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Woman tells BF she made sacrifices by only drinking coffee and not eating during X-Mas with his family.

Woman tells BF she made sacrifices by only drinking coffee and not eating during X-Mas with his family.


Spending time with my boyfriend's family on Christmas was a sacrifice.

snallsacrifices writes:

I (26f) spent 22-26 of December with my bf’s (“Luke”) family, staying at his parents’ house along with his sister, her husband, and their kids.

It was a long few days to say the very least. It’s very cramped quarters (3 bedrooms, 1 full bathroom), and very different to my own family’s Christmas. Luke’s family, his mother especially, are not my biggest fan (totally fair, as we’re all very different), his niece and nephew are unruly, they eat food that I don’t, all in all, not what I would call a good time.

Nevertheless, I went to Christmas at Luke’s request and tried my best to make sure I was not a burden or embarrassment to Luke while he tried to spend time with his family.

Today, we left to go home, and tomorrow I will be going to see my mother for a few days before returning for New Year’s, when Luke and I will be attending my friend’s party. The party is a black tie event that Luke is not looking forward to as he doesn’t know/like anyone going besides me.

In the car on the way home, he joked that he really wasn’t looking forward to going. I joked back that I made a sacrifice going to his family for Christmas, so now it was his turn, and at least the party was only a few hours.

Luke got offended that I said seeing his family was a sacrifice and asked if I really meant that. I said yes, I did, obviously I did, since I pretty much subsisted on coffee for three days, his niece ruined a piece of my personalized luggage set, and his family clearly don’t like me.

I said I was happy to go for him, and I would do it again, but it wasn’t enjoyable for me beyond seeing him happy. This was apparently deeply offensive as he said he felt like he’d had a nice family Christmas and that I’d ruined the memories now that he knew I was pretending the whole time.

I’m a bit confused as to how he would think I legitimately enjoyed being cold, hungry, and having no privacy for days on end, and not being with my family for Christmas. But either way, it was a choice I was happy to make for him and it’s not the end of the world.

I don’t see how I’m the AH for pointing out (humorously and with no malice) that I made a sacrifice for Luke, but he’s been cold to me since I said it. Am I missing something here?

OP provided some clarity:

For anyone wondering about the food/why I mostly had coffee, I didn’t want to seem like a jerk for buying and cooking my own food while there.

Luke and I went to the store and I get a few snacks that I didn’t need to keep in the kitchen so as not to offend his family but obviously I couldn’t be eating those all the time. So at breakfast I had coffee, for lunch had another coffee/snack and for dinner I just ate what I could of whatever they were having (normally a bit of the side dishes).

I thought it would come across really rude to buy and then use their kitchen to cook myself a whole separate meal.

Here are some of the top comments:

ElephantNecessary366 says:

NTA (Not the A%#hole). Unless he is a moron, there would be no way for a SO not to know their family does not like their bf/gf. That fact alone and making them live in a cramped house with a number of people who are unruly, do not like them, exclude you from things, etc I would not be offended, but happy that you went in spite of it all and it is HIS job to stand up for you against his family for them to include you and accept you.

Guys do not usually look forward to anything where we need to get dressed up, however he does need to grow a set as all relationships are compromise and sacrifice. Plus, he should be happy to see you all dressed up and looking gorgeous. He needs to grow up because its ok for him to say your thing sucks but not ok for you to point out how his thing sucked for you?

Dr007Bond says:

NTA. Luke obviously thinks it was great to see his family. He's used to everything there. He did not see your POV. He's being thin skinned to not be able to understand you did not enjoy it as much as he did. He can suck it up and go the party for a few hours.

Next year (assuming you are still with Luke) and go to his family for Christmas, get a hotel room nearby and pop in to visit them during the day and then leave! Good luck OP

This one hits home for me, as I just had a very similar argument with my wife about this past Thanksgiving.

Cataclysmus78 says:

NTA. You told him your truth, while telling him it was ok to make that sacrifice. People don’t want to feel like they ‘owe’ someone something, but tend to lose sight of the whole nature of compromise, and how it’s a give-and-take.

InteractionNo9110 says:

Luke was trying to tell you he didn’t want to go to the party. He expected you to say. OK honey we won’t go if that makes you uncomfortable. He didn’t expect to get hit back with a nuclear truth bomb.

Seems Luke is perfectly fine with you being uncomfortable as long as he isn’t. If your long term goal is being married. Remember this red flag.

GXrtic says:

NTA... not even a little bit. You're obviously either a great actor or your BF is oblivious. Either way, good on you for sticking it out!

I HIGHLY recommend getting your own place when visiting people....particularly in-laws. As a general rule, I do not like staying with other people in their homes. There are certain daily routines that just do not benefit from additional people in a space.

What do you think? Was OP right to say that being with her BF's family is a sacrifice?

Sources: Reddit
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