'Something physical went on between my husband and my sister. What do I do?' UPDATED 2X

When you notice a sudden and radical change in your partner's behavior, it's reasonable to feel concerned.

"Something went on between my (F32) husband (M32) and my sister (F26). What do I do?"

Yesterday morning my husband quickly got a bag ready without me seeing, came to me and told me my sister sucked him off, and that he thought it would be best if he left for awhile and gave me space.

That was it.

I've pretty much been left in the dark since. He seemed very stressed and upset. I just stood there a little dumbfounded.

My sister has been going through a very hard time the last few weeks and has spent a lot of time at ours, initially with her partner but around a week ago they started having issues so she just came and unloaded their problems.

She came over Sunday night and ended up staying over. But I didn't notice them slipping away together at any time. So far the only communication Ive had with my husband has been about our child.

I've asked him over and over whats going on and all he tells me is he is still trying to figure it out. What is there to figure out? I cant believe that just like that everything I know is in tatters. Everything we've built together, everything we have, he's chosen to throw it all away. And to just tell me like that and leave, I’m totally heartbroken.

I never in a million years saw this coming. I also thought me and my sister had a stronger relationship as well, the betrayal from her has me feeling so lost right now.

I've seen many a horror story on here with infidelity and stupidly now I’m in this situation I have absolutely no idea where I go from here?

I know everyone will tell me to leave him, but its more complicated when there's kids/houses/a business involved. And I don't even know whats went on, no one will talk to me. The mental pictures are driving me insane. I'm not ready to talk to friends or family yet so I’m asking wtf do I do? Restarting life at 32 sounds like a nightmare.

****Edit: Many people suggesting I move money/ restrict accounts. In a pathetic move I text him again to ask whats going on and to please talk to me before I contact lawyers and secure my accounts, thinking this would get a reaction.

He replied simply saying do what I need to do and that he can come back tonight to explain what happened. Depending on how this goes I may or may not make an update post. I just don't get why Im getting the runaround.

People had a lot to say in response.

Glittered_Kat2112 wrote:

This is a horrible situation, and it's totally okay to feel overwhelmed and lost right now. Put yourself first and reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for support. They can listen and help you figure out what to do next.Remember, you don't have to go through this alone.

OP responded:

Thank you. I know I will have to at some point. Just now the embarassment is winning.

HilMickaelson wrote:

I think your sister wanted company in her misery and ruined your marriage on purpose. Or she was jealous of your life and wanted to take you out of her way.

Have you talked with your sister and her partner? Try to get more details from them, but talk through messages or in a public place while recording the conversation. All the proof of the affair might help you during divorce proceedings. Do you know if your husband is with your sister? Have you informed your parents about what happened?

Your family should find out about what happened through you. Don't let your sister control the narrative and play the victim. I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this. You need to roll up your sleeves and take action ASAP. Get tested because he might have cheated on you before, and you don't know if their affair involved more than just a BJ.

Contact a lawyer to start divorce proceedings and a custody agreement. You need to fight for your and your kids' rights. He is a cheater, and he showed no respect for you. He is keeping you in the dark on purpose because he might still be with your sister. So, don't give him second chances because you deserve better than him.

OP responded:

So this has actually been an issue with my family since I started dating him. He comes from a very well off family and does pretty well for himself. My sister has never shown signs of jealousy but with others its definitely been an issue before.

I haven't. He's refusing to talk about it. Sisters just blocking my calls and texts completely. I don't think he is with her, her partner would have told me. God I never even thought about testing. I f-ing hate this.

Equal_Leadership2237 wrote:

His reaction sounds like a “how the f did this happen” type of thing, and likely quite recent. Not so much like a “leaving to be with her” thing. To the point he doesn’t sound like he even knows how things got here based on his reaction. Any night your husband was drinking recently? Was your husband wasted, and you weren’t around (even just asleep)?

Chances are, whatever night that was is the night this happened. His reaction, from the run away to the “trying to figure it out” sounds like someone who hooked up while dr*nk that they would never do sober and can’t wrap their head around it (I’ve been there). This isn’t excusing him, just trying to explain and give you some clues as to when this was more likely to have happened.

