'AITA for not standing up when my girlfriend’s mom walked in?' 'I made a MISTAKE.' MINI UPDATE
"AITA for not standing up when my girlfriend’s mom walked in?"
I was having dinner with my girlfriend’s family for the first time. When her mom walked into the room, a few people stood up. I didn’t not out of disrespect, but simply because I didn’t realize it was something expected. I greeted her mom politely, smiled, and was respectful the entire evening.
Later, my girlfriend told me her mom felt offended that I didn’t stand. I genuinely didn’t know it was a thing in her household, and I wasn’t trying to be rude.
I thought my behavior was appropriate, and nothing in the moment made it seem like I had made a mistake. Now she’s upset with me, and I’m wondering — AITA for not doing something I wasn’t aware I was supposed to do?
Here's what people had to say about this one:
amymae said:
NAH. You're not an ahole; you're just a bit daft. Your girlfriend is not the ahole for feeling awkward about your inability to read the room though. From your own description, it should have been obvious what was expected in that moment.
MadTownMich said:
Soft YTA. It is expected to stand and greet someone, especially an older person, and especially for the first time. When you saw everyone else stand, that’s your cue. FYI, this is also true in a business setting.
You stand up to shake hands or greet someone. Apologize to her, tell her you meant no disrespect but were just not familiar with that tradition. Hand her some flowers as you apologize and you’re all good.
rockology_adam said:
YTA. How you stayed seated when everyone else in the room stood up is the big question here, OP. It's one thing to say you didn't know, but it's entirely another to choose to stay seated when everyone else stands.
This is very much a when-in-Rome moment. You would have been forgiven, with your valid excuses, if you had stood up late, even fumbling and confused. Your choice, and it was a choice, was to stay seated, and the mother is not wrong that under the circumstances, this is disrespectful.
It's also incorrect to say that you were not making a statement. It takes conscious choice to not stand up when everyone else stands up, OP. You may not have known it was coming, but you saw it happening, and you made your choice.
lihzee said:
YTA. I'm honestly surprised that you didn't just stand up because this was your first time meeting her, like to shake her hand or something. It's not the biggest deal or anything, but yeah, when everyone else stood, didn't you feel a bit weird being the only one still seated?
HunterGreenLeaves said:
NTA for not knowing, but read the room. If you don't object to the practice, just change it going forward and it'll be fine.
HolleringCorgis said:
NTA. If this is something your gf expected you to do she should have mentioned it beforehand. Everyone standing when a woman enters the room is no longer common courtesy. It is ridiculous to expect you to do so without being informed beforehand that this is something her family expects. If there are any other old traditions or rules they follow your girlfriend should inform you NOW.
Later, OP updated the post to include:
Look, I totally get that it’s important in her family, but where I’m from, Scandinavian culture doesn’t involve standing when someone enters the room, especially during meals. We greet people verbally and continue what we’re doing that’s how we show respect.
I was already seated when her mom walked in, and I greeted her warmly with a smile and a respectful "hello." I didn’t jump out of my seat — not because I was being rude, but because we were at a dining table, and I was literally mid-meal.
No one else had mentioned any expectations beforehand, and it honestly felt like I was being judged over something super specific that I had no way of knowing. If standing was such a big deal, it could’ve been brought up with kindness instead of held against me like a secret test.
It’s strange to assume disrespect where there was clearly none. I acted respectfully, I was polite, and I treated her with decency. That should count more than performative gestures...