I 34F have recently ran into a situation with my husband 37M and am curious about if I am the AH here or not. So me and my husband have been tother for 8 years, married for 7. When I got married my mother came to me privately and talked about setting aside money as a rainy day/ escape fund if worst came to worst. My husband has never showed any signs of being dangerous and rarely even gets upset, but the way my mother talked about it, it seemed like a no brainer to have.
When me and my husband got together we agreed I would be a stay at home wife, we are both child free so that was never a concern. My husband made a comfortable mid 6 figures salary, all was good until about 2 years ago he was injured at work in a near fatal accident, between hospital bills and a lawsuit that we lost that ate up nearly all of our savings.
I took a part time job while my husband was recovering, but when he fully recovered we transitioned back into me being unemployed as my husband insisted that it was his role to provide. He currently is working 2 full time jobs and Ubers on his off days to keep us afloat.
Here is where I might be the AH I do all of the expense managing and have continued to put money into my "escape account" although I significantly decreased from $750 a month to just $200 a month. My husband came home exhausted one night and asked about down sizing because the stress of work was going to kill him.
I told him downsizing would not be an option as I had spend years making our house a home, and offered to go back to work. He tried to be nice, but basically told me that me going back to work wouldn't make enough. After an argument, my husband went through our finances to see where we could cut back.
He was confused when he saw that I had regular reoccurring withdrawals leading back years, and asked me about it. I broke down and revealed my money to him, which now sits at about $47,000. After I told him all this he just broke down sobbing.
His POV is I treated him like a predator and hid money from him for years even when he was at his lowest. I told him, that the money was a precaution I would have taken with any partner and not specific to him. He left the house to stay with his brother and said I hurt him on every possible level. But my mom says this is exactly what the money is for and should bail now. AITA?
Holeeeeeeeee sh%t. “No we’re not downsizing." Lady, what kind of monster are you?
This is absolutely astonishing to me. Two jobs plus Uber on his days off. And you're stashing money to this day. You refuse to consider living within the means of him working only 40 hours a week. I'm unable to call you an asshole, because you're so, so much worse than that. If that lawsuit is your fault as well...there are no words in English that can rise to describe you.
I read this twice and I’m sorry but YTA. Big time. Your husband is stressed and over worked, wants to downsize but you continue to add to your secret stash of $47k? I understand wanting to have a stash, but almost $50k for a “rainy day” fund is ridiculous especially since he’s proven, in your 8 years together, that he is a good man. If you don’t want to leave the house - figure out how the $47k can help you stay and allow your husband to at least quit the Uber gig.
You are a horrible person and a total ahole for hiding this money and allowing your husband to suffer so much. YTA.
YTA. Your loving husband is working 3 jobs and you let him while having 47k OF HIS HARD EARNED MONEY in your savings ? And I hope this money is invested and you make money on it or else you’re not very smart too…
YTA. My heart breaks for that poor man. This one will play out textbook: You listen to your mum and allow her to manipulate your relationships like you always have, you steal HIS savings (not your ‘escape fund’) and run away, calling the man who has never given you a reason to worry an abuser, when YOU are the abuser. Sounds like you’ve got him absolutely whipped, so you could probably get away with it too. He’d probably be too timid to try get his hard earned money back.