'AITA for snapping at my boyfriend's mom for cleaning our entire apartment while we were asleep?'

"AITA for snapping at my boyfriend's mom for cleaning our entire apartment while we were asleep?"

Me (21F) and my bf (21M) have been living together for 5 months. He wanted to live in a studio, but his mom is paying his rent and she wanted him to be in a one bedroom so she could come visit and stay for our college football game weekends. I pay half the rent.

My bf was away on internship on our move in day, and I ended up moving both of us in, with help from his mom. After we moved all the boxes in, I had to leave for a few days, and I told her to not unpack anything. I like unpacking, and I didn't want her going through my things. When I came back, every. single. box. was unpacked and organized, including my clothes, my razors etc.

Also, a lot of furniture and decorations that I had vetoed were set up. I saw this as a huge violation, but kinda just took a deep breath and blew it off. My bf has said that she has a poor understanding of personal space, and has always been too involved in his life, which he has learned to live with.(He is an only child...I grew up with 10 siblings. Lol).

She has come to visit a few times and has cleaned our apartment almost every time she comes. I have told her several times that there is no need, and even had to put a very hard boundary on her not washing our sheets or touching my clothes, since that feels like a massive breach of my privacy.

My bf doesn't understand why I'm upset but has been on my side. Last weekend she visited, we set the couch for her and we hung out after the game. The next morning, we woke up to her cleaning our place. She had been cleaning for 2 hours while we were asleep.

I was pretty upset and my bf went to go talk to her. He said that she moves all of our things around and we can never find anything when shes done. She completely brushed this off by saying "oh its okay, I'll put everything back how I found it, its really gross in here" I was in the bathroom, and as she was saying that I noticed that all of our towels, bath mats, and my personal perfumes and makeup were reorganized.

I got upset, and came out and told her that it really bothers me when she cleans our space, and that it makes me feel like a place that I am paying for doesn't belong to me because someone else is treating it like their own. I said I really appreciated the effort, but that it makes me very uncomfortable. She stopped cleaning, and changed the subject and I thought everything was fine.

My bf went to work, and she left a few hours later. When I talked to him later he told me that she had called him and said that I deeply hurt her feelings, that she was trying to help, that i was being disrespectful and ungrateful, and that we should act as good hosts and keep the apartment cleaner for her when she visits.

I recently got diagnosed with endometriosis and haven’t been able to clean as much, but we still clean daily. The biggest caveat here is that she has metastatic breast cancer and we don’t know how much longer she has left with us. I said we can clean the apt together, but she didn’t like that. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Spare-Article-396 wrote:

I feel like you’re going to get a ton of people telling you to be firm, she’s an ah, etc. I am a mom of an only son. He’s younger than your partner. Last year I was dying. I cannot explain how my mind raced about all the things I would never do for him again, what memories I would leave for him, how he’d be going through life without me, and I wouldn’t be there for him.

I wound up starting to knit these stupid little Disney figures that I bought at Costco like, 5 years earlier. He was 15 at the time. It made no sense. But it did to me. (Btw, I am better now). I feel like this is coming from a place of love, and…it’s complicated.

Cancer aside, he has allowed this to continue into his early adulthood, so this new issue with boundaries/growing up/moving into a new phase of life with you is making this a huge transitional period where the way she’s lived her mom life is now knocked on its head. I’m not saying it’s his fault, but it just is what it is. This is their relationship. Then add in the cancer diagnosis?

She’s probably just emotionally reeling, feeling powerless, and so she leans back on feeling needed and useful in the only way she sees possible. She probably sees you as the woman she’s passing her torch to, and in turn, that means you’re her daughter now. So when you said ‘please don’t unpack my stuff’, she probably heard ‘I don’t want to impose on you’ and she figured she would as an act of love.

I know this was a huge invasion of privacy. You have every right to be upset. But sometimes…you can be right or you can be kind. Sometimes some extra grace will serve you a lot better. I would have another talk with her directly, maybe redirect her into some sort of a project you two could work on together, idk.

Or maybe like knitting a blanket or something? idk, it’s a crazy time for her. But it would be awesome for all of you if you could/would help her redirect her focus. You are absolutely n t a…but I don’t think she is one, either. She’s living an absolute emotional powder keg. NAH. I hope things work out for all of you.

OP responded:

This is a very kind approach; thank you so much for your perspective. I'm definitely going to think about this when I talk to her again...I'm really glad you're feeling better!

eattacosalways wrote:

With you saying she has cancer and you are unsure how long she has, I have a feeling she does this not maliciously but because she wishes to be her baby’s mom and needed while she is still here. (Totally guessing, I have no education but that’s what my gut says). Yes, she has crossed multiple set boundaries, and yes, you are justified in your responses. I really feel NAH with that last tidbit of information.

OP responded:

I don't think she is being malicious either, she does help us out a lot, she clearly cares about both of us very much and always brings us gifts and buys us dinner etc. I think that's why me and my bf both really struggle to stand up to her and make boundaries...

Spectator7778 wrote:

Time for the 3 of you to sit down and have an open conversation. Use therapy talk- “I feel…” “I appreciate…” “I would like us to …”

Listen with her cancer it’s possible she is panicking and taking care of her only child in what little way she can. Your boyfriend is the massive AH here for letting the two of you get frustrated with this when he can step up and clean putting both your worries to rest in one shot.

He’s handoff as far as your post describes. It’s not on you alone to clean. You are not his maid. If you see this relationship lasting then go into this with Grace. God only knows what she’s feeling with a fatal diagnosis.

OP responded:

My bf has been incredibly patient with both of us. He works and cleans a lot more than I do and has been incredibly helpful, esp. with my recent diagnosis. I feel really bad putting him in the middle. I cant even imagine how difficult watching your mom die your whole life is, and I dont want to make things even more difficult for him.