'AITA for snapping at my mother-in-law for treating my older daughter differently?'
"AITA for snapping at my mother-in-law for treating my older daughter differently?"
Hi Reddit. I’m 34F, married to my husband (35M). I have a 6-year-old daughter from my first marriage and a 2-year-old daughter with my current husband. My husband is an amazing stepdad to my oldest — he’s been in her life since she was 3 and treats her like his own.
The problem is my mother-in-law. From the very beginning, she’s been cold toward me. She was polite but distant at first, and I figured she just needed time. But once my younger daughter was born (her biological granddaughter), the difference in how she treats the girls became impossible to ignore.
She showers my 2-year-old with attention. She brings her little gifts “just because.” She FaceTimes asking specifically for the baby. When we visit, she scoops her up immediately, plays with her, feeds her, posts pictures of her on Facebook calling her “my whole world.”
Meanwhile, my 6-year-old gets… nothing. No hugs unless my daughter initiates. No small gifts. No one-on-one time. No photos posted. When my oldest tries to show her drawings or talk about school, my MIL will give a quick “That’s nice” and turn back to the toddler. It’s subtle enough that if you weren’t watching closely, you might miss it but I see my daughter’s face fall every time.
What breaks my heart is that my 6-year-old ADORES her. She makes her cards. She calls her “Grandma” proudly. Last Christmas, she saved her allowance to buy my MIL a little candle because “Grandma likes nice smells.” My MIL barely reacted. But when my 2-year-old scribbled on wrapping paper, she acted like it was a Picasso.
Last weekend was the tipping point. We were at her house for dinner. She had bought a new stuffed animal for my 2year old and gave it to her in front of both girls. My 6year old just stood there smiling at first, probably waiting. Nothing came. Not even a small “I have something for you too.”
On the way home, my daughter asked me quietly, “Why does Grandma only bring presents for sissy?”
I saw red.
I called my MIL later that night and told her that if she can’t treat both girls equally, we will start limiting visits. I said my oldest is a child and doesn’t deserve to feel like an outsider in her own family.
My MIL got defensive immediately. She said, “Well, she’s not actually my granddaughter,” and that it’s “different.” She also said I’m being dramatic and trying to control her relationship with “her real grandchild.”
That word real made my blood boil.
My husband is supportive of me but also says his mom is “old-fashioned” and might never change. He thinks threatening to limit visits may escalate things. Now my MIL is telling extended family that I’m keeping her from her granddaughter and painting me as bitter because I’m divorced.
So… AITA for confronting her and saying I’ll limit contact if she keeps excluding my older daughter? I don’t expect her to feel exactly the same about my oldest. But I do expect basic kindness and fairness. Am I asking for too much?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA - that is so mean of your mother in law. How can she not love your little girl who she has known since she was a small toddler. Heartless. You are right to limit contact it will have a negative effect on your older daughter.
It will affect BOTH daughters in different ways, all of them negative. OP needs to explain to her husband that just bc his mom is old and HE believes she won’t change is absolutely NOT a reason to allow it to continue!!
MIL will learn, if boundaries are placed WITH CONSEQUENCES, (OP you did that part perfectly- well done!!) that she will no longer be allowed to play favourites, or she gets no granddaughter time AT ALL.
Op, you hold the power here. Use it. You have the thing she craves (just for validation and bragging rights it appears) so utilize that to make her behave. If she won’t? Not your problem. No granddaughters for her. She has two she will treat equally or she gets none.
Jerk of a husband, AH MIL.
Honestly, husband needs to step up more. Can't just shrug and say "old-fashioned." Your MIL is being hurtful to your kid.
You have a husband problem. Either HE tells his mother to stop treating the girls differently, or he can go pound sand. Meanwhile, granny can be shut out completely. My youngest is the son of my second husband, and my older two were not.
My MIL treated her biological grandson like he was the most important child ever born... and treated the other two like an inconvenience. My husband finally told his mother exactly what would happen if the favoritism didn't stop, and stuck to it. She did end up improving her behavior. Your HUSBAND needs to step up. HE is allowing this.
Your not asking her to love your oldest the exact same way. ur asking her to not make a 6 y/o feel unwanted. that’s bare minimum human decency.
You have a husband problem, frankly he likely shares the view that his mother isn't responsible for your older because its not her grandchild. If he didn't agree hed have a conversation with his mother.
Your husband said what? What does he mean escalate things? He acts like both of you are children and have to obey his mother. Absolutely not! Cut her off from your kids until she respects you and your family. Let your husband deal with his mommy.
NTA! I have grandparents in their late 70s who are “old fashioned” but not mean spirited, judgmental a-holes. There are 13 great grandkids. 4 of whom have no “biological” relation to our family.
But every single one of them gets sleepovers at grandmas, accomplishments displayed on the fridge, loads of birthday/Christmas gifts and genuine love from my grandparents. Also, your husband sucks for thinking this is acceptable.
NTA. I have four "step" granddaughters and three blood grandkids. I love every one of those kids just the same and we've pretty much taken my former son-in-law's wife into the family as a bonus kid.
Your MiL is absolutely wrong to treat your oldest this way. When her son chose to marry you, he made both you and your daughter part of her family. However, with your husband making excuses for her I feel like you may have a husband problem as well.
It's time for some hard boundaries and a "come to Jesus" meeting with your husband. If he really loves your oldest, he needs to be her biggest defender with his mother right now.