'AITA for snapping at my husband for the haircut he asked ME for?'

"AITA for snapping at my husband for the haircut he asked me for?"

I, 24f, am married to 23m, let’s call him “Adam." Though very happily married, we are definitely the stereotypical opposites attract couple and both neurodivergent. I am more the academic type and a musician/music teacher for work. He’s the standard blue collar country boy.

Here’s where I get into the main issue: I do longer self care and beauty routines, and have extremely long curly hair. He also has curly hair but HATES doing anything for his appearance other than soap in the shower, literally, to his own aesthetic detriment.

For example, he has dry visibly flaky skin but won’t moisturize unless I ask him to. Do I care how he looks? No. But HE does, and is very insecure, and always complains but never wants to put in any effort.

Now we get to the reason I made a post. Because of the spots he’s balding and the curls, he really looks better with hair that’s a little longer on top. Not super long, but enough that you can sweep it to the side for coverage. He likes his hair buzz cut short. So I fade the sides and keep the top a little longer for a happy medium.

The real problem is that he NEVER STYLES HIS HAIR. He expects his haircut to be the only factor in how good it looks, then gets frustrated when his bangs hang down or the sides stick up. If he literally just brushed it then used a product for hold like gel, that would do it. Now here’s where I may be the AH.

Because I’m telling you, if I left this man to his own devices, it would be detrimental. But again - let me emphasize - if he didn’t care about his appearance, neither would I. So when I cut his hair today, I spent a while researching the best cut we’d both like and I spent so much time on it at first.

Then when I used scissors to trim the top instead of the razor he stopped me and started arguing that it should be shorter. I offered to make it shorter afterward if he’d let me just finish and show him my idea. He starts pulling on random hairs to show how long they are and begs me to chop them all off.

So FINE. I cut it way shorter than I ever wanted to, and he still insisted it was too long (I’m talking max 2 inch length.) After he washed his hair I tried to help him to style it, but I got angry and frustrated. His hair was now too short to style, but too long to lay properly. I got more and more angry, and probably aggressive with my movements and had to stop fixing his hair.

He asked why I could get so angry at him and said he could do his hair himself if it bothered me so much. I snapped at him and said “if having hair is such a bother to you, I apparently have to do all the work for you, so you don’t get tired of it, and maybe I won’t have to cut it all off next time.”

Now I went to the treadmill to walk off some frustration. I feel a bit better but this is awful and I know I hurt his feelings. So let me have it, AITA? Note: again, I don’t have a problem with cutting the hair the way he wants it cut. I have a problem with him deciding he doesn’t like it or feel like dealing with it later even after put in the effort to follow his directions.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

ScarletNotThatOne said:

ESH. He asked for your help and then wouldn't let you. And you got mad at him for not doing his hair the way you want him to.

Waste_Worker6122 said:

He's an adult - if he doesn't like his appearance but refuses to do anything about it, well too bad for him. Sounds like he needs to see a therapist. You aren't a trained barber so why are you cutting his hair? ESH.

amberallday said:

YTA - Only because this is one of those things that you need to stop trying to solve for him. He’s not open to your help. He is not interested in daily styling activities. So you cannot help him in the way that YOU want.

He might say that he wants “hairstyle One”, but if he isn’t willing to maintain it daily, then he doesn’t want it ENOUGH! Which means he needs to figure out a “hairstyle Two” option that he’s happy “enough” with + it doesn’t need daily attention.

This is what you need to figure out when you are in a relationship - what do their actions say, what do their words say, and are those 2 things in agreement? If not, you generally need to believe the actions are more truthful than the words.

thatkittykatie said:

ESH. Cut it exactly the way he wants, and tell him he doesn’t get to blame you if he doesn’t like it. Maybe he will like it. If it’s as bad looking as you think it’ll be, he’ll realize he was wrong. Hair grows back. Let him decide for himself whether he likes it as short as he wants it.

becoming_maxine said:

YTA. You aren't going to be able to force him out of his hair style. That is his rut and he has built a bomb shelter at the bottom of it.

He isn't into change and what you want is a big change. If you can't be OK with what he wants he should just go to a barber and take this anxiety causing issue out of your hands.

fuzzy-lint said:

Gently, YTA. When you are getting frustrated and can’t communicate your feelings calmly, it’s time to step away and take a breather. Come back and talk when you can be reasonable and explain why you are upset without snapping or name calling or anything disrespectful.

I think it sounds like it’s time for him to start going to a barber for his haircuts! I cut my husband’s hair myself and if he were as difficult as your partner is being, I’d decline the pleasure.