'AITA for snapping at my husband that he needs to get over his ADHD quirk?' UPDATED
"AITA for snapping at my husband that he needs to get over his ADHD quirk?"
I really try to understand my husband’s ADHD quirks and sensitivities, but this one made me snap. Apparently, I blink my eyes too loudly. It annoys him so badly, that he’s raised his voice telling me to stop and will storm out of the room if we’re laying in bed, watching a movie or trying to sleep.
He says I don’t do it all the time, but he cannot handle the noise of my blinking most nights. I finally snapped at him last night after he told me to stop doing it saying something along the lines of “You need to get over it or take responsibility of your ADHD and stop thinking this is normal”.
For context, he’s been to therapy and has been on medication for ADHD, but has since quit because he doesn’t like it.
So, am I the AH for snapping at him?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
Whatever this is, it isn’t ADHD.
Misophonia maybe?
Yup, I have AudAHD, OCPD and misophonia, I can actually drive myself insane hearing MYSELF blink, so I do feel for him. I tend to use earplugs at night, I get beeswax ones because they mold and are just sticky enough to stay in.
Also, you can dye/get dyed beeswax that means you can discreetly wear them when you're forced to be around eating noises/overstimulated without causing offense.
Sadly, of all my therapy, meds, everything has had a pretty general upwards swing then plateau with the right action, but NOTHING has yet fixed my life long Misophonia, sadly, so if ANYONE knows a trick please help! It can really mess up your life, and you feel like a constant AH.
The OP then quickly returned with an update a few hours later.
Update: I really appreciate everyone’s comments, I had my husband read them over as well and he agrees that taking his frustration out on me was not okay. While he hasn’t raised this concern until recently, our best guess is that a traumatic birth back in June is likely causing a ton of stress and making it worse.
We did test it out and he can certainly hear me blinking (or some sound that aligns with the timing) even if his eyes are closed or I’m turned away. I agree with the folks saying it’s likely misophonia and NOT an ADHD symptom.
He says it’s like a wet glass clinking sound, similar to other people in the comments. He has apologized and agreed to go back to therapy, see his doctor for a potential diagnosis/full psych evaluation, and try earplugs.
It could also be brought on by suddenly stopping his medication, so he’s going to speak with his doctor about that as well. In the meantime, he’s agreed to sleep on the couch if he can’t cope and to not even bring up the blinking to me. Fingers crossed it lasts, thanks everyone again!
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
I wanted to say yes until I read it. I have issues with sound too. Too many voices combine with the constant brain chatter and it's maddening. Sometimes even children playing irritates me and I feel like an AH.
But that's just it. I feel like the AH. I don't tell the kids to stfu because I can't stand laughter. Dude needs to get earplugs or a big fan for white noise or prepare for a very lonely life.
NTA: Your husband sounds cool af if he can handle the Reddit comments and is open to feedback. I too suffer from sound sensitivities, especially when stressed. I have flipped out on my partner for the sound of their silverware slamming the bottom of the bowl. Our house is typically silent, we live in a forest and it’s usually just birds/static silence from the forest.
This man makes so many loud ass noises, I want to scream sometimes. I know that this is my issue to deal with and I feel terrible when I’m mean. I know I’m mean as soon as the words come out of my mouth but I can’t not say them. This then turns into a “what is your deal” contest.
NTA. As a person with ADHD, I agree that your husband needs to take responsibility for his issues, including resuming therapy and taking his meds. ADHD can be brutal on our partners and everyone else around us.
Expecting others to simply endure all our issues is not an ADHD characteristic, it's just baseline selfishness. I'm glad to hear he's agreed to resume treatment for his disorder. He should also have his hearing evaluated, because there could be something physiological going on there.
And for those saying blinking doesn't make a sound, you're quite mistaken. The fact that you don't hear it doesn't mean it isn't there; the body makes all sort of noises that our ears aren't normally able to detect. The flow of blood in the veins, the flexing of muscle fibers, the movement of fascia, and, yes, blinking.
It's like the smell of certain cancers: most humans can't detect the odor, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. It's known that some dogs can detect it, and that horses and other animals can hear our heartbeats (and who knows what else). It's not a stretch to think that the husband can hear the wet clicking of a blinking eyelid.
He didn't have a traumatic birth. There's no end to the excuses he'll mine to make all his whining your fault.