'AITA for speaking to my (overweight) assistant about her business lunch and making her cry?'

"AITA for speaking to my (overweight) assistant about her business lunch and making her cry?"

At the beginning of the year, I hired an assistant (we’ll call her Amy). Amy is great at what she does and I have already given her a raise because I felt she was underpaid for what she was doing. I’m working on several large deals, so I gave Amy the lead on one of them. She did an excellent job.

I set up a lunch appointment with that client on Friday. I told him I would be bringing Amy as she has been instrumental in their account. He did not have a problem with this. Amy was professional, knowledgeable and did an overall good job. The client and I were both impressed, with the exception of one thing.

The client and I both ordered burgers and fries. Amy ordered a steak- well done- mashed potatoes, steamed veggies and a side of soup. The client and I finished about the same time. It was another 15 minutes before Amy finished. Then the waitress came around and asked if we wanted dessert. The client and I both said no. Amy ordered cheese cake and coffee.

I realized that I hadn’t spoken to Amy about client lunches before, so after the meeting. I explained to her that it is best to follow the client’s lead. If they order simple food, we order simple food. If they decline desert, we decline desert. If we want something afterwards, we can pick it up later.

Amy did not take this well. At first, she offered to pay me back. I told her it was not a money issue. I have no problem buying her lunch but to keep in mind it’s about business. I told her I usually order wraps or burgers because they are not too messy (like spaghetti) and I can take small bites in case I’m asked a question. I can also match the client’s eating speed so there is no awkward waiting on either side.

Then she started crying, saying it is because she’s fat (her words not mine). I again told her it was about strategy. I thought she had great potential and I wanted to help guide her. I then told her about some of my past faux pas. For example, ordering spaghetti and getting it all on my shirt, or once I ordered first and ordered a cheese burger when the client was vegetarian and highly disgusted at me.

She was still upset when she left. I feel like an AH for bringing this to her attention but my intentions were good. I feel like she has great potential. The meal did not concern me as much as how she took instruction. Now I’m wondering if others think I was wrong for bringing it up at all.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Fit-Bumblebee-6420 wrote:

"Amy did not take this well. At first, she offered to pay me back. I told her it was not a money issue."

There is no way you can get someone who is determined to misunderstand you, to understand you. You did not comment on her weight and her theatrics speak to her and whatever she's dealing with internally. Professionally, this is a huge red flag for Amy. I know it is hard to hear especially given the crying and all that, but you are NTA.

thundernutz wrote:

NTA. Business lunches are weird. So many unwritten rules and pitfalls. As her boss, you offered advice and examples of mistakes made in the past. As her boss, it's literally your job to mentor and guide her in these situations.

Also, dessert has two S's. :)

mvms wrote:

I am also an overweight person. I would never ever think of ordering steak if I worked in a client-facing job and the client didn't order something fancy first! It wouldn't even occur to me to do so. I do understand that she may be feeling very sensitive about her weight, a lot of us fat people do, but not every conversation about food is an indictment.

If she wants to be in your field, she needs to know the strategy.

I also get why it didn't occur to you to have the food strategy meeting ahead of time, but I hope that if this happens again with someone else that you will do so.

Good_sea_1890 wrote:

NTA. It sounds like you approached it well, but in Amy's defense, I guarantee she has been constantly hounded about her weight by friends, family, complete strangers, and every company looking to make a quick buck through the weight loss gimmick of the moment.

Any attention on food, no matter how well-intentioned, is likely a huge trigger for her. I would take this with a grain of salt as to how well she responds to feedback.

makethatnoise wrote:

NTA. I've always followed the "order what they order" for any business meal (interview, client meeting, coworker outing, business dinner). It doesnt seem like you were intending to hurt her feelings, but to teach her something she may not know about the industry. It's concerning if her automatic response to constructive criticism is "**ITS BECAUSE IM FAT!!!*""

jimfish98 wrote:

NTA. Your comments are spot on for client meals and were aimed to help her move forward in her career. She has insecurities about her weight and it bubbled over, you are not responsible for that. Sometimes local business organizations hold etiquette dinners and such as training for this.

How plates move, which utensil to use with which meal, and even talks about matching clients actions are common discussions during the meals. You should see if there is something like that in your area, reiterate it is about business and nothing else and see if she would be interested in one of these dinners if you can find one.

Restate that this about her and her professional growth, that she has shown she can handle more and you would like to help her on that path.

character-taro-5016 wrote:

NTA. She needed to learn that a business lunch isn't really about the "eating" aspect of it, but the business aspect. You don't put a client in awkward situations like having to wait while you finish your Barauntosauris with baked potato and salad and soup, for lunch nonetheless. And then order dessert on top of that!

Part of me wanted to say that you could have let her learn in the same you did over time, but I have a feeling that might have never happened with her, and she needed to be told.