Spouse's partner of 8 years comes out as 'strange orientation,' gets revenge by serving instant divorce papers. AITA? MAJOR UPDATE.
When this person is shocked by their spouses's revelation about their orientation, they ask Reddit:
"My spouse came out to me a few months ago. Tomorrow I am handing them divorce papers. They are going to be devastated. AITA?"
My spouse and I have been together for 8 years. Our sex life has had lots of ups and downs. Sometimes it felt like it was fire and was really good, but there were long stretches where I felt like I was starving.
While they never denied me when I initiated, lack of initiation on their part has destroyed my self esteem and has left me so incredibly unfulfilled. I have so missed the feeling of being desired and having my partner seduce me.
It was really hard for my spouse to come out as this strange orientation. I'm not trying to be offensive by calling it strange. I just hadn't dealt with something like this and didn't have a lot of knowledge about it. They were so nervous and scared. I fg hugged them and thanked them for telling me. I fd up and told them everything will be alright.
But it won't be. I cant go the rest of my life with a partner who isn't sexually attracted to me. So i spoke with a lawyer.
Im so worried about my spouse. They are really dependent on me socially, emotionally, and financially. And i know that they love me. They love me more than anyone ever has in my entire life.
I wish love could be enough for me to be happy in a relationship. Tomorrow is really going to suck. It feels like revenge kind of. But that's not really my intention. I just can't be with someone like this. Just to make things clear... an open relationship is NOT an option. I am strictly monogamous.
I am not the type of person who is capable of having multiple partners. An open relationship isnt going to help me meet my needs that are currently missing in my relationship.
What i need is for my spouse to be sexually attracted to me. And for those of you have assumed the gender of myself and my spouse... the majority of you are wrong. Watch your assumptions. AITA?
Before we provide you with OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
jmonhanz writes:
You’re jumping straight to a divorce. No sitting down, no figuring out where to go from here, no giving each other space to process what’s happened. Just straight divorce because YOU can’t get over how YOU feel.
What a terrible, insecure, selfish, narcissistic thing to do. I understand that this revelation hurts you in ways none of us can imagine, but you’re acting as if they wronged you, cheated on you, and left you in the dust to pick up the pieces.
Stop being so self centred and pull yourself together. Yes it’s going to end in divorce, it is what it is, but for Pete’s sake handle it properly and stop jumping the gun all the damn time.
saddayscoffee writes:
“Them not initiating sex has destroyed my self esteem (even though they are still willing to have sex when I initiate).
In retaliation, I lied to them about being okay with who they are and tomorrow I’m going to destroy not just their self esteem, but their trust and possibly their ability to love anyone again. The plan to rip their heart out has been months in the making and I see nothing wrong with it.”
You’re doing so much more damage by blindsiding them with divorce papers instead of having a conversation like an adult.
But you’re right, it’s for the best. I’d hate for them to be stuck with you a second longer than needed considering you seem incapable of empathy. Sucks they wasted 8 years of their life with someone who can’t show them the most basic level of respect.
salaryconscious writes:
YTA. "i'm going to hand them divorce papers tomorrow", can't even have a conversation first and communicate like a fg adult person, what are you twelve?
you sure show you "love" your soon-to-be ex a lot that way, making them feel reassured just to throw the bomb like that. "me me me me but what about ME and my FEELINGS"
is all i get from this post, especially as you're aware of how your espouse is financially dependant from you. what do you want to win from posting this, for people to pat you on the back because "oh poor op that's just about to blindside someone they've dated for almost a decade"? come the f on!
simplesunset writes:
Hi, married asexual here! I gotta say, you kinda fg suck for this. Not only are they dependent on you, but you jumped to divorce that quickly after telling them everything would be okay?
Discussion wasn't an option??? And honestly, sexual attraction is the only thing you care about? Not the fact that they are in love with you with all their heart??? And poured themselves out to you???
You are re-enforcing the fear they probably have that they are unlovable because of their lack of (or little) sexual attraction to people. AND YOU ARE PLANNING TO DO THIS. AFTER. SAYING. EVERYTHING. WAS. OKAY. JUST TO RE-ENFORCE THAT!!!
This hurt to read bc this is exactly how I felt when I first came out to my husband when we were dating, I feel exactly how they probably do.
youtakehighroad writes:
It sounds like you didn't prioritise clear communication and you still aren't. Instead of checking in and asking if they were enjoying sex, you wanted sex and then when you didn't get it you felt terrible about yourself and them, because you felt you were owed it or assumed you could have it whenever you wanted.
Now you are blind siding them to once again avoid openly and honestly addressing your feelings that you had about your needs not being met and your self worth issues that you projected without clarification. Nowhere in this are your partners needs discussed or considered.
Saying they are excessively dependent on you comes across as ownership or co-dependance. They didn't feel safe enough to tell you sooner. And now just like with the sex, you are taking the decision away from them.
Have you even had a discussion about where on the asexual spectrum they fall? Do they enjoy having sex at all? Are they willing to have sex with the right person? Also where there things you liked about them that weren't about sex?
Because it doesn't sound very nice to be in a conditional relationship where your whole perceived worth hangs on saying yes to sex.
shortround1 writes:
NTA. Why does no one care about OPs mental well being? Everyone is saying it’s cruel the way they are choosing to do this. OP has provided a valid explanation: they don’t know if they can make a clean cut if they do try and talk it out.
OP is making the decision that works for them. I don’t think it’s fair that everyone is not listening to OP and just taking the spouse’s side. We don’t know if they previously talked about their issues with sex.
