'Slight chance my pregnant wife had an affair. Should I ask for a paternity test or wait?' UPDATED 3X

If you suspect something's amiss, it's best to listen to your gut.

"Slight chance my (39M) pregnant wife (38F) had an affair, should I ask for a paternity test or wait?"

My wife (38F) and I (39M) have been together for 12 years. I don't know how to describe it other than calling it the perfect relationship. I think in 12 years we've only ever gotten to the point of really raising our voices at one another maybe 2 or 3 times? We do everything together but always have never had issues allowing each other to lead our own lives and follow our own interests.

We bought a house where we wanted....we both have good high paying jobs that have great work life balance. Basically it's been everything short of perfect. We've been trying for 2 years to get pregnant and it hadn't been happening. We were just about to start the fertility stuff when I came home from a work trip, and guess what she's pregnant. I had this weird instant thought of:

"Wait I thought we didn't try during the week last month because of the fertility testing." But I couldn't remember exactly because to be honest. We were busy at it. So I just assumed I miss remembered. Now, I travel around the country pretty regularly for work. Other than C0V*D, I've been on the road as much as 40 weeks a year sometimes. Since C0**D its been less but still more than a week a month.

Over the last 4-5 years my wife has gotten very friendly with a guy she works with, let's call him Matt. Matt is slightly younger, I think 34M or so. I know him, he's married, I know his wife. They've worked together for I think 7 years or so. He's always been around, him and I have been friendly. Have I ever thought something was happening?

No, but I've always thought...you'd be a fool to not think there's even a 1% chance your spouse would go outside the relationship. Maybe I'm naive, but I've always seen it as a safeguard to not take my wife or any other partner in the past for granted. She's never given me a reason to think she'd do that. But anything is possible. So about a month ago I'm out of state for work and she's at home.

I ask her what she's doing earlier in the day and she says Matt is coming by for dinner. Not out of the ordinary, Matt comes by from time to time. Sometimes with his wife, sometimes without, sometimes when I'm not there. I don't think much of it. We have a security system which includes cameras both inside and outside of the house which we installed after an unrelated incident a few years ago.

They record and are live accessable by both her and I. I often use those cameras to check on the dog when I or both of us are away, as the rest of the system is monitored by a company Incase of an alarm going off. She knows I check those cameras, there's a system installed where I can talk through them.

I'll mess with my wife and she will with me on them if either of us are out of town (she travels for work as well, but far less than I do). Point is, it's known that I check them often when I'm not at home. So I turn on the camera and I see my 4 months pregnant wife, lying on the floor, on her side with Matt sitting, straddling her legs and using a foam roller to message her hips.

So I'm like....okay...what the f#$k is this. I start rewinding through the footage and they are eating and talking normally, but then they get on the couch and get under the same blanket. Now...... They are feet to feet, but that couch isn't that big. Then they move to the floor and that's when I logged in.

Anyway I text her, I'm still watching the cameras they both look like deer in headlights and he very quickly leaves. We get into an argument she isn't mad at me accusing her but she's adamant that nothing has or ever would happen, and that what I saw was innocent and she was complaining about being in pain from the pregnancy.

Which I know is true shes already having some issues with back pain etc.. The biggest point of that discussion was I asked "If I were there would you two have been comfortable doing any of that Infront of me" and she reluctantly admitted... No probably not. I told her I didn't want to talk after that and we'd talk when I got home 3 days later.

That's when It hit me....what if my weird gut moment feeling about her telling me she was finally pregnant, was...this. What if my 1% happened and this is not my child we are having? Now, it eats away at my while I'm at a hotel alone a thousand miles away for 3 days. I reconcile with myself that. I think it's less likely than more likely that something between them has happened.

But basically my 1% just jumped to....10% 20% maybe? I get home and she's on eggshells and doesn't mention it. I kinda wait to see what she's going to do. 2 days later she finally brings it up and breaks down. Swears nothing has happened she would never. Doesn't do anything over the top to try and prove anything. Which I took as a good sign.

But anyway we talk out the issue and everything to a point of at least moving forward for now. I'm still coping and dealing with it figuring out how to re trust after all this time. I'm getting more and more understanding of the fact that they are friends they've been friends for so long, maybe he has intentions.

But I don't see her having any and I've never really picked up on it and I've spent time around both of them together many many times, and never caught anything. So the thing that is destroying me right now is....if I'm wrong and something did happen...while I can figure out how to deal with that.

What if that child isn't mine. In the argument and few long conversations we've had about the situation since I've never brought that up, and she's not mentioned it. Mostly because I don't want to make the situation worse and crush her if infact she's telling the truth, which I mostly believe.

