'AITA for refusing to split my daughter's college fund to share with my step-kids?' UPDATED
"AITA for not splitting my daughter's college fund?"
When my (42F) daughter (17F) was 7, we lost her father to an avoidable accident. Due to that and the subsequent settlement, my daughter was able to have a trust fund of sorts that provided for college, grad school if she wanted, and even some left over for whatever life might bring.
It is money that - managed wisely - would enable her to have a head start in life. She knows about this and has never taken for granted given where the money came from. After all, we'd both rather have her father around than the money.
That said, life moves on and I remarried 6 years after my former husband's passing to a lovely man who has two children of his own (17F, 13M). All of the children live with us primarily with his children seeing their mother on vacations as she lives across the country.
This year, both our girls are graduating and should be headed to college. My daughter was admitted ED to her dream school last year and is ecstatic about it. Her father is an alumnus and she has this old sweatshirt of his that she kept to remind her of him. She cried so much when she got in and both her step father and I were proud of her because she worked hard to get in.
My step daughter will also be attending a wonderful school that is one the top ranked schools for her interests. The problem now arises with the money to pay for SD's school.
Because her parents cannot afford to pay the tuition in its entirety, SD will have to take some loans. All told, she will graduate with about $40K in loans which I think is still quite modest for the school she's attending and her earning prospects post graduation. But my daughter will graduate debt free and for my husband this is suddenly a problem.
He wants us to split up my daughter's fund between all three kids because then they could all (probably) have college fully paid for. My daughter won't have much left over and will definitely need to borrow for grad school - which she has expressed interest in attending - but, according to my husband, that's ok because everyone will start off on an equal footing post college.
I think this is unfair to my daughter because 1) her father had to die for this money and 2) this is like her inheritance from him. My husband thinks that they are all siblings and she should be happy to share the money with them if it means giving her siblings a head start in life.
I absolutely do not want to put her in the position of being guilted into saying yes if she doesn't want to. I have expressed all of this to my husband and he thinks that I'm being selfish, that I'm teaching my daughter to be selfish, and I obviously don't consider my SKs the same as my daughter. AITA for wanting to protect my daughter's trust for her as it was intended?
This is what people had to say to OP:
StAlvis said:
NTA. That settlement was for your deceased husband's children, not your future children, and certainly not someone else's.
OverRice2524 said:
NTA. No Way! He needs to provide for his kids. You have (tragically) provided for your kid. This is her money. Why hasn't he been saving for his kids education all along? He can cosign on his kids loans and pay them off. These are his kids and he and his ex-wife need to provide their educational expenses!
OP responded:
To be fair, he did save for his kids, but it won't fully cover. SD will need to take about $10-$15K give or take per year, although it could be less if she managed to get paid work during summers etc. We would also be happy to help her out here and there if needs be.
[deleted] said:
NTA. This is money from her dead father, this isn't money you've earned since becoming a stepmother. Your husband is being selfish here, the irony! He wants money that isn't his and is mad you won't capitulate.
You need to set a boundary around them asking your daughter. "If you go around my back and ask my daughter to split it, we will be getting a divorce." Boundaries require consequences that can be enforced.
NTA. Have your husband read the comments, so he can realize how much of an idiot he actually is.
OP responded:
That's kind of my plan tbh. I had hoped that I wasn't being anomalous in my thinking.
And Used_Mark_7911 said:
NTA. They’re didn’t contribute to the fund and have no rights to it. It’s appalling that they would pressure you or your daughter in any way about this. This is greedy and predatory behavior by your husband.
OP added this edit in response to comments:
Since I've seen this a few times already, both kids do have college funds but somewhat smaller because my husband and his ex got their finances together later in life.
So there is some money but with the caliber/COA of the school that SD will be attending, she will still need some loans to cover costs. I haven't brought up going to a cheaper school because that will be a fresh set of problems given where my daughter will be matriculating.
Then, three years later, OP shared this major update:
My daughter is now a junior at her father's alma mater and her dream school as planned. She's doing exceptionally well to her surprise but not mine. I always knew she was capable. I'm happy that she's starting to understand what I've always known.
She's told me that she plans to start studying for her LSAT because she wants to apply to law school senior year. I'm so immensely proud of the woman that she is becoming. I've never quite been able to get over that stab of grief that hits when I see her shining and know that her father will never be able to see her being an adult that we can be proud of.
As for the money, it stayed hers. That part I never wavered on but that was also the very thing that ended my marriage. Things fell apart even before the girls went to college. My ex-husband went to my daughter, against my explicit wishes, and tried to guilt her into sharing the money.
She came to me upset and that was it for me. Going behind my back and trying to pressure my teenage daughter into doing something that I had stated would not be happening? Unconscionable. We separated that fall, and the actual divorce was finalized this past summer.
My stepdaughter is also a junior at the school she was excited about but we have not spoken since the separation. I don't know if she blames me and my daughter or is trying to distance herself from the whole thing but it still hurts. My stepson still contacts me frequently so that's something.
I moved after the divorce was finalized so now I'm in a new city with a new job and a new house. It's been an adjustment but it feels good to start fresh in a completely new city for the first time in my adult life.
So that's it. I'm doing well, as is my kid, and we're moving on with life which is all you can do these days. I am grateful to the thousands of people who didn't make me feel like a monster because I stood firm on protecting what was my daughter's. She and I are both grateful that we took that stance, especially now that we know that grad school is firmly in the future and the economy around that.
This will obviously be my last update. So cheers! Be well!