'AITA for snapping at my daughter after she said she’s uncomfortable with my dating habits?'

"AITA for snapping at my daughter after she said she’s uncomfortable with me dating again?"

I’m a 42 year old single dad with twin daughters who are 20. Their mom divorced me when they were 8. It wasn’t ugly, she was apologetic and kind about it, but it still wrecked me because I really loved her.

After the kids were born, I stopped being me. I stopped caring about how I looked, stopped working out, stopped even thinking about my own needs. My entire life became about my daughters and work. I gained weight, looked years older than I was, and felt invisible. I loved my girls, but I lost myself, and I couldn’t really fault my wife for no longer being attracted to me, both emotionally and physically.

A year after our divorce, my ex wife remarried a very attractive man. She rebuilt her life, even had another kid. And I stayed stuck. I didn’t have the confidence, energy, or even the appearance to date. So I just… didn’t. I buried any need for intimacy and focused on being the best father I could to my daughters, vacations, school events, late night talks, everything. I had a really close bond with them.

But when my daughters left for college, the silence in the house was crushing. I felt really sad when I went out to eat alone and saw couples at restaurants or movies. I realized I’d given everything to my daughters for over a decade, and in return I had nothing for myself. I started therapy, which genuinely saved me.

Then I took care of my body. I worked out, lost weight, started grooming myself, dressing better, taking pride in who I was. By the end of a year, I didn’t just look good, I felt alive. I got a lot of compliments from my friends and family, and a lot of them were shocked. I will admit, I was really proud of my how I looked, and now both therapy and gym are an active part of my life.

When I finally dipped back into the dating world, it was like waking up from a 12 year coma. The first time I slept with someone after so many years…it was overwhelming. It wasn’t just about the physical part, it was about feeling wanted, feeling like a man again. And the second time, with someone new, it felt intoxicating. Liberating. Like I’d been missing this essential part of myself all those years.

Since then, I’ve been seeing a few women. Not in a trashy way, I’m upfront and honest with them. We go on dates, talk for hours, laugh, watch movies… and yes, we’re intimate. Some are younger, some closer to my age, but every connection makes me feel alive again. I’m not looking to settle down, I’m just enjoying this stage, after over a decade of nothing, I’m rediscovering who I am as a man.

My daughters came home for summer break, and last night one of them told me she’s uncomfortable with how often I’m “bringing different women around.” She said it makes the house feel strange, that she’s not used to seeing me like this.

I snapped. I told her, “Have some shame. After everything I gave up for you, after years of putting you and your sister first, this is what I get? You judging me the moment I finally get to breathe?”

She tried not to cry but she did, and I ended up consoling her. I felt really bad. But what she said hurt. For years I sacrificed my happiness, my body, my identity, so my daughters could have a stable life. And the one time I let myself be free, my own daughter looks at me like I’m doing something wrong? It felt like a slap in the face.

AITA for telling my daughter to have some shame after she confronted me about my dating life?

What do you think? AITA for how he reacted to his daughter? This is what commenters had to say:

NormalSkill2126 said:

YTA for your response to her. The clear manipulative language was not conducive to a healthy and helpful conversation with your daughter. Of course you get your own life, you don't get to blame her or guilt her for your past choices.

No_Hippo_511 said:

YTA for blaming them for who you became. It was not them, it was absolutely your own doing. And why should they be ashamed?

Tiger_Dense said:

I think it’s likely different women that affected her, rather than the fact you’re dating.

Seriously, would you be happy if your daughter brought home a different man every night?

Unusual-Sympathy-205 said:

YTA for your reaction. Snapping at her was unacceptable. What you said was unacceptable. You chose to live the life you did. YOU. Not your daughter. They did not force you to waste 12 years. You made that decision on your own. Blaming her for your own choices is terribly unfair and you really should apologize.

Of course it’s not going to be easy for them to adjust to the changes. And god yes, having a bunch of different women around is going to be awkward as hell. Did you ever consider there’s a middle ground here? One where you talk to your kids instead of blaming them for the choices you made? One where you explain how much better you feel now and help them adjust to the changes?

You get to have a life; you’re not the @$$hole for that. But you’re a huge gaping asshole for what you said to your kid. “Have some shame”?! Gross, dude. Grow up.

lil_wispy said:

YTA, not because you’re dating. Not because you’re feelings got hurt. YTA because you snapped at your daughter, emotionally manipulated her (“after everything I gave up for you!”) and treated her like shit for telling you how she felt.

You could have had an adult conversation with her but instead you snapped on your child who is barely an adult. She didn’t ask you to give up everything for her, you chose to let yourself go all those years.

And Trashisland2000 said:

YTA, you don’t need to bring your multiple casual partners around your daughters when they’re home. Also sacrificing and putting your kids first is what you signed up for when you became a father. Holding it over your daughters’ heads so you can flaunt your newfound romantic life around them is sh
!tty.

You also mention some of these women are younger than you but don’t specify by how much. That’s interesting.