Love_Lyren12419 wrote:

This sucks, and it's totally okay to feel lost and confused right now. Take care of yourself first and foremost.Try talking to a therapist or counselor to help you sort through everything and figure out your next steps.You've got this, and you're not alone.

OP responded:

The only thing I know for sure right now is that I’ll be going to therapy. Thank you. I honestly feel like the world's going on around me and I'm just stuck in a bubble watching.

gigigalaxy wrote:

I think you should withdraw money from your accounts. They might drain them and use them for whatever it is they're doing.

OP responded:

I have looked at our accounts and nothing has been taken since he left. Will be keeping a close eye though thanks.

giag27 wrote:

Where is your husband staying? Where is your sister? Have you spoken to her?

OP responded:

No idea. I thought his parents but he's not there. Assuming shes home. Her partner hasn't been in touch to say if anything odd is going on there. She wont answer calls or texts.

Two days later, OP shared a major update.

I wasn't going to do this, but I have had, and am still getting lots of comments and messages for an update so here we are. I've since spoken to my sister. Husband came home that night as well. He packed a bag with more stuff and sat down with me and told me what happened. We have rentals and he was staying in one that's currently empty.

A lot of you were right, my sister straight up ass**lted him.

Ill try and keep this short but I’ll add some extra details I missed on my first post to clear things up.

This all happened on Sunday. She has been going through a lot the past month so this has been a regular thing and the past few weeks things were getting worse with her partner, so lots of venting. She said several times that night she didn't want to go back home. And told us that before she left she also told her partner not to try and contact her because she was going out to get a break from him.

My husband smokes a TON of cann*bis and this year started buying the oil I think it is and making his own caping cartridges (illegal country that's why he makes his own) He mixes various strengths for during the day and much stronger ones for the afternoon. The whole night he was on the strong one and passed it around. We were all definitely feeling it so I stopped and they continued well into the night.

I said Im getting ready to call it a night and everyone agreed. I got up to see to the dogs, we have a litter of puppies that we've setup space for in the garage. I was gone maybe 5 minutes. Came back out to my husband on his own. Said my sister was in a bad way with the oil so she went to bed. That's when we went to bed. He got up in the morning and left.

My husband said this was when it happened. Out of nowhere she grabbed the waist of his trousers, yanked them down and went to town. Went as far as to actually grab his hands as if to stop him going anywhere. It lasted maybe 5 seconds before he managed to get up. He asked her wtf she was doing, she just said sorry and went to bed.

I knew going into this I was probably going to get lied to but fortunately we have security cameras all around the house and the whole ordeal was on camera. He pulled it up on the Ipad and showed me. I didn't actually want to see the act, but he insisted. He's terrified even with proof he’s still going to be labeled as if he pursued this. He thinks that I’m going to leave him regardless and that he deserves it.

He's scared he’s lost his family and everything we have.

My sister's partner left his last relationship due to infidelity and my husband is ill over the fact that he feels responsible for it happening again. My husband is okay but feels totally guilty in all of this and doesn't want the fallout to happen at all.

He wishes everyone could just forget it ever happened and go on like normal and Ive told him there's no way that's going to happen. I finally got to talk to my sister. She hadn't blocked me, just ignored my calls and texts. We text her through my husband's phone and while doing that I noticed she had actually text him a few times since this happened.

Literally just a chain of:

"Im so sorry I've f-ed up"

"I'm so sorry I don't know what happened"

Still nothing to me. Anyway, she called we put her on speaker and I asked her what happened, thinking she was going to lie, but she ended up saying the same thing my husband did. She couldn't give me a reason as to why. She cried the entire phone call.

Woe is me, we all hate her now etc. but yeah, no reason, she doesn't know why she done it, it was the biggest mistake of her life. Apparently she called in sick for work and has just spent the days driving around aimlessly, hoping a freak accident would take her out. I lost it, went completely apes*** on her. My husband kept trying to defuse it which just got me more annoyed.

We had it out because I felt like he was defending her. His argument is that she is obviously not in a great place and he doesn't want anyone in the position that they feel like they need to hurt themselves or worse. This did not calm me down and Im not proud of it but I did go on to send her several texts telling her exactly what I thought of her.