The only thing I can think to do at this point is to wait until the baby is born and immediately order a paternity test in secret. Should I do that? Should I tell her and have it dealt with now? If you're a woman in her shoes and you're telling the truth, would that destroy you, or your view of me? If you're lying what would you do if I asked? I don't want to ask a super vague question but...what do I do?!

TL;DR: very small chance my wife of 12yrs had an affair and she's 4 months pregnant and I can't bring myself to ask for a paternity test for fear of crushing her if nothing actually happened. But I am planning on doing it in secret when the baby comes. What do I do?

Not long after, OP shared an update.

Update: Soo many comments. Thank you everyone more than I can address directly but I'm going to keep reading a few things.

1 stop DMing me about this, thanks.

2 some have made some good points about addressing it now rather than later and that's something that I'm considering more than I was before, thank you.

3. To those focused only on my relationship. I get it but that's not what I'm focused on. We've been talking about it a lot. My wife and I are pretty open people with each other. I'm not saying I'm convinced nothing happened but I'm more focused on paternity right now.

4. If I need to track, spy on, life360, my wife. Then this relationship is over already. That's not the relationship we have and not one that I ever want, and in my opinion not one anyone should ever have. We are working on rebuilding trust. As I said in this long winded post my default of 1% possibility went up to 10% or so.

Trust me I'm taking my relationship seriously but to those I've said this to already. If the kid isn't mine, then there's no longer any conversation to have.

5. I've already had this discussion with my lawyer, I don't live in a state where the birth certificate stuff will be an issue. If I have paperwork that this child isn't mine than divorce isn't going to be much of an issue. Both of us are in an independent financial situation where it won't matter much regardless. I'll keep up with this post as long as I can and post an update when and if anything gets resolved.

The comments kept coming in.

jjmart013 wrote:

Baby or not, your wife was acting inappropriately with another man. She claims it was innocent but if my wife saw me doing what you saw them doing, she would probably leave me. I'd be honest with her and tell her that your trust in her has been compromised due to what you saw. She put that doubt in your head, not you.

Tell her that what you saw has saddened you because it has actually caused you to wonder if there's a slim chance the baby might be his. That doubt is robbing you of the full joy you should be experiencing during what should be a very joyful time in your life. Who knows, she may suggest a test to ease your pain.

VictoryShaft wrote:

In your next conversation, you need to speak your mind directly. "This whole situation has me so messed up. I want to get past this shitty moment and find the relationship we had again. The amount of distrust that grew in me in that moment won't go away."

"It has me questioning our entire relationship and especially if I'm the father of our child. For me to really move past the massage incident and you both being cozy under a blanket together, I need a paternity test."

She will absolutely cry and be upset, but she also deserves to know the full consequences of her actions. You have said, "I've never told her, even a white lie," to the best of your knowledge. Why start on one of the biggest decisions of your life? Every time you talk about this situation and don't bring this up, you are lying to her and yourself.

If she is really upset at the level of her screw up, as you say she is, she may likely understand where you're coming from. She may not. Either way, this is 100% her fault in the situation for questionable behavior. You likely won't move past this any time soon without the reassurance that the results will provide.

Do you really want to have these nagging feelings to stay with you for the remainder of the pregnancy? Talk and test now. Don't wait. The amount of resentment that will grow in your uncertainty until the birth will not be easily removed from your relationship, regardless of the outcome of the test.

botfaphg wrote:

Just wait and do it at birth. You can get 48 hour turnaround in most places so you can get it done before you have to sign the birth certificate. Don't make a drama unless you are sure, it will bite you in the arse later.

SkinnyCitrus wrote:

Just food for thought - if she has cheated, a paternity test won't necessarily prove that. I definitely think you should make steps to prove if this kid is yours or not at some point because I think the behavior is suspicious enough to warrant concern. And this is coming from someone who typically thinks it's offensive for husband's to ask for one when there isn't proof of infidelity.

But it's possible that this kid IS yours AND that she still did cheat. So you need to ask yourself what you would do in that scenario as well. It's not as simple as if the child is yours or not. And I don't say that to make things more stressful and complicated for you, just to point out that getting a paternity test might not solve everything for you.

You might still question her relationship with this coworker and if it's inappropriate. You need to talk with your wife, potentially even talk with a counselor alone for yourself and perhaps even a couples counselor together with the two of you. Because there are a multitude of ways this situation could end.

Maybe she didn't cheat, but the interaction certainly crossed a line and I don't think you will be satisfied with just a paternity test. What WOULD make you feel like your wife did love you, what you saw was innocent and there was nothing suspicious going on? Basically what would you want to see to trust her again? This something I think you have to face and can't hide from. The sooner the better.

A day later, OP shared an update.

