'AITA for snooping through my friend's texts to confirm my suspicions?'
"AITA for snooping through my friend's text messages to confirm my suspicions that ALL my friends secretly hate me?"
Hi all. I, 28F, have a group of 3 girlfriends ranging in their early to late 30s. We have been friends for about 5 years, and met at work. Conveniently, the link to us all being friends was me befriending one and introducing them to the rest over time. It is fair to say we are all very good friends.
We take vacations together, we try to plan gatherings to celebrate each other's accomplishments and birthdays. For the past 6 months, I have been feeling a hunch that they secretly do not like me. From being passive aggressive via text when trying to get together, trying to gentle parent me, to as far as leaving me out of spontaneous trips.
I first got a hunch when I had sent a text shortly before one of the snow storms the east coast was going to have asking if anyone wanted to take advantage of the fresh snow to go skiing. The responses were akin to "it's bitter cold, why would I want to do that?" to as bitter as " what day do we have available this week to do that? None."
I tried not to think too much into it, however outside the four of us I included one of my friends that is acquaintances to the others but very good friends with me. I got a private text saying, "I wanted to ski but they were pretty mean to you and I didn't want them to jump on me too". Confirming that I wasn't just taking it too personal, but someone else agreed that the exchange was pretty unkind.
At the beginning of this month, it was one of our friend's birthdays. We were all trying to figure out what to do, and we settled on a ticketed brunch show in the city. I did not initially jump to buy the tickets, because one person could not go and I was not sure if it was a "all or none" situation. When I confirmed the week of, the birthday girl confirmed that was what she wanted to do.
I purchased 3 tickets, expecting me and the other friend to split the birthday girl's ticket (common thing we do when we celebrate birthdays - the birthday girl does not pay for anything). This cost me around $150, and the tickets were non-refundable and non-transferable since the name on the ticket had to match your ID to get into the venue.
The very next day, I get a text from the birthday girl saying "Since (other friend) had a last minute travel responsibility to the west coast for work, I am just going to go with her. You can come if you want, but we leave tomorrow".
I completely understand wanting to have fun for your birthday especially if things change, but LAST NIGHT you told me to buy these tickets and now I am out $150 and I no longer have a fun weekend to be with my *supposed* good friends as I had no notice to spend well over $1000. Here is where I feel I may be the asshole, but maybe the ends justify the means.
I had recently relocated for the past 3 months and occasionally still stop by the area we all relatively reside to tie up loose ends. I asked the birthday girl if I could stop by for lunch, and she agreed. When I had arrived, she was in the bathroom finishing up after a shower and I had noticed that her phone was downstairs, unlocked and in a text thread.
I decided to go to the search bar and type in my name, and behold.... a plethora of vile things that she has been discussing with the other two friends.
They were discussing how shitty my parents were, stating "they just don't know how to parent" "they allow her to mooch off of them", and as far as discussing a traumatic event I had informed them off regarding COCSA that I was a victim of and saying things akin to "she should just grow up and get over it."
While I have been relocated, there has been a separate group chat created at my expense with statements like "she's going to be pissed that we are hanging out with X, but we aren't gonna tell her" "she's probably so mad that she's not going out to the west coast but oh well, I don't care."
Now I know that it was completely wrong to go into someone's phone, I know I had violated their privacy. But in the end, it confirmed my suspicions to be true and I feel so hurt and humiliated by the things they said not only about me, but my parents as well.
I cannot bring up the things they have said given how I found out, but seeing how fake they are to my face I don't want to keep up a fake facade as well. AITA? How do I move forward?
Let's see what commenters had to say.
You immediately ghost them 100% and move on.
You should go into the gc your in, and say someone told you all the things that were said about you and ruin the friendship form the inside because they will accuse each other of snitching also shame them for making fun of an abuse victim
Some friend groups are toxic. Personally, whenever I find myself in a friend group where shitting on one of the members is the norm? I leave. Because in my experience, once that person gets iced out, they’ll just pick someone new to target.
These girls use bullying as a bonding experience. I’m so sorry you experienced this in such a traumatic way, but I promise: you are worth more and better. And they? Are going to cannibalize each other.
They're no longer your friends. They just don't have the guts to tell you. Instead, they're mean and sarcastic. Ghost them. Don't make it a big deal. Just stop contacting them.
YTA. Four people don't just randomly start hating someone for no reason. Look at the comment about your parents not knowing how to raise you. No one just randomly says that unless you did something that makes them question it.
I mean, we all know someone who does dickish things and then act like they aren't in the wrong. This might be an example of that jerk (you) who literally does not know what they are doing is unacceptable.
fritzcaviar OP:
They made the comment in regards to them paying for a hotel across the street from my job during a state of emergency. I was willing to drive the typical 30 minute commute, and they said they would pay for a hotel for me if I would take it. Why would I say no?
So tell me - how does this make me a jerk? And questioning MY parents parenting? Meanwhile her parents beat the living shit out of her and her siblings, CPS involvement etc and that made her “tough” and therefore I am less than for being cared for? You’re unwell to sit there and think its acceptable.