Father wears armor to hug violent son in heartbreaking therapy breakthrough. AITA? + UPDATE
"My 8 year old son hates me, and I don't understand why."
I used to believe that your relationship with your children was a given. To clarify.....I believed that as long as you treated your children with love, they were guaranteed to love you back, and that the most you had to worry about if you did the right things was some kind of terrible illness or accident that ended them early.
I'm here today to warn you that's not true. There are worse possible outcomes. My son is 8 years old, and I can not be in the same room as him without being attacked. He will scratch, hit, and bite me constantly until we are separated. He bites as hard as he can, my arms are 50% bruises right now from partially healed wounds. I have done nothing to deserve this, and I've tried everything to reach him.
I've tried love, discipline, ignoring him, reasoning....nothing sticks and as the years have gone on its only gotten worse. He's already in therapy, we've already tried to get him diagnosed with something, we've tried meds, we've tried no meds. We don't know what's going on, nor does his therapist or doctors.
On Thursday I watched a movie. "About time" very bittersweet movie about how time is limited and we need to enjoy it while we can. There's a scene where a boy of about 8 is playing on the beach with his father for the last time, enjoying one last beautiful day together. I absolutely lost it. My son only communicates with me through violence.
Last night.....I finally gave up. I cried for hours and let go of any expectation I had of having a loving relationship with him. He's 8 years old and hates my guts. There are worse outcomes than outliving your children. Please don't take your loved ones for granted.
Edit: Thank you to everyone for the advice. We are getting a second psych evaluation soon so I'll write a 2nd post with results of that. Many of you are absolutely convinced someone else is abusing him, and are unwilling to accept evidence to the contrary.
There is no sign of anyone in his life abusing him, nor is there much opportunity. When he's not at school he's with us, save for a few rare occasions where we get a trusted, close-family babysitter to go on a date.
We've asked him if anyone is hurting him or touching him and he has said no, and we make sure both our kids understand what's inappropriate and know they should tell us of anyone tries anything like that. This is the least likely possibility.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
There is something very wrong with your son, please keep pushing for a diagnosis! This isn’t normal. I hope you get answers soon!
How is the relationship between your son and his mother?
ExplanationCrazy5463 (OP)
Mostly normal, except the added strain of how he treats me. We have a healthy loving marriage and a daughter as well. Everything outside my son is as you'd expect.
Don't lose hope. I was in a similar situation with mine. He would hug me just to pinch me. It was a constant attempt to harm me. I was sure I would be stabbed when he turned 13. I saw the movie, We Need to Talk about Kevin, and swore it was taken from my life. We had many therapists. We tried medication, which made things worse.
I had to learn how to have endless patience and resign to loving someone who doesn't love me back. He just turned 15 and we are now close. He loves me. I love him. It took so much work, time, listening, and understanding to get here. Don't give up. Know that you are not alone.
Three months later, the OP returned with an update.
Hello, some of you folks asked for an update when I first posted, including some who seemed to feel lost in a similar situation. I'd like to thank the insane people on my last post who told me to give up on my son. The laughs were therapeutic. (and also please never have kids of your own).
We took him to get evaluated again as it was pretty clear what we were dealing with was more than just ADHD. It took us a while to find a place we thought would do it right this time, then it took some more time to get a slot, but today we got the official diagnosis.
He has ADHD, and a severe version of it, but he's also mildly autistic. On top of this he has high anxiety and signs of depression. Some of you were suggesting PANDAS and ODD, and he does seem to have some of those symptoms, but like the autism, there are things about him that don't fit those diagnoses.
There are things about him that aren't typical of autism, for instance he loves being social, these inconsistencies and the fact he was younger and had severe ADHD which masked the autism made an autism diagnosis difficult at that time.
So why does he hate me?
As best I understand it so far, this is what happened:
When he was halfway into kindergarten is when it started. His disabilities caused him to struggle as compared to his peers, which led to feelings of inadequacy. Being 5, he didn't have the tools to handle that, so he began coming home from school and destroying the house as a way to express his feelings.
We would try to reason with him patiently but he wouldn't hear it, we tried many other ways of helping him, but the house was getting destroyed and the only thing that would het him to stop would be sharp, loud commands from my scary male voice. "STOP THAT". So that's what I would do every time he started acting up, because that's what worked.
What I was doing, though I didn't know it, was using his anxiety to scare him into behaving better. As time went on and I continued this, I became this scary figure in his life to be feared, the anxiety built, until it became a complicated hate.
So where are we now?
He doesn't attack me on sight, usually, which is an improvement.
But when I come home from work he often wants to be alone in his room now. When we go out in public things are better, but at home the anxiety he attaches to me is still present, though not as intense.
How did I fix it?
First, I stayed away. I let things chill out for a few weeks, and when he would attack me, instead of getting angry and punishing him, defending myself by shoving him off me, I remained calm and had my wife correct him instead.
Then, I decided I needed to talk to him about all this. I knew that going to his room meant immediate bleeding on my part, so I would armor up in a winter coat and gloves, enter his room, and calmly fend his attacks off.
It would end with me restraining him on the floor and just taking to him about his behavior, and why it lead to my behavior, amd why I never meant to be scary but I had to be scary to stop the madness.
This had a little bit of a positive effect, but it took a long time, I did this routine for weeks without much progress. He would attack me, I would restrain him, I would talk and ask him to open up, and he would be silent.
Then I finally found something that clicked. I told him I loved him and always would, and that I thought he was a special and talented kid, and that I would always be proud of him. He cried in my arms and got angry and wanted me to stop, but I pushed through.
So then for a couple weeks after that, I kept letting him know that, and over time his reaction to it became normalized, which is how I knew he really believed and understood it.
Now we have a routine I call daddy therapy time, and when I come in his room and say let's talk, he gets straight like a pencil on his bed and I kinda compress him into the bed, and his head hangs off which he likes for some reason. He has been opening up gradually and actually talking instead of just me talking.
Some days are still hard, he still takes everything out on me, but that's ok, better me than anyone else, that's my job. I still get bit and scratched but less often now, and I think things will continue to be 2 steps forward, one step back. For you overwhelmed parents out there.....keep trying, there's hope.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Highly highly recommend getting your son a weighted blanket. The right weight is 10% of his weight. These help autistic folks due to the compression. It helps them sleep, soothes anxiety and has been a saving tool of a friend.
Nothing worked for him to sleep properly his whole life then he got a weighted blanket & slept all night for the first time in decades, maybe ever, he's unsure. He told me it's greatly relieved his anxiety & doesn't worry about many things that happen anymore. Best of continued success & joy for your family.
Let this be a PSA for everyone- be extremely discerning when picking out a place to get psychological testing done. And then get another round done at another place if your kid/you are not improving or if you're at all doubtful of the results. The difference between good psych testing and bad psych testing is years of your kid's/your life wasted.
I hope both kiddos get therapy, not just the son but OPs daughter too.
I applaud parents out there who are willing take a challenge to raise their children the best they can despite how tough things are. It ain't easy but the commitment and compassion is what makes it important and amazing. OP is a very swell father and his son is very lucky to have him be there just for him. I wish them all well.