So she was out of state on a business trip until late last night. It's Friday so she worked from home in our kitchen. So I asked to talk and brought it up and asked for a test. She immediately said yes and said there's zero doubt and nothing that she'd even have a second to worry about. But she has no problem doing it now.

The only caveat I left it with is. If it's invasive at all per our doctors then I'm ok waiting until it's low risk. (I'm not a doctor, no clue what they'd have to do to do it now). So not sure when we are. But she's aware and we are getting one. It was a decent and longer conversation. We are currently sitting together getting lunch.

She's got no clue I did this on Reddit. Hence the new account because she is on here somewhere. Thank you everyone for your help and opinions, a bunch of you made me realize that we are already really open about everything and if nothing happened then she wouldn't worry about getting one.

I was more worried about her health and adding some insane level of stress if it was an issue as she's an at risk pregnancy and it took soooooo long for us to get pregnant. So again thank you all for the help. I suppose I can update if it's mine or not but I'm not sure how long that will be. I'm...90-95% sure it is mine. But this will help us continue this conversation. Thank you.

Not long after, OP shared another small update.

Update: Just because it seems to be more of a topic on this post vs the other one for some reason....yes I have the footage. No I haven't talked to Matt yet. He's told her he wants to talk about it but I've told them to wait on that. My relationship with my wife and the paternity is what's important right now.

I will eventually talk with Matt. No I'm not going to get Matt's wife involved intentionally. I don't know why I would other to just be vindictive. I'm not going to cover for him obviously but his relationship is his. And mine is mine. I'm not interested in making this worse. Whatever is going on between him and his wife isn't any of my business.

The comments kept coming.

Ambitious-Cover1130 wrote:

Hope the best for you. Still - there is a clear line - if people wants to have friends from the opposite gender - they are responsible for behaving in a way that there are no suspicion of cheating. Remind her about that!

OP responded:

Yea she's aware. It's a direct spoken rule we've always had. Like I'm never ever going to tell you what you can and can't do unless it's something directly to me. But understand boundaries and if you cross one the consequences are yours to face. This is how we do everything. She's not a fan that I have a pilots licence and fly for really no reason other than for fun.

Or I own a stupid little track car that I bring to the track. I didn't ask her permission to do those things. But I know that if one of those were a deal breaker it's my decision if I'm crossing that line or not.

Now...material or dangerous things aren't the same as what's going on here. But that's just how we've led our lives this entire time. And it's the first time it's been an issue. Although there was the one time she really really didn't want me to buy a motorcycle. Which...I did take into consideration when I ended up not buying one.

unzunzhepp wrote:

Great. I think it’s just a blood test from the pregnant woman nowadays. And your DNA to compare to.

OP responded:

Probably. We found out the gender so early that way I was shocked. I have a sister who is 15ish years younger than me that was born in the late 90s and this experience has been wildly different than what I remember my mom going through.

Alibeee64 wrote:

There may not have been a physical affair, but they definitely are close to having an emotional one. You may want to address that point with your wife and set some boundaries you’re both comfortable with. Best of luck, and congratulations on the baby. I hope it all works out in your favor.

OP responded:

Thank you. Yes that was brought up. I told her I didn't think 100% that something did happen otherwise I would be here taking to her but maybe he's got feelings now? She said she doesn't think that's the case and if it is he's really good at hiding them. But yes we are more getting to the boundary thing she's already set a bunch herself apparently. But it'll be a long road. But we are getting there.

NoObligations21 wrote:

Really glad for this update! Things appear to be more hopeful, positive and reassuring—and that’s a good thing for all of you, especially with the “high risk” issue. This is exactly what you needed, to calm your mind for the time being.

I really hope it all works out. I think knowing how this affects you, and causes you to feel….as difficult as it may be for your wife to do, she may need to put a little distance between her and this guy being alone in the house with her (or any guy for that matter, who isn’t immediate family).

With everything else in mind, try keeping the perspective that, all is well until or unless you later get/have proof to the contrary. Do your best to enjoy this time together—celebrating the miracle of life and looking forward to a smooth healthy pregnancy and healthy baby being born! Wishing you all the best!!!!

OP responded:

Yea she told me over lunch she's already putting distance between them because of all this and I reminded her that I didn't ask her to do that and she assured me that it was worth it and an easy decision if that's what it takes. So we are working on it. Honestly I'm happy that my relationship is the way it is and she is who she is. otherwise I can see this going another much worse way. Thank you.

Latter-Ride6575 wrote:

That sounds like the response of someone who didn't cheat. I would ask to see her phone, and is she still in contact with this guy? What's happening there?

OP responded:

I don't want to be in a relationship where I need to see her phone. They work together daily. So yea there's no avoiding that. But she's told me she's distancing herself a little bit. And that I didn't ask her to do that. She told me it didn't matter because it is worth doing it. So that's where we are with that.