'AITA for spying on my wife when I thought she was cheating only to find out something else?'
"AITA for spying on my wife when I thought she was cheating only to find out something else?"
So I thought my wife was cheating. Nothing specific but I just had a hunch something was going on. Did a little snooping but didn't find much. But I did see some transactions into another account.
I don't do the bills so I wouldn't normally see it. My wife works about 24 hours a week and I work 40 but often do 48. Also, my neighbor asked why my brother in law was over the house as he saw a car in the driveway (no as weird as it sounds).
No hard evidence but I decided to get some of there was some time find. So I went online and bought three hidden cameras. Two were plugs and one was a phone charger block. I figured I might catch someone coming that shouldn't be there.
Well I did find someone. My wife, who has two school age kids that are gone from 8am until 4pm 5 days a week and in summer camp all summer, was hiring a housekeeper to clean and do laundry.
The payments were to this woman for $300 a week. We had discussed a housekeeper years ago when the kids were younger and she was home with the kids in 2020, but we didn't want to spend the money.
So I confronted her with the evidence 2 weeks ago. She flipped out on me for putting cameras in the house but I feel justified as I was suspicious and was ultimately right that there was something up.
She had hired this woman in 2022 and had paid a total of $36,600. Money that could have gone to retirement, a vacation, pay off or avoid credit cards, mortgage, or savings.
We aren't "housekeeper" level income. And after she bought a brand new $50,000 SUV I wanted to buy a nice vehicle too since I commuted much more. But she said we couldn't afford it. So I bought a 2 year old smaller car. She is still mad eat me for spying but I feel justified in being suspicious and pissed off for her lying and using money we didn't have to hire someone we didn't need.
Again, she works much less than I do, is home all day alone and we split the chores 50/50 when I am home and even give her days off when I have a day off. I'm not budging on this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Fearless_Spring5611
ESH.. I get why you felt the need to investigate, but unfortunately in doing so you are running rough-shod over everyone else's privacy. And the fact that you "give her days off" makes it sound like you consider her an employee as much as a wife.
I can see why someone would argue the ends justifying the means because you did find wrong-doing - but even then, you have to admit that you did impede on liberties in the process.
Haunting-Juice983
Here’s me doing our finances and wondering how you could could miss $36k a year on a housekeeper and a $50k car, not being involved. I’m not sure what income you’re pulling together. My partner and I earn over $200k combined, I run the finances mostly but this must be a piss take 😂. We can’t afford a $36k household keeper.
ironchef8000
ESH. Both of it apparently suck at communication and instead hide things or are suspicious. You’re an AH for secret cameras in your own house. She’s an AH because that’s a ton of money to spend when it’s apparently straining your budget pretty hard.
throwaway9164759dbrj OP:
We usually have great communication. At least I do. But I started getting suspicious. Asked her what she did that day only to find it wasn't done. She told me she vacuumed and the vacuum hadn't moved from where I left it.
Just things like that. The final straw was hearing my brother in law was at my home when I knew he was working out of town that week. Turns out the housekeeper and my BIl had similar cars.
jrm1102
YTA. "I'm not budging on this?" That spying on your partner is wrong? That you two seemingly don't communicate? Normally I'd say she’s an AH for spending $36k behind your back but $300 a week does not equal $36k. Im now doubting your take on this.
YTA. Your wife still works, so I’m assuming she’s paying with her money? Having a housekeeper only lightens the household care load, it doesn’t eliminate it. As long as it’s not actively detracting from your lifestyle (no, missing out on hypothetical vacations doesn’t count) then I see no true reason to be angry. If I were her, I’d be sick to my stomach over your invasive hidden cameras.
Totally get needing to investigate, but you could have just talked to her about the money that has been displaced. She might’ve told you. She works “professionally” part time, but also does most of the kid stuff and house stuff (I’m assuming). The way you resent any free time she has along with hiring a housekeeper is actually troubling. If she’s paying for it, then I really see nothing wrong with it, only you.
In our relationship, we have never had her money or my money. We always pulled it together into one bank account. And if you want to get specific, I work twice as much as she does and makes three times as much as she does. So without me, she wouldn't have any money at all after she was done paying her half of the mortgage and her half of the electricity and her half of the food.
She also gets to sleep in 2 1/2 hours more than me even on days she has the kids to get on the bus.she works in office job. I work in healthcare and I bust my ass all the time. She does not take care of the kids more than I do. The entire time during the day the kids are in school five days a week. In the summertime, the kids are in summer camp almost all week long.
About two weeks of the summer they are with my mother. When I get home, I don't put my feet up and do nothing. I get to work on dinner and dishes and bedtime routine and any maintenance or other things that need to be done. I have one day a week off and most of the time it's done remodeling something, repairing something, or working on the yard Mowing or trimming something.
I would love to have two days a week off where I don't have to do anything and I can put my feet up and read a book or watch TV but I never get that. I never ever ever get that. I guarantee that she would not switch for my heartbeat.
Listen_2learn
You should have confronted her about the money going out- before setting up cameras. ESH -your wife for lying and using household money for something you agreed not to pay for. You for not being direct asap and thinking you “deserve” a better car. You are made for each other.
Queasy_Sky_5649
NTA. I’m a female, sole provider of our family income. My main focus is finance and savings. Id lose my marbles if I found out we spent that much. Probably drive me to a Great Depression tbh. Working to find out I was appreciating a woman who wasn’t actually working. Rough.
AzureDreamer
Yes!!! Putting hidden cameras without informing your spouse is incredibly messed up probably illegal and morally reprehensible to the extreme. I would leave a partner no questions asked for doing that. Now was her using 30k of shared income without discussing it terrible yes. You both sound like dumpster fires of people.
For the last two weeks, I have absolutely refused to lift a finger doing anything. I will cook whatever I want and leave the mess for her to clean up. I will touch the laundry, I haven't mowed the lawn, and every time I go to work I take her car.the division of labor is entirely one-sided.