'AITA for standing up against my SIL’s husband, causing their relationship to crumble?' UPDATED

"AITA for standing up for myself against my sister in law’s husband, causing their marriage to crumble?"

I can’t sleep because I’m so distraught over this whole situation. My husband and I are currently fighting with my sister in law and her husband. (I am 25f, My husband is 27m, sil is 39f, bil is 42m).

This all started about 3 months ago. Context: My sil and her husband leased out a property for an auto shop. Connected to the shop was a house that they weren’t going to use. Sil offered to rent it to us because it was closer to the town where I went to school, and my hubby worked.

I was against this idea initially because I don’t like the idea of mixing family and finances. I eventually agreed after my husband assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue. We moved in shortly after our wedding a year and a half ago.

Fast forward to 3 months ago. A mysterious wet spot showed up on our living room floor. I texted my sil’s husband to tell him about it, and sent him a picture. He told me he would reach out to the landlord about it. A few more weeks went by and I sent several more texts and pictures of the growing wet spot on the floor. I couldn’t see any leaks from the ceiling, dishwasher, fridge etc.

One day I was out getting groceries (hubby was at work) and I got a desperate and angry sounding text from my sils husband. He was talking about how the leak was way worse than he thought and he reprimanded me for not explaining the severity enough I guess. He then sent an ominous threat saying ‘things are going to be changing around here’. I get home and our kitchen is torn apart.

He threw everything under the sink all over the floor, and left the cabinet doors open. I. WAS. LIIIIIVID. I took a picture of the chaos and sent it to him saying ‘don’t worry we will be moving out. Thanks for this by the way’. I was trying to calm myself down when he walked into the house and said ‘you really want to mess with me right now?’

I was already crying and shaking and he started yelling about how the leak could be thousands of dollars worth of damage. Then he started talking about everything wrong in his life, and he admitted that they weren’t going to renew the lease so we were going to have to move out anyway, and he didn’t want to have to tell me this way yadda yadda yadda.

At the end he calmed down and apologized for being so intense and snapping at me. I forgave him thinking this was an out of character break down from a stressed out dude. My husband was also upset about the situation but chose not to press the subject anymore and just find a new place to live. I thought it was over after that but I was very wrong.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. We found a place and decided to move everything ourselves with our friends. We didn’t want to ask our in laws to help because the situation still felt tense. SIL's husband had been acting a bit distant but still cordial. There were a few pieces of furniture we wanted to sell, and SIL had said we could leave it there while we sold it.

I double checked with sils husband that it was ok we did that. He shrugged and said he couldn’t see why it would be a problem. (Spoiler of course it was an effing problem).

We sold one item, and hubby asked sil if the person could just go grab it, and she could Venmo us so we didn’t have to go all the way back out to the old place. She said that was fine. (The house was empty besides stuff we didn’t want anymore, and there was no access between the house and shop except a locked door at the way back of the house.

In hindsight I know this is still risky but I’m from the Midwest and far to trusting). A few days later someone wanted another piece of furniture. I asked sils husband if he could unlock the door so the person could look at the furniture. He asked if I was going to let someone in without physically being there. I responded saying that was my plan but if he preferred, I could definitely go out there.

He responded with an angry text saying ‘I don’t like being forced and volunteered to do things while I’m working’ and ‘I don’t need people lurking around my business that I don’t know’. My stomach dropped but I just responded ‘ok I’m sorry I will go out there to meet him.’

When I got out there I tried to open the door I usually go in, but there was a piece of wood blocking it closed. I went to the side door and used the code but it wouldn’t open either. I texted sils husband to ask if he had changed the door code. He never responded. I tried the shop door and the code also didn’t work. I knocked, but no answer. The buyer was there waiting while all of this was happening.

I called my hubby to ask him to come down and try to figure it out. He tried the code on the back of the shop and a door finally opened. I went to the door that connected the 2 buildings to get into my old house while my husband went to meet me at the front door.

Then my SIL's husband appeared. He had been in the shop the whole time. He started yelling at me that I should’ve communicated with him. I responded that I had texted, and he yelled that he was working and busy. He tried to keep yelling but I just got into the house to let my husband in. We just gave the buyer the desk since he had to wait so long.

This time my husband defended me to his sister and said he wouldn’t tolerate her husband yelling at me anymore. A fight ensued and I started a group chat for the 4 of us asking if we could all sit down and talk about this, because things were getting out of hand. SIL suggested we wait a few days for things to settle.

Yesterday we went with my husbands parents to pack up the few pieces of furniture that were left. They said they would keep it until we sold it. When we got there the rest of our stuff had been put outside. I chose to take the high road and not say anything about that. I texted Sil to see what our nieces wanted for their birthday.

She seemed fine and told me what the girls liked and wanted. I bought the presents, and wrapped them. I asked my husband when I got home from work today when we should drop off presents. He told me that he had called his mom earlier, and she was at the girls birthday party. Sil hadn’t invited us or her other brother and nephews for any of it.

I know my husband is hurting inside. He has been to every single one of their birthdays. He’s trying to put on a brave face, but if I’m distraught over not seeing our nieces, then I can’t even imagine how he is feeling. What do I do? I know standing up for myself was the right thing to do but I can’t help but feel like I contributed to my husband and SIL's relationship crumbling. Please help.

She then shared these edits to "clear up a few things":

1.) Landlord was not upset about the leak incident. He sent a guy out after bil explained the severity of the issues (turns out dishwasher was leaking under the subflooring in the kitchen and creating the wet spot on the carpet.) He apologized for not taking it seriously at the time and offered to get the carpets cleaned for us, but I had wanted a shampooer for a while and just cleaned it myself.

