'AITA for snapping at my wife because she keeps wishing our kids had my features?'

"AITA for snapping at my wife because she keeps wishing our kids had my features?"

I am a 30 year old Belgian (Flemish) guy and my wife is 28 and Chinese. We already have two sons, one is five and the other is one, and she is pregnant again with our third boy.

For context, I am blond with blue eyes and my wife has black hair and brown eyes. She is also quite tall for a woman, about 5’8 or 173 cm, and very pale, even lighter than me. Our oldest ended up with brown hair and green eyes, and our second surprised us by coming out blond and blue eyed.

Since the day he was born she keeps saying how lucky he is to have blue eyes and blond hair. At first I thought it was just her way of complimenting him but it has not really stopped.

Now that she is pregnant again she keeps saying things like “Wouldn’t it be great if this one also had blond hair and blue eyes.” It started to rub me the wrong way so one day I told her I actually hope this kid has dark hair and brown eyes because it would be cool if he looked like her for once.

She did not take it well and said I was overreacting. She said I twisted her words and that she does not favor one look over another. According to her I should not have thrown that at her.

But from my side, I don’t think I said anything wrong. Sure, I admit I said it on purpose to give her a taste of her own medicine, but it’s also true that both our sons don’t really show strong Chinese features, and I honestly think it would be nice if our third son looked more like her. That said, I’ll love him either way. So, AITA?

Later, OP edited the post to include:

Just to be clear, do not worry about my eldest. I always tell him how beautiful he is, and I mean it every time. I love reminding him how amazing his brown hair and green eyes are. He is a gorgeous kid and I make sure he knows it.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

anoby_rand said:

NTA, my mum spent my childhood saying she wished I had got my dad’s blue eyes and black curly hair instead of her brown eyes and brown dead straight hair. She unintentionally made me feel ugly for years, which confused me because I thought my mum was beautiful. Those insecurities 100% get passed down when they are vocalized, especially when it’s frequent.

I should add, my mother was one of the most amazing women I’ve ever known, she just thought she had let me down with her genetics because of how little she saw in herself. It made me sad when I realized, didn’t hurt my relationship with her, only my relationship with myself.

Fair_Theme_9388 said:

This can’t be the first time in your entire marriage/relationship that she’s displayed her preference for blonde hair and blue eyes. She married you, didn’t she? Of course you’re NTA, but be prepared for her to show favoritism to your children who don’t resemble her.

danandhercats said:

NTA and I hope your kids never get to hear that. I can only imagine how bad they'll feel if they are not the blonde one. She's allowed to have preferences and it's normal to want your kids to resemble your partner, considering it's the person you love the most, but this sounds too specific and weird.

Besides you already have kids, she can't talk about them as if they were labubus with accessories you can pick.

asianlaceangel said:

nta. not only is she constantly bringing it up which could also be affecting your first son’s image of himself since he does not have those features, you’re enforcing a principle that no matter what you’ll love your kids.

Glinda-The-Witch said:

I think a lot of people wish for something other than what they have. If you have curly hair and always wanted straight hair. If you’re really short and wanted to be tall. The blonde hair, blue eyed thing is common to wish for.

The important thing is not to treat one child differently because of their features. Your wife does need to understand that saying these things out loud where her children might hear could hurt them in ways she doesn’t realize.