'AITA for skipping my sister’s wedding after she hijacked my graduation party with her proposal?'
"AITA for skipping my sister’s wedding after she hijacked my graduation party with her proposal?"
I (22F) have never had a great relationship with my sister (24F). Growing up, she and my mom were always extremely close, and I often felt like the odd one out. My mom would take my sister shopping or out to eat and I’d usually find out afterward. Sometimes I’d be stuck at an after-school activity while they went and did things together, which really strained my relationship with my sister.
My parents got divorced when we were in high school. I ended up living with my dad while my sister lived with my mom. During that time my sister was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but she has refused therapy or treatment.
Because of all this, our relationship has always been distant and sometimes tense. I try to be civil, but she has a habit of making things that are supposed to be about me… about her.
Fast forward to this past spring. I graduated from one of the top colleges in the U.S. I worked incredibly hard to get there and finish, and I was really proud of that accomplishment. My dad threw a graduation party for me with our aunts, uncles, cousins, and close family friends.
For months leading up to the party, my sister had been joking that her boyfriend was going to propose. She’d been saying it since Christmas, but nothing had happened yet. Before the party, my dad actually pulled her aside and told her very clearly not to do anything like that at my graduation party. He wanted the day to stay focused on my graduation.
Well… during the party, with our entire extended family there, her boyfriend suddenly got down on one knee and proposed. At first nobody said anything because they know what my sister is like and were shocked.
But eventually people started crowding around them, taking pictures, hugging them, and talking about wedding plans. Within minutes the whole party basically stopped being about my graduation and turned into their engagement party.
This also isn’t the first time she’s taken over something that was supposed to be about me. I ended up getting so upset that I quietly left my own graduation party and drove back to my apartment.
Recently I received their wedding invitation. After thinking about it, I RSVP’d no. I’m still really upset about what happened, and I don’t want to show up to her wedding feeling angry and resentful. That feels unfair to her and could ruin the day.
I don’t want to cause a scene or bring negativity to her wedding. When she found out I wasn’t coming, she got furious and called our dad trying to get him to convince me to go, in this call she admitted to telling her boyfriend to propose during my graduation party. My dad told her I’m an adult and he isn’t going to force me to attend something I’m uncomfortable with.
Now she’s telling family members I’m being petty and trying to punish her for being happy. From my perspective, I’m just trying to set a boundary after 22 years of feeling like she gets to take over anything important to me. Some family members think I should just go to “keep the peace.” So now I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Go to the wedding and announce you’re pregnant.
NTA. "That feels unfair to her and could ruin the day." Wishful thinking on your part. She couldn't care less, though of course she will tell everyone who will listen how hurt she is by your supposed cruelty. "Keep the peace"?
You're not threatening to disrupt the wedding, just staying away. Your sister is the one who's disrupting the peace by turning other family members against you and encouraging them to manipulate you into going. Don't fall for it. Kudos to your dad!
IdealNervous5336 OP:
Thank you, I'm also very proud and thankful that my dad is at least trying to stand up for me even though my sister isn't listening to him.
NTA. Also, family and friends don't get to weigh in. Go ahead and stick to your boundaries. Your dad can also stop anyone voicing their opinions to him. Congratulations on your graduation!!
IdealNervous5336 OP:
Thank you! I sort of wish my dad would say something to her about the way she treats me, but he doesn't even though I know he doesn't appreciate it.
NTA. All people proposing on either peoples party's deserve a special place in hell. A proposal in a public space is always terrible, in my opinion it should always been done in private leaving the woman space to decline. With people around there is too much pressure to comfortably say no.
NTA. I'd be completely NC with her. Does her fiance know that she orchestrated the proposal against your wishes and against your dads instructions? Does he know why you're not going to the wedding (not just because of this one incident)? If not, please let him know the truth, because your sister is obviously a liar.
IdealNervous5336 OP:
I don't know, he's a nice guy but I don't have much of a relationship with him. I might reach out to him and explain the situation.
Why don't you go and ruin her wedding?
IdealNervous5336 OP:
There is a small part of me that wants her to have taste of her own medicine, but a bigger and louder part of me doesn't want to treat her the way she treats me since I know how much it hurts.
NTA. There would be no broken peace if sis had not INTENTIONALLY DIRECTED her bf to disrupt your graduation party by proposing to her. Tell those relatives that sis is the one who broke the peace. She doesn't want peace. She wants to take and take and take. You are done.
She doesn't want your absence to highlight what a narcissistic, intentionally selfish person she is; so she is working to paint you as 'the bad guy'. Your dad knows the truth; so do you; and so does anybody who truly knows your sister's personality.
(I've got to feel bad for the fiance and his family; they are going to find out soon enough!) Free yourself from her puppeteering strings. You know what she's doing, but some of the family either don't or somehow think the appearance of a happy family at a wedding overrides everything else. NOT. YOUR. PROBLEM.
Plan something wonderfully enjoyable for yourself on that day. Have a trusted good buddy join you. Send/Don't send a card/gift, as you see fit. But don't do it to please/appease anyone else.
If you have a good sounding board in your dad, that's great. If you feel you could use some professional guidance to help you navigate how you want to go forward, then give yourself the support you need.
Most of your life is (likely) normal and fine, but the emotions and stresses you have dealt with over the years (from both your sister and your mother) are tangled in there, too. You deserve whatever support you need to heal and move past the damage they have inflicted on you.