others. I said I didn’t want to bring negative energy to her day. She told me I was making her wedding about myself and that if I loved her, I’d suck it up for one day.
I said maybe, but it’s not just “one day” it’s the start of them being family permanently. She hung up on me. The wedding was this past weekend. From photos, it looked beautiful. A few relatives have texted me saying I was petty and could’ve just avoided Tara for a few hours. My mom says I broke my sister’s heart by not being there.
I don’t hate Tara. I just genuinely find her exhausting and, honestly, obnoxious. I didn’t trust myself to plaster on a fake smile for an entire wedding and reception without eventually snapping. I thought staying home was the more respectful choice. Now I’m second-guessing everything. Was I setting a boundary, or was I just being stubborn? AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
JerseyGirl2468 wrote:
INFO: so your issue with her is that she's loud and annoying...not that she's twice your sister's age, and that your sister, at 20, married the first person she had a (not long) relationship with? Generally, I think it's fine to avoid the partner for regular life, like don't invite her to things if you don't like her, but you should have showed up for your sister for her wedding.
WonderfulDelivery639 wrote:
NTA, you actually handled it relatively well I thought, a quiet no, kept out of it. But the issue isn't just her attitude - she's a 40-year-old marrying a 20-year-old. If this was a guy, people would have an issue with it.
I just read another post where a guy ended his current relationship because his 37-year-old girlfriend dated a 19-year-old before him, and it grossed him out. They met when your sister was a teenager, that is the issue for me
Adrock66 wrote:
You messed up OP. You can't get this one back, and when the relationship inevitably fails, what's the end game? I don't care if you needed to sedate yourself. You tell your sis privately you don't want her to do it and only want to see her happy, then you suck it up and go. There is also no rule that says you can't call her now wife out on the BS in real time.
Spare_Ad5009 wrote:
Most likely, they will divorce as your sister gets older and understands people more. YTA because by not attending you started a family war and estranged your sister. I would be horrified to have a person like that in the family.
From now on, when you plan things similar to your grandmother's birthday, make sure it's planned ahead even if you have to send copies of the menu to everyone and have them text or email their choices so you can preorder. Do everything you can to prevent Terrible Tara from taking over.
BlaqueDahlia wrote:
NTA. An invitation is not a summons or a demand. She asked, you answered. She didn’t like the answer and that’s her problem. Also, the 20-year age gap is hard to ignore. Your sister will be divorced within 5 years, give it a sec. Good luck.
Any_Cicada2210 wrote:
Yes, YTA. You should have been there for your sister despite your feelings for Tara. As you describe her she sounds insufferably terrible but she is the person your sister chose.
Itchy-Wind-5494 wrote:
YTA, suck it up for your sister. BS move not going to the wedding. You are supposed to be there for her day. So what if you don't like the person. Unless they are abusive, not your call who they marry.