'AITA for spraying my husband with a water hose after I caught him texting another woman?' UPDATED

"AITA for spraying my husband with a water hose?"

| (23f)and my husband (29m) got into an argument earlier because I discovered a girl texting his phone. He had deleted the messages between them, so the chat was new (and muted) but it was clear that they'd been texting before. I asked him two days ago if there was anything on his phone that shouldn't be. I asked if there was anyone he was talking to that he knew would be an issue for me.

He said "I mean…..you wouldn't be mad." I told him not to mince words and was there anything going on. He said no. I told him to be honest because we were in a good spot and I wouldn't even be mad, I just had a feeling and I wanted the truth. He still said no.

This morning, I find the girl texting him asking if he worked today because she wanted to see him. He said it was nothing and he only deleted the messages bc they weren't that big a deal.

I was upset so l went to go cool off. When I got back, he still wanted to tell me how it wasn't that deep and that yes, he lied to me, but it was something small and I should believe him about that. If I don't believe him, that's my problem.

I told him that I needed space because I didn't want to lose it. He said "sometimes to find yourself, you have to lose it. Proceeded to go outside with the dog. I was upset and came and sprayed him with the water hose, so he took a FRESH pile of dog poop and hit me with it.

He said I acted sh!tty so he acted accordingly. It became a big blowout, but he says that I was the AH and that my actions had consequences. Now, I know that it was petty, but I had only wet his shirt and it's 85 degrees out here, so I really didn't think it that big a deal.

I told him he was disrespectful and nasty for what he did and he said that what I did was just as bad, if not worse. He says that he served me justice for being an asshole. He also told me to bring it to the internet to see who was in the wrong and everyone will tell me I was wrong. So was I an AH for spraying him with the garden hose?

Also would like to add that I asked him if he really thought hitting me with dog poop was equal to the hose and he said that it was better than smearing my face with it like I deserved

First of all, ewwwwww.

Now, once you've recovered from the thought of someone getting pelted in the face with dog poo, what do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Gonebabythoughts said:

Gather whatever shreds of your tattered self-respect remain and put this relationship out of it's misery. Jesus.

bloodybutunbowed said:

He hit you with dog sh!t. Why are you even still with this person?

CenPhx said:

He’s most likely cheating on you. Spraying water on him isn’t going to fix or change it or make you trust him. Rather than wasting the next 5-10 years in a dysfunctional relationship with a man who cheats on you, lies to your face, and throws sh!t on you when you catch him and are pissed about it, just walk away.

Take a break, enjoy being single, grow up a little, and then find someone who you can have a healthy relationship with.

Edit: anyone who threatens to smear sh!t in your face is an @$$hole. Spraying someone with water is a jerk move, but what he threatened is downright abusive. That’s a hard red line for me.

Secret_Research_8988 said:

Deleting texts = guilty. Hose water does not compare to dog poop. This screams emotionally immature little boy to me.

NmlsFool said:

"he only deleted the messages bc they weren't that big a deal."

...No. If the messages aren't that big of a deal, you wouldn't mind your spouse seeing them. they'd exist because it's nothing. You hide and delete messages if you know what you're doing is wrong.

biteme717 said:

By lying to you and deleting messages and muting the conversation, IMO, means that if they aren't cheating, then they are having inappropriate conversations that are crossing boundaries, and he knows this. Water is one thing. Throwing dog poop on you is unacceptable.

HE'S the liar and HE'S the one deleting messages, and HE'S the one muting conversations, and HE'S the one being deceitful. He's the one spewing crap out of his mouth to try to save his ass and he's the one throwing dog poop on the woman he says he loves. I know what I think, and I know what I would do. I personally think your husband is cheating on you.

She later shared this edit to her original post:

I totally understand it was wrong to spray him. I’ve been working on how I handle situations, and had gotten really good at being able to calm myself to think rationally. Lately, fights turned to normal conversations because I cooled off first, and in turn, let him cool off from whatever the issue is.

This is not an excuse, but the fact that he encouraged me to lose my cool when I begged him to just let me be was triggering for me and I reacted poorly. I honestly just never would have guessed flinging poop would’ve been his response.

And then she shared this update:

I left. So many things happened, including him getting fired from his job. The mental strain of our living situation and our relationship in general was taxing to say the least. Physical fights became constant, and I got tired. (I had a hospital visit from a fight, not immediate, but I had some swelling that wouldn’t go down.)

I couldn’t trust him, and he didn’t trust me, although he said I didn’t do anything to lose his trust, he just doesn’t trust anyone. We had a few talks because I genuinely couldn’t grasp some of his ideologies and feelings, but wanted to support him becoming better as a person, even if we were going to separate.

I genuinely don’t have it in my heart to hate him, but had to realize that my love for him was diminishing my self worth, so I decided to love him from a distance. I got him out of the house and packed up and moved a few hours away before he knew I was gone. He doesn’t know where I am, but we will meet at some point in a few months to move forward with a divorce. Thank you guys for all your concern.

To answer the question of why I stayed for as long as I did? I was hours away from any family, and the only car we had was his. I was barely working because the town we were in was really small and all about “who you know”, so things were tough there.

I was depressed for a while because we were living with his family, and didn’t have the mental fortitude to leave, so I convinced myself things were ok until I couldn’t anymore.

I’d like to note that sometimes when bad things are happening, it can feel so surreal that it’s easy to believe it didn’t really happen, just to be able to cope. Then, when things are good, everything seems ok. It’s a hard cycle to break. It’s hard here as well, but I’m safe where I am.

Phew!