2: Yes I was wrong for assuming it would be fine if I wasn’t there for the furniture thing. I’m definitely not claiming that was a smart move. It was a very dumb lazy move in fact, which is why I was willing to eat the angry text. I immediately apologized and got in my car to meet the buyer instead.

I also apologized to the buyer for not coordinating well when I couldn’t get in to the house. I told him I understood if he wanted to leave but he was very cool about it all and stuck around. I gave him the dresser for free for his trouble.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

BandicootFlaky2465 said:

I don’t know if I have any great advice for what you should do but what you shouldn’t do is contact your SIL’s husband ever again or allow yourself to be alone with him. He seems dangerous and unhinged and I cannot imagine how he’s treating your SIL and nieces behind closed doors, if this is how he’s conducting himself with you.

This is NOT your fault and they’re handling the bad situation poorly and your SIL is allowing her husband to call the shots and affect the relationship with her brother and you. I’m sorry your husband is devastated but I’m sure he’s not blaming you (unless he’s irrational too) and the only blameworthy party here is your SIL’s husband and anyone enabling his erratic behaviors.

Hope time and distance ultimately help things improve and hope your SIL safely gets out of the relationship with this angry, unpredictable person.

OP responded:

Yep. I told my husband I never want to be around him alone again. What is tripping me up is that bil and I have had really good conversations. He’s always seemed like a genuinely good guy before this. They got married around the same time my husband and I did. 2 of the girls are not his. The youngest one just turned 2. The girls love him and I’ve seen him be a wonderful dad to them.

They are under a lot of stress, and I wonder if I’m just the easy target. He has complained to me before that Sil makes decisions without talking to him. We’ve had talks about joining into the family and the weird quirks they have.

I can imagine he can’t take it out on his wife, or his wife’s brother or the girls, or his in laws so maybe he’s taking it out on me. My husband isn’t mad at me at all. He is furious with his sister, and super mad at bil. He’s also upset with his parents because they are staying neutral on the matter (which I get).

WildCaliPoppy said:

There’s obviously a lot I don’t know, but from this it seems like BIL is the real AH here. SIL seems like she’s trying to keep the peace. I think my plan would be to give them lots of space - definitely don’t ask or depend on them for anything. And keep reaching out to SIL in neutral ways. If she’s struggling with BIL (which would make sense), she might need to know that she has support if she needs it.

OP responded:

I had that thought too. That’s why I’m so frustrated. She is defending him which I get. She made a comment about how ‘I think we can all relate to snapping’. She also told my husband he didn’t have all of the context. I had my husband read over all of our messages to see if I had come across rude or demanding at all but he didn’t think so.

That’s why I want all 4 of us to talk so there can’t be anything lost in translation or ‘he says she says’ going on. Conveniently this keeps happening when I’m alone with him. I told my husband I don’t ever want to be alone with BIL going forward. I have my suspicions that he wouldn’t talk to me that way if anyone else was around. And he sure as sh!t wouldn’t talk to my husband that way.

No-Animal4921 said:

My question is why are you the one constantly communicating with him and not your husband, man to man?

OP responded:

I’m not scared of BIL. I’ve had plenty of grown ass men scream at me before. The first time he yelled at me I yelled right back, and by the end we both apologized and realized neither of us were in the wrong for the leak thing. We also agreed we didn’t want to cause a rift between the siblings.

He also apologized to me and my husband a few times after as well. I definitely still had my guard up though. We had already each sold a few pieces of furniture without incident so it caught us both off guard that he chose that moment to be a dick again.

My husband and I handle conflict differently. When he’s done with someone he just cuts all communication. It seems like sister in law is pretty similar. I think growing up issues weren’t talked about openly. Everyone would just be distant until things passed.

As for me if there is an elephant in the room I am the first one to call it out. I’m not aggressive with it but I have no problem being the one to start the conversation. I don’t like leaving things unresolved. I don’t play in to the dynamics of who should talk to who in the family. If I have a problem with someone I try to speak to them directly.

She has since shared this update on the situation:

My husband talked to his mom today. He asked how the party was and she said it was extremely awkward. Apparently brother in law barely interacted with them the whole time.

At some point they must’ve started talking about this situation and mother in law caught him in a lie. He was claiming we didn’t tell them we were moving out and other blatant lies, but my favorite was ‘they never told us that the leak from the dishwasher affected the hardwood’.

Mother in law shot back ‘yes they did, because I ALSO told you about the hardwood’. I have all the text messages and could refute all of those claims. Father in law was apparently helping Sil’s husband with a car while they were there and he didn’t say a single word to him the entire time.

Sil was an active part of the conversation bashing us. I understand a lot of you are worried about her, but they both enable each other. I get more of a ‘it’s us against the world’ vibe from them more than anything.

Also I’m gonna pop off a little bit. They are both extremely impulsive and they create the stress that they are under. They have had multiple animals that they have had for a while and then given up (2 high energy breeds that they were mad at for being high energy).

They started this business on a whim and Sil’s Husband quit his other job immediately. They apparently can’t keep this business afloat, but they just put their house up for sale and bought a much larger one. They also talked about leasing another property to put the shop on. Oh and they talked about having another baby!

THEY ARE CREATING THE STRESS THAT THEY ARE USING TO JUSTIFY THEIR SH!TTY BEHAVIOR. They will just enable each other until they are completely delusional. Also hubby said this is pretty normal behavior from his sister.

Hubby and I agreed that we will be going LC at this point. I’m truly not interested in fixing this anymore. They are just doubling down on everything and clearly don’t want to be adults about this. My in laws are no longer staying neutral after yesterday. They are PISSED at Sil and her husband. I will update further if anything else happens.