'AITA for refusing to talk to my son and husband until they apologize to my MIL?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to talk to my son and husband until they apologize to my MIL?"

My MIL Sandra (69F) is a "weird" woman, (she refers to herself as that). She has random outbursts, hyper fixations, tics and struggles immensely with social cues. She hasn't been diagnosed with anything, so I won't speculate. When I first met my husband's family, I noticed that all of them (except my husband) made fun of Sandra and her "quirks."

For example, we were having dinner one night, and my MIL couldn't stop talking about flowers (she loves plants and nature, and is super knowledgeable about it). My SIL made a comment making fun of her, and everybody at the table laughed about it. Sandra got extremely embarrassed and didn't talk for the rest of the night.

This kind of behaviour is normal in the family, and I despise it. I get so angry whenever someone makes fun of Sandra, because she is just such a kind, lovely woman that I just can't fathom why they do that. I've had a lot of conversations about this with my husband, and even fights when he laughs about the "jokes."

We have a son (15m) named Alex, and my biggest fear is becoming true. Alex has started to pick up the behaviour around him and has been laughing of Sandra. I've talked to him about why laughing at her is bullying, how that behaviour is inappropriate, etc., but Alex doesn't seem to care.

Two weeks ago, we went to see Sandra. My BIL and SIL were there along their families. Sandra looked very happy. While catching up, she randomly started clapping (one the tics that appear when she is excited). My BIL made a comment poking fun of her and the whole family laughed including my husband and Alex. Sandra got teary eyed and had to excuse to herself to the bathroom.

I have never been more furious. While in our way home, I chewed my husband and son out, and told them to not speak to me until they apologize to Sandra. I told them that I don't want to hear a single word directed to me until they reflect on how their actions are hurtful and disgusting.

Two weeks have passed and I haven't spoke to them. Not a single word, because they have made 0 attempts on apologizing to Sandra. My husband is telling me that I'm being petty and hurting Alex. He is also mad at me for "valuing my relation with Sandra more than my relation with them". In my mind, I am not doing that, but husband says that I am being an AH. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

MyRockySpine said:

NTA at all! So if I have the dynamics correct, your husband bullies his mother, your son is now bullying his grandma and basically everyone else in the family bullies her just because she gets happy over things and expresses it differently and likes to talk to about things that make her happy? They are mean to her to the point she cries and they all think this is ok!?

NOPE!!!! Your husband has trained your son to be a bully and that laughing and watching other people hurt is funny. This was painful to read. I can’t imagine how many years poor Sandra has had to live with being treated this way. I hope she knows that you love and accept her just the way she is.

Highland_dame said:

They are bullying a woman who clearly is neurodivergant. It's disgusting, I am with you. Both need to learn not to pick on disabled people. I would also be questioning my marriage too, if I were you.

brazentory said:

NTA. Your husband is being a horrible influence. Take your son out for lunch. Ask him what a bully is? Ask him how he’d feel to be made fun every time family sees her. Ask him should jokes make people cry? Tell him you are so disappointed in him and you know he’s smarter than this.

Tell him his dad and family are bullies. Ask him how would it feel if people made fun of you, his mother? Tell your husband you decided you won’t participate in anything with the family until he stops being an insensitive bully.

sturglemeister said:

NTA but make a scene in person next time. Don't wait for the car ride home, ask them what's so funny, force them to explain how they are bad people.

OP responded:

I do say things like "Don't say that" or "Please respect Sandra", but I won't make a scene. I already commented this, in my first year of knowing the family I did try to stop the behaviour. I went as far as having a meeting with my BIL and SIL to explain them why I think that what they are doing is horrible, but they got incredibly mad at me, and said that I had no right to accuse them of bullying their mother.

Trilobyte141 said:

NTA. "He is also mad at me for 'valuing my relation with Sandra more than my relation with them.'" When you feel like talking to them again, or texting them at least, try this:

"It's not about MY relationship with Sandra. It's about the kind of person our impressionable teenage son is becoming - the kind who thinks it's fine to mock people for being different even when it's harmless.

He is watching you hurt your own mother to the point that she cries in a bathroom while you laugh about it, and he is learning that that is how to treat his own mother someday. As his mother and as your wife, I'm disgusted that you're modeling and encouraging this behavior and I will not accept it anymore, period."

OP responded:

I am literally going to text this to him right now. Thanks for the help!

And [deleted] said:

NTA, when I say this I mean no disrespect, but you’re not even blood related to the woman…and you’re the ONLY person who is respectful of this woman’s feelings. Like what the Hell is wrong with these people?! I’m sorry you’re the only mature person!

**MINOR UPDATES**

Update: Just wanted to say that I am stopping the silent treatment towards my son. I now realize that this is manipulative and bad parenting on my behalf. I will be taking Alex to have lunch with me, without his dad, so we can have a serious conversation about why his behaviour is disappointing.

Second Update: Just returned from having lunch with my son. I’m probably getting a divorce.