OP states they have a therapist so unless the therapist is a wack job, we can make give OP the benefit of the doubt that this has been discussed and is making a decision that makes sense for them.
xjellox writes:
ESH. OP — do the hard thing and give them the respect they deserve. Yes, this will hurt them either way. But there’s a difference between divorcing someone with dignity, and divorcing someone as if they’re the plague and you cannot wait to escape the hell that is them.
Your partner is asexual, not abusive. It’s part of their identity and they can’t change it. After 8 years of being together, you do have a responsibility to at least show some sort of empathy towards their feelings.
It doesn’t matter if this makes it harder for you to leave. That is a very much you problem that you should sort out before handing these papers to your spouse. That’s the responsible and humane thing to do.
You don’t need to stay in a relationship that you are not sexually compatible in. I’m all for you doing the right thing and ending things before they get dragged out further and become even messier. I don’t believe it makes you a bad person even though your spouse will be heartbroken.
But this is NOT it. This way of divorcing them does make you a bad person, or at least, a person who did an awful thing that they could’ve avoided had they taken some accountability and worked on themselves. Your spouse is a human fucking being that you saw a future with enough to marry them and be with them for 8 years.
Unless you are incapable of love and care, divorcing them this way is cruel and traumatizing. It honestly feels like shaming, punishment, spite. Please listen to the other comments here and reconsider your approach.
Do YOU want to be the kind of human who chooses to cause someone more harm than necessary during a breakup? Because yes, it’s very much a choice to do it this way. I get you are hurting too.
But this situation is unfortunate — it isn’t anyone’s fault. If you choose to break up this way instead of owning up and doing the hard work to figure your shit out before making such a life altering decision, that says a lot about who you are. You’re an adult — you know better. Do better.
And now, OP's major update about the situation:
Yes, their feelings on sex is that they could take it or leave it. When I told them how uncomfortable I was about sex after they came out, they basically said it is ok and we can just not have sex until I am feeling better about it.
I tried working that out in therapy, but instead came to the conclusion that this marriage is no longer right for me. It is just that the thought of living married life with someone who feels that way about me fills me with an incredible amount of dread and despair.
I need my partner to want me sexually to find a relationship fulfilling. I have not been able to bring myself to be sexually active with my partner since they came out and I found out that they had always been indifferent towards sex. Having sex with someone who doesnt desire it doesn't feel like enthusiastic consent and i can't get into it at all now.
This is my second divorce (i did not initiate the first one) i am familiar with the process. Luckily, thanks to my experience with my first divorce, i have a prenup that should protect my premarital assets. My attorney gave me a run down on what it looks like I will owe and I am comfortable with that.
I know that I personally am going to need some space for while to grieve the loss of the relationship and move on before I am capable of being friends in good faith. I dont know how my spouse will feel about being friends, but I will respect whatever they decide in that regards.
My partner confessed that they have NEVER been sexually attracted to me, they went along with sex because it is just what people in relationships do according to them.
We went to a sex therapist in 2021-2022 and i truly did try to meet their needs, or atleast what they at the time said they were. This is my second marriage. I did not initiate divorce the first time. I know what unintwining a life entails unfortunately.
For me there is a big differnece between being with someone who is or was sexually attracted to me who due to unfortunate circumstances could not have sex and being with soemone who never has been sexually attracted to me.
Honestly i had a lot of shit to deal with in therapy in regards to feeling like a fg r@pist because of all the times we had sex my spouse was never enthusiastically consenting. They just went along with it for my sake. It made me feel so gross. We havent actually had sex since they came out, as I couldnt bring myself to initiate with them anymore.
My spouse and I have been working on improving our sex life for years but it has mostly been on the decline. Dr visits, sessions with a sex therapist a few years ago, lots of books and trying different things.
It was the trying to fix the sex which is what started my spouse down their journey of self discovery and lead them to realizing they are asexual.
If they never came out or never came to that realization. I am not sure if i would have made the decision to leave. It probably would depend on just how bad our sex life got.
I am sure if they hadnt come out, we would betogether for atleast another few years. I had a lot of hope that we would have figured out the sex stuff prior to them comming out.
I may have held out on the hope that it would until my own gonads shriveled up and died from old age. Or I have have reached a point of despair in a few more years and concluded it is hopeless and still pursued divorce. I truly dont know how it would have played out.
When them being asexual really sunk in for me, and when I came to realize what that would mean for what we could realistically achieve in regarfs to improving our sex life - that killed all the hope I had of our relationship improving. We both identify as cisgender individuals. I am just not comfortable sharing that on reddit.
What is the compromise that we could reach here though? I feel the relationship is incomplete when my partner is not sexually attracted to me. My spouse is incapable of feeling sexually attracted to anyone.
It isnt about the frequency of sex. It is about the emotion or lack there of behind it. I have even been struggling with feeling sexual towards them these last 6 months because now I know they just dont feel that way about me. And never will.
They came out to me about 6 months ago. They are not sex repulsed, but they feel no sexual attraction to me whatso ever and they never have. That isnt something counseling can fix and it is something I have come to realize is very important to me.
I honestly feel like staying would be more hurtful to them. In the past when I have gone through break ups it was a lot harder to be in the same home as the person who just dumped you.
I was planning to leave that way I would be the one assuming the financial burden of finding another place to stay. It's my house they are living in (owned by me prior to the marriage). I figured I would get a hotel for a week or two while and give them space to process and decide what they want to do.
I am not interested in open relationships. I am ethically oposed to them and it would not actually help me meet my needs in a relationship. I need my partner to be sexually attracted to me in order to feel fulfilled in a relationship. I dont just want to get no strings attached sex with randos. And i am not poly.