'AITA for snapping after being repeated asked if the narc was talking?'

"AITA for snapping after being repeated asked 'if the narc' was talking?”

I’m a diagnosed narcissist & have been in therapy (by choice) for years. I was diagnosed at 16, now 28, still actively work on recognizing & correcting harmful behaviors. I was a bully in high school & have since apologized in adulthood. I’m genuinely trying to do better and the internet actually helped me recognize behaviors I needed to change.

I have a new small friend group. The issue involves one friend, Tay F29. About a month ago, after I felt comfortable enough to say I was a diagnosed narc, Tay started questioning nearly everything I say with some version of “Is that you or is the narc talking?” This happens at least once per conversation & every time I’m left overanalyzing what I said wrong.

In reference to an upset friend-

Me: “That makes sense, I’d probably feel the same way.”

Tay: “Do you really care or are you just saying that because you think that’s what you need to say?”

In reference to Tay trying a dress she felt insecure about-

Me: “I actually really like that color on you. It makes you look brighter.”

Tay: “Is that your real opinion or are you trying to score points?”

In reference to Tay getting a deserved promotion-

Me: “You seem a lot more confident lately. Are you enjoying your promotion?”

Tay: “Do you mean that or are you implying I wasn’t before?”

Me: “I mean it? It was a compliment.”

Tay: “Just checking it wasn’t the narc framing it as praise.”

I asked her to stop. She dismissed me with “Just checking.” Other friends tried to get her to stop, but backed off, told us to work it out ourselves.

Yesterday, we were pregaming at my place. One friend flaked on us last minute (again) & I said I was frustrated because it felt like our time wasn’t being respected.

Tay said, “Okay, but are you reasonably upset or is the narc talking & feeling entitled to other people’s time?”

I just snapped. I told her, “You wanna know something wild? I question myself constantly because I don’t wanna hurt people. I do it enough without you questioning literally everything I’ve ever said like I’m a fucking case study.

Not everything I say is backhanded. You’re taking any progress I’ve made & keep throwing it in my face and I never gave you reason to. I’ve spent years learning not to be an AH & you just keep finding ways to be a new one. I told you to stop, they told you to stop. I want you to stop. So, if you think every thought I have, every word I say, is manipulation then why the fuck are you still here?”

She said that I was “proving her point” & “not as healed as I thought.” The night ended early & awkwardly. Our friends are split. Some think she crossed a line, others think I did. Most think I should accept more scrutiny because of my diagnosis, like I haven’t already years ago. My therapist is on vacation. So, AITA for snapping after being repeatedly asked if 'the narc is talking?'

Here's what people had to say to OP:

JAvatar80 wrote:

Given the information provided, and I say this and clarify I say this due to the fact we are all human and our perceptions and memories do give us some room for error in presenting our side of a story, hard NTA. (I wanted to clarify that I am stating the human-mind condition, and NOT trying to infer your diagnosis led you to leave out information).

You admit to us your issues, and the steps you've been taking to handle them. Tay is then second guessing you, attacking you, and then gaslighting you to try and make you think it's your fault.

Tell your friends that think you over-reacted to put themselves in YOUR shoes for once, to have every comment and statement second guessed and attacked. To then put up with it for a month without saying anything. Tay is not helping you. She's not your therapist. And, honestly, she doesn't sound like a friend either.

OP responded:

I would have added more, but the character limit was a bit testy. I am open to questions and would answer what I can.

MissGoreTest wrote:

THAT is not scrutiny. Thats catty, untrustworthy, behavior. No, you stood your ground. You did the work, and you continue to do the work. That sounds like someone assuming that you haven't, and who likely hasn't had any help themselves.

You're in a sort of recovery, right? Similar to addicts. Id stay away from people like that. I get that they're part of a group, and those who stuck up for you might be your people, but it could also be time to just...find better friends.

Its tough, and people will judge you. Won't understand you. But those comments seemed aimed at you during anything positive and thus. Likely a projection on their end. Theres no need to check...treat me like everyone else. If I say something out of pocket, say something but short of that, I have a therapist thank you. I don't need you arm chair psycho analyzing me too. NTA.

OP responded:

It's not really recovery. Narcissism is just something that will always be there for me. Even working on it to recognize my behavior is not going to "cure" me. It's something I'll have to work on pretty much my entire life. It's a daily thing. Not an addiction, but if you fall into the patterns of behavior and the 'blame game' it can be.

Gypsicat wrote:

NTA I don’t see how her ”checking” with you in that manner would be helpful in any way. If she had genuine concerns over specific things you did or said and spoke to you about them privately that could be different. Instead it is almost like she is trying to cut you down or embarrass you.

=

You are aware you are a diagnosed narcissist and clearly do not need her reminding you or everyone in your circle every time you speak.

Sarissa32 wrote:

NTA. Tay was so far out of line with her arm chair psychologizing it's not even funny. What is she even trying to do with all the questions?? If you were being backhanded it's not like you'd admit it. It just seems like she's trying to constantly bring focus back to your diagnosis which is always an AH thing to do.

Acerbica wrote:

NTA. She’s been b**lying you after being asked repeatedly to stop. Maybe she needs a diagnosis of some sort and that’s why she’s obsessed with yours?