We also told her to speak to her partner because we plan to tomorrow, and it would be much better coming from her than from us. My husband really does not want to have that conversation with him. So that's pretty much where were at. An utter s**tshow. Me and my husband will get through it together I've made sure he knows I'm on his side. Will suggest therapy for him but ultimately its his choice.

I don't see my sisters partner sticking around. Our kids are very close and see each other a lot, Im not really sure what will happen there, but it's not fair on the kids losing out on that relationship. We have a lot to work out. Thank you for all your comments. A lot of you actually said this is what it sounded like happened so I was sure to be as understanding as I could be. Wish us luck.

Not long after posting, OP shared another update.

Edit: To expand a bit on the cameras. Yes, in the back of my head I know the cameras are there, but they were there before we moved in and I really don't think about them. They're only outside the house.

I have no idea how to actually check recorded footage, husband has always dealt with them. And I had no idea when, or where this actually happened. I have told him he has every right to press charges, but he's adamant he does not want the police or anything involved.

People had a lot to say in response.

Mytuucents8819 wrote:

It’s SA! If your husband wants to file a police report YOU SHOULD SUPPORT HIM. ALSO LOTS OF THERAPY. AND NO CONTACT WITH YOUR SISTER! She’s disgusting.

OP responded:

I have mentioned to him that it can be taken further but he doesn't want police etc involved.

mfruitfly wrote:

It is great that you are supporting your husband here, but I want to give you some insight in to victims. They often try and minimize what happened both for themselves (aka it wasn't that bad, I'll be fine) and also because it is embarrassing. So he isn't "defending" her, he is reacting in ways to protect himself.

Think about if something happens to you in public, like a friend plays a prank and pours a drink on you. You may try and laugh it off and even in that moment tell yourself "this was supposed to be funny, it's funny!" and then later you process how bad it made you feel. There are lots of situations where people minimize as a way to shake it off/act how they think people want them to act/protect their feelings.

Your husband doesn't WANT to be the victim of SA, so he is downplaying it. Don't get mad at him for that, just be gentle and remind him that he didn't consent, what she did was terrible, he shouldn't be ashamed, and you are here for him. You also have to take his lead on therapy, the authorities, and in general in talking about/processing what happened.

You have to get your own head straight (not that you don't) that you have visual evidence that he was sexually assaulted and who did it. You say your husband knows you are on his side, but even in your post, that's not really clear?

You have gotten annoyed at him, you have said you are telling your sister's partner even though your husband isn't sure...you need to center your husband and not yourself in the next steps. You are right to be mad, furious, and out for blood. But your husband needs you to be calm, even, and caring.

Talk to another very trusted friend about your own feelings and how to process them, because you also need support, but your husband is the victim here, and you need to put him first at every step.

Do not tell your sister's partner until your husband is ready, do not push him further than he is ready, and when that is frustrating to you, be calm with him and then go rant to that ONE trusted person so you can get the support you need.

BeyondXpression wrote:

This is the kind of story that really brings to light how men feel about SA. I don't blame your husband for not wanting to press charges, but I also feel bad he's stuck in that situation because I feel like he should...

It's not my family and not my life, but please...continue to listen to him and support whatever decision he's going to make from here on out. Such a nightmare. I'm really rooting for everything to turn out for the best and that the two of you can find closure and hopefully he goes to THERAPY. Sending love your way, OP.

Venotica wrote:

Wow. I’m so sorry this happened OP but very grateful it was NOT an affair. It sounds like your husband loves you very very much and truly had no idea how to process what had happened to him at first (very understandable considering what has happened). He was fully SA’d. Oil is no joke, I’ve been completely immobile or out of it on it before, fully passed out, etc. Sister should be ashamed of herself.

Absolutely horrible. Thank you for the update and I’m wishing the best for your marriage moving forward. Sister sounds like a hot mess and the misery loves company type. I know hubby doesn’t want to feel like he’s the cause of you and the sister's relationship imploding— keep emphasizing he’s not. It’s your sisters actions that led to all of this.

Let her stew in her guilt and drive aimlessly, cry, whatever. She deserves to feel all of it and then some. She orally raped her sisters partner. I hope she never forgets the shame and guilt she feels. Y’all could probably press charges against her considering the overwhelming amount of evidence (she admitted what she did via text and there’